


i don't know why (i can't keep my eyes off of you)

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Drinking, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Uni AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:41:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 73,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22531900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: Starting a new university is hard enough without Phil having to convince his best friend PJ he doesn't have a crush on their other flatmate, Dan. He definitely does not have a crush on Dan.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 706
Kudos: 425





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally,, the uni au! i've been working on this on and off for like 6 months idk but i'm really excited to start posting it!!  
> this is my first attempt in a very very long time of writing a multi-chapter fic so uh yikes i guess  
> big shoutout to @plinth-of-life and @just-a-smol-squish on tumblr for letting me scream at them about this for so long ily  
> anyways enjoy! 
> 
> title from you and me by lifehouse

Phil knows that, in terms of straws, he definitely didn't pull the short one. It was pure coincidence that he ended up accepting an offer to the same university as his best friend, and he thinks that there must have been some serious string-pulling from somewhere in the universe that landed him in the same flat as PJ. He wishes that information could make this journey a bit less scary, though. It definitely doesn't help that his nerves are mixing with the travel sickness that's begun to settle in his stomach, the way it always does when he's in a car for more than about twenty minutes. He really wishes he was one of those people who could watch the world go past out the window, or read a book and distract themselves. Long journeys could be so much easier. 

PJ's already unloading boxes when Phil arrives at the accommodation block. No one else is there yet, and Phil is secretly glad that this space gets to be just theirs for a little while before two new strangers move in with them. His parents help him move some boxes into his room before they leave to do a big grocery shop. He has a lot of unpacking to do if he wants to make this little cell-block room look like someone lives here. He props his door open with a box he thinks is kitchenware while he begins to unpack, in the hopes that the other people in his flat will come in and introduce themselves when they get here, so he doesn't have to.

There are two other people moving in with them: James and Daniel, on the other side of the hall. It’s daunting, the idea of having to share this space with strangers, especially when he’s so used to only having to share things with Martyn and his parents. He clings to the knowledge that PJ is here with him, and lets that settle his nerves a little. 

He takes his first proper look around the room. It’s a new start, finally. It wasn’t like he’d hated school, but he could never fully be himself. Now, he has the opportunity to start afresh, to meet new people and approach things differently. This is _his_ time now. He takes a deep breath, and opens his first box.

He's moved his tiny lion plushie about 10 times when he hears a knock on his open door.

"How goes it, Philly?" PJ asks as he walks in.

"I don't know if it goes at all, Peej," Phil replies, sighing.

"How is half your stuff still in boxes? It's been like an hour." PJ pulls out a little Wall-e model and holds it up, frowning. "Why did you even bring this?"

"It feels homely," Phil replies grumpily, snatching it out of PJ's hand and placing it gently at the corner of his desk. "I can't figure out where Lion looks best."

"Phil, you know Lion will look perfect wherever you put him," PJ says sympathetically as he places a hand gently across Phil’s shoulder. "It's okay to be homesick."

“My parents haven’t even really left yet.”

“So?” PJ gives his chest a little poke. “You’re not at _home_ , are you? You’re a gentle soul, Phil, it’s not really surprising that things feel different for you already.”

“Do they feel different for you?” Phil asks quietly. The gentle sigh and look away tells Phil that he’s on his own.

“You’re a lot softer than I am, Phil,” PJ replies gently. “Everything at home was really home for you.”

“I feel like I already miss my mum,” he sighs.

“Yeah well, you’ve always been a mumma’s boy,” PJ grins a little, “it’s in your nature.”

“Wow, great impression for the new flatmates,” Phil deadpans. “Here’s Phil, the sad boy who misses his mummy. She’s not left yet, by the way, she’s gone to do his grocery shopping for him.” He frowns up at PJ, who’s giving him a pointed look. “That’ll definitely attract the hot guys.” 

“That’s the spirit.”

A knock on the door startles them both and they turn to see a tall, undeniably hot guy standing in the hallway.

“Haha, what were you saying Phil?” PJ says loudly, grinning and giving Phil a quick clap on the back before turning his attention to the new guy. “Hi, I’m PJ.”

“Dan,” the new guy holds his hand out awkwardly for PJ to shake. He looks over at Phil, who’s trying his best to remember how to speak.

“Hi, I’m. Uh, Phil.”

“Hi, uh Phil,” Dan says jokingly. His expression falters for a second like he’s going to cringe at his own joke, but he appears to hold it together.

“Phil’s shy,” PJ says, shooting Phil a quick smirk.

“You guys know each other?” Dan asks as he offers his hand to Phil, who has managed to gather himself enough to be functional.

“Yeah, we went to school together,” PJ says before Phil has a chance to open his mouth.

“PJ’s actually been my best friend for years,” Phil pipes in. “We were pretty lucky we both ended up here.”

“I bet,” Dan smiles softly. In fact, everything about him seems pretty soft. He's wearing an oversized jumper and his hands are sweater-pawed in the sleeves. His eyes seem kind, and even though he knows nothing about him, Phil thinks he seems like a gentle giant. Which gives his heart a very little flutter, before he can stop it. Dan takes the time to look around the empty room, eyes wide with a smile, and he stops when he sees the Wall-e on Phil’s desk. “Oh, hey!”

It’s not long before PJ makes his excuses and scurries back to his own room. Phil wants to roll his eyes. His nerves don't account for anything. He thinks Dan is cute, sure, but that doesn’t mean anything. Phil thinks most boys are cute. Sometimes he thinks that maybe PJ takes pity on him for never having held down a relationship for more than a week, and tries to see things that aren’t really there. He doesn’t even know Dan. He might be horrible. Well, maybe that’s pushing it. But he doesn’t want to judge the book by its very cute cover.

It’s sooner than Phil expected when his parents arrive back at his flat with bags of food to last him the first couple of weeks. He’d told them he wanted anything and everything, but as he looks at the overflowing shopping bags, he thinks maybe they took that too literally.

“Most of this is non-perishable,” his mum’s telling him as she’s putting milk and eggs on the fridge shelf he's apparently claimed as his own, “So you don’t need to worry about eating it all up in one go.” She stops and gives him a very pointed look. “That’s a hint.”

Phil chuckles lightly, and tries not to think about how he’s going to miss this gentle banter he has with his mum. He tries to think about how he’s never more than an hour’s bus journey away from his hometown instead.

“Oh, and I bought you lot a nice couple of bottles of things to share, and some fancy biscuits. Best get you on the good side of these new flatmates.”

PJ walks in then, followed by Dan and another guy Phil assumes must be James. They all have mugs, and PJ has an extra one in his other hand.

“I’m making tea if you want any, Phil,” he waves a mug in Phil’s general direction. “I can break out some more mugs for you and Nigel if you want, Kath.”

“Oh, no thanks, dear, we’ll be going soon,” Kath smiles warmly. Phil looks away and tries not to think about how significantly less he’s going to be seeing that smile. “Gotta try and get out of this blasted city before the rush hour traffic starts. I’m sure Phil doesn’t want his old mum and dad hanging around too long, anyway.” She puts a hand on his arm, and Phil so desperately wants to ask her to stay.

“You’re not old,” is what he says instead.

They each take turns in making tea refills, and somewhere along the course of the night, tea turns into cheap wine. The four of them find themselves sat cross-legged in a circle in Dan’s room. Phil learns very early on that this new person is Jimmy (“I know the name on my door says James but please, for the love of _God_ , don’t call me that”). There’s a fancy box of Foxes biscuits and a bag of Haribo in the middle of all of them. For the most part they’re trying to get to know each other, but every now and then it descends into silence as they all sip wine and scroll through their respective social medias. They’re all learning a little about each other, like how Jimmy is studying history and Dan is studying law. Jimmy is a couple of years older than the rest of them, and he’s wearing a shirt for a band Phil’s never heard of. From pointing out the art on his shirt, the conversation moves on to music. That’s when Dan mentions in passing that his favourite band is Muse, and Phil’s face lights up.

“Me too!” they’re grinning at each other while PJ turns to Jimmy with a roll of his eyes.

“Brace yourself,” he says quietly. “We’ll be here a while.”

Jimmy and PJ sit and talk about nothing in particular while Dan and Phil excitedly tell each other about their favourite songs and thoughts on the new album. Somewhere along the line the conversation drifts into childhood shows and PJ perks up when he hears Dan mention Pokemon.

“Right lads,” Jimmy says, heaving himself up and giving PJ a pat on the head, “I’m going to bed.”

Phil checks his phone, before giving Dan a shrug. “Yeah, it’s pretty late, we should probably get some sleep.”

As if on cue, Dan lets out a huge yawn. It’s cute. Cute in the same way as every other guy Phil’s ever seen is cute.

“That’s probably for the best,” Dan grins. “I had fun tonight though, you guys are pretty cool.”

Phil smiles softly at that. He hadn’t realised until now how drained of energy he is. He manages a gruff “yeah, you too” and a “g’night” before he’s shuffling back to his room to try and get some sleep in a bed he knows isn’t going to feel like his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me @panlesters on tumblr


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back! a day early! i'm too impatient for this waiting a week business.  
> i've been back through and made some little additions to the first chapter so that the later chapters flow a little better, so if you're interested go back and have another read!  
> enjoy!

Phil’s lies awake for an hour before he decides sleep isn’t going to happen. The mattress isn’t comfy enough, the duvet is too flat. His mum told him to bring a couple of pillows from home, but through a desperation to repress his neediness, he had refused. He’s really regretting that now. He wants something that smells like home, or maybe just something that feels a bit familiar. In a last-ditch effort, he stands up and grabs one of his hoodies out of the wardrobe to pillow under his head, but it’s still not enough.

He's struggling to lie awake in this bed as well; there’s too much energy in his body. He’s too restless, and he has to do something. In the end, he decides, screw it. He’s a student now, and if he wants to get up and make a hot chocolate at 2 a.m., who’s going to stop him? He pulls himself out of bed, tugs that same hoodie over his head, and shuffles his way to the kitchen.

He’s surprised to find Jimmy sat in there, on his own, staring out the window at the night sky.

“Alright?” Phil murmurs as he enters the kitchen. Jimmy turns and offers him a smile that doesn’t do anything to hide the sadness in his eyes.

“Can’t sleep either?”

“Nope,” Phil sighs. “Figured I deserve a hot chocolate, if you want one?”

Jimmy accepts the offer and they drop into a comfortable silence as the kettle boils and Phil busies himself with mixing the powder with a little bit of milk.

When it’s ready, he passes a mug to Jimmy and pulls himself on to the breakfast bar stool next to him, staring out the window just as Jimmy was. There’s not much to look at. The sky is cloudy and even if it wasn’t, the light pollution from the city would make it impossible to see any more than just the brightest stars. It makes Phil miss his quiet town even more. He never realised how much these little things would affect him, like not being able to see the constellations in the sky that he might have seen an hour down the road in Rawtenstall.

He’s not really sure how to express this weird feeling of displacement, but he knows if he doesn’t say something soon, he’s going to explode.

“Feels weird not being in your own bed, doesn’t it?” he asks quietly.

Jimmy hums in response.

“S’weird being the only one in a bed,” he says quietly. Phil turns to look at him. “This is the first night in about a year I haven’t had my boyfriend in the bed next to me.”

Phil’s does a subtle double take then. Something softens in his chest, something he’s never felt before. The feeling of not being alone.

“Boyfriend?” he’s almost silent.

“Yeah, boyfriend,” Jimmy replies gruffly. “S’at a problem?”

Phil wants to cower at the words, but Jimmy’s demeanour hasn’t changed at all. Phil doesn’t want to think about Jimmy having to defend himself against people who hate that he has a boyfriend. He hates the idea of Jimmy being _used to it_. It makes him feel a bit sick.

“No!” he says quickly. “No, I just.” He looks at his hands, the warmth of being sat next to a kindred spirit blooming in his chest. He takes a deep breath. “I’ve just never met another gay person before.”

He sees it in Jimmy, the same realisation that Phil just had. He looks over at Phil with renewed happiness, smiles warmly.

“Well, you have now.”

Phil grins shakily. The nerves haven’t left his body, but he doesn’t care right now.

“Don’t uh. Mention it, though.” His eyes widen a little for a second. “I’ve never really… told anyone. Except PJ.”

“Of course not, Phil.” There’s a tenderness in Jimmy’s voice. It’s comforting in a way Phil hasn’t felt since he was a small child, and for a minute Phil feels like a kid again, whispering secrets to his older brother in the dead of night. “I’m not gonna out you.” He shoves at Phil’s shoulder with his fist then. “I’m glad you told me, though. Must be nice to get it off your chest.”

Phil nods. “Still feels weird to say it out loud, to be honest.”

“It does, at first.”

“Hey, Jimmy?” Phil says after a second.

“Yeah, Phil?”

“Can you tell me about your boyfriend?”

They end up staying in the kitchen through the night. They’ve taken it in turns making hot chocolate, both agreeing that Phil’s is best (“I learnt from the master. No one makes hot chocolate like Kath Lester”), and they’ve learnt a bit more about each other, too. Jimmy’s boyfriend is called Tom, and they’ve been together since they were eighteen. Jimmy only came out to his family a year or so ago, and that’s when they started spending every second together, waking or otherwise. Phil tells Jimmy about being twelve on a beach, and seeing a hot shirtless guy walk past, and how seeing that one boy had let to a long five years of confusion and denial before he was ready to accept himself.

The sun is already rising by the time they leave the kitchen and go back to bed. It’s easier to fall asleep now, when his anxiety has been eased by hot chocolate and conversations with Jimmy. The nerves he felt in the car that morning have faded slightly, and now he feels like he can rest easy with the knowledge that he really isn’t alone here. He finally, _finally_ has someone here who understands him, in a way no one else has ever been able to. PJ is great, but he’s straight, and there’s only so much he can really understand what Phil is going through. Now Jimmy is here, and even when Phil thinks about how he’s left most of his friends behind, he’s never felt so far from alone in his life.

When Phil wakes up it’s nearly noon, so he stretches and pulls himself out of bed to find the shower and hopefully some cereal. He drops a text to his mum, telling her good morning and that the biscuits were a big hit. He doesn’t tell her that he misses waking up to the smell of a fry-up on the go.

He emerges from his room at the same time as Dan, and they smile at each other awkwardly in the doorway. Dan’s hair is a mess and his eyes are squinting.

“Shower?” Dan asks him sleepily. It’s gruff and cute, and it matches how Dan looks right now perfectly. Phil can’t help but smile.

“Your guess is as good as mine, mate.”

They decide that finding the shower is not as big a priority as breakfast, and end up sat in the kitchen together with their respective bowls of Shreddies, quietly browsing through their phones when Dan pipes up.

“I feel like maybe I should go do some shopping today.”

Phil nods. “I’d say me too, but I think my parents got me enough to last till Christmas.” He looks up from his phone with a frown. “Were your parents around yesterday? I didn’t see them.”

“My dad had to work,” Dan shrugs. “My mum came, but she still had to leave pretty quickly, it’s a long drive home and she could only get the one day off.”

“Where are you from?”

“Reading.”

“Oh, that is a long way,” Phil says sympathetically.

“Yeah,” Dan laughs a little darkly. “Thank God.”

“Did you not like it?”

Dan sighs and makes a vague hand gesture.

“The place was shit and the people were shittier,” he says. “I got bullied a lot in school. I don’t really like to talk about it.”

“That’s okay,” Phil replies. “Uni’s a fresh start, right? You can be who you want to be, and no one can tell you shit.”

Dan smiles at that. A dimple appears on the side of his face. Phil needs to stop finding cute things about him, before he starts to convince himself he’s developing a crush. He doesn’t really get crushes. He just _wants_ crushes. And then he convinces himself he has a crush, and he gets worked up over nothing. Not this time, though. He knows it’s coming. He can stop it.

“You’re right. I like you, Phil.” He stands up and makes his way to the sink. “I’m gonna go find his shower, and then I’m gonna go shopping.”

“I’ll come if you want,” Phil offers. “I know Manchester pretty well. I could be like… your tour guide or something.”

Dan huffs a quiet laugh.

“Sure, Phil,” he smiles. “That’d be great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! as always, comments are appreciated, come scream at me @ panlesters on tumblr  
> maybe updates will be on saturdays now lmao


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 2am so it's technically saturday  
> enjoy!

Phil passes Dan leaving the shower as he is making his way over, and does a quick double take. Gone is the straight hair that he’s quickly become accustomed to, and in its place is a dripping curly mop. Dan must sense the surprise that Phil feels for a second, because he turns around and offers a slight scowl.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” he grumbles. “I look like a hobbit when my hair is wet, I’m very aware.”

Phil huffs a laugh, but he’s quick to counter it.

“Honestly, I’m just glad to know I’m not the only person in this flat who owns a set of straighteners,” he grins. Dan’s face relaxes visibly.

“Don’t go anywhere without them,” he grins.

He vanishes into his room and leaves Phil to jump into the shower.

When Dan knocks on his door, Phil is hunched over his mirror, straightening his hair with his tongue between his teeth. He calls a quick “come in!” and then Dan is stood in the doorway, looking a lot more composed and ready to face the day than Phil feels.

“Hurry up, tour guide,” Dan says cheerily. It’s a much different attitude from what Phil encountered earlier, and he wonders if Dan’s had some coffee. He’s definitely in need of some.

“Can’t rush this process,” Phil says, as he expertly runs his straighteners down the final strand of hair. “You should know that.”

Dan shrugs. “If I burn my ear I burn my ear, you know?”

Phil scrunches up his face at that. “Each to their own, I guess.”

He grabs some shopping bags that his mum left for him yesterday and a rucsac, and then they’re out and facing the cold morning Manchester air. Phil takes an exaggerated deep breath and huffs out a sigh. He can see his breath a little in the morning air and grins.

“My mum’s gonna love you for making me leave the flat and get some fresh air,” he tells Dan. Dan takes his own whiff of the air around them, and frowns. It smells faintly of petrol fumes, not unlike how London smells.

“I don’t know how fresh it is, mate,” he shrugs.

“Northern air not good enough for you southerners?” Phil jibes.

“Yeah, that’s it,” Dan deadpans. “Aren’t you from a village, though? Surely this air shouldn’t be so fresh for you either.”

“I don’t know,” Phil shrugs. “Manchester air is pretty strong, it probably carries over to us somehow.”

Dan opens his mouth with a frown but Phil grins at him in a way that he hopes conveys “science means nothing to me” and Dan’s mouth shuts again. 

They pass a Starbucks on their walk, and Phil gravitates towards it like he’s being pulled in by some invisible force.

“Hey, Dan,” Dan retorts as Phil leaves his side completely. “We should stop at Starbucks, don’t you think? Yes Phil, that’s a great idea.”

“Hey, I’ve not had any coffee yet,” Phil whines. “You’re lucky I made sure to be on my best pre-coffee behaviour today, or you’d have been met by a troll this morning. I need this stuff to live.”

Dan rolls his eyes.

“Are you always this dramatic?”

“Yep.”

They end up in the Starbucks queue, and both order themselves caramel macchiatos, with a silent nod to each other in agreement of their coffee choice. Phil is already drinking away as they leave the shop, and Dan gives him a look that Phil wants to describe as fond. It’s not a word he’s ever felt the need to describe a look as before, and he ignores the slightly fuzzy feeling it gives his stomach.

“Why not just inject it into your veins?” Dan laughs.

“Great idea,” Phil grins back. “My mum used to use coffee to get me out of bed before school in the mornings and now I’m addicted, so you can blame her entirely.”

“You and your mum seem pretty close,” Dan observes. Phil nods.

“We are,” he smiles softly. “She’s cool, my mum.” He looks over at Dan, sees the slightly sad look on his face. “What about you?”

“What _about_ me?”

“Are you close with your parents?” Dan snorts then.

“Fuck, no.” He shoves his free hand into his jacket pocket. “I feel like I barely even know them.” He looks over and sees Phil’s frown. “They just work a lot. My grandma practically raised me.”

“Oh?”

“She’s great, actually,” he smiles. “Apart from, like, forcing me to go to church for years.”

“I don’t remember the last time I even set foot in a church,” Phil shrugs.

“It didn’t do anything for me,” Dan grins. “Still hell bound.”

The walk to Asda from their flat is a long one, but they somehow manage to find things to talk about the whole way. Phil tells Dan about his brother and his cool Swedish girlfriend, and Dan tells Phil about his brother and their really old, sweet dog.

“I’d love a dog one day,” Phil says. “I want a corgi. Or something huge, a big teddy bear dog.”

Dan laughs. “Banghi’s like that. A super old, grumpy, fluffy bear.”

“That sounds perfect.”

When they reach Asda, Phil grabs a trolley and they set about finding things from Dan’s shopping list. They stay together until Dan says he needs some cheese, and Phil wrinkles his nose, declaring that he won’t follow Dan to those gates of hell. He leaves Dan to find what he needs and heads off to find some more biscuits for the flat instead.

“Better keep myself on everyone’s good side,” he jokes as he leaves Dan at the fridge section.

When Phil returns from his biscuit mission, Dan is still stood in the cheese aisle. Phil is about to make some joke about how bad it smells when he takes the time to observe Dan a little closer. He has his phone in one hand, a packet of cheese in the other, and tears streaking wet lines across his cheeks.

“Dan?” Phil asks softly as he pushes their trolley over. Dan jumps when he hears Phil, and quickly wipes a sleeve across his eyes.

“Yeah.” He doesn’t look up, instead pushing his phone back into his pocket and the cheese in the trolley.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” he sniffs. “I, uh. I gotta find something I can figure out how to cook.”

Phil frowns but he doesn’t push it. He makes a mental note to ask a little more later, when they’re not surrounded by people and Dan is maybe feeling a little less vulnerable.

“Pasta,” Phil says instead. “Come on.”

Dan has a decent sized food haul by the end of their shopping trip. It’s nothing compared to Kath and Nigel’s year supply, but Phil is glad of that when he remembers the hour walk home ahead of them.

They’ve gotten a short way in comfortable silence when Phil speaks up.

“So, uh.” He looks over at Dan. “You wanna talk about what happened in there?”

“What did happen in there?”

“I don’t know,” Phil tries his best to crack a smile for Dan. “Either that cheese said something really nasty to you, or you might have something else to get off your chest.”

Dan takes a visibly deep breath and looks at his feet as he keeps walking.

“I’m just scared,” he says quietly, before huffing a bitter laugh. “I’m really fucking terrified. What if I hate law? What if I can’t cope with the workload? I don’t know how to cook _anything_ , I’ve never been to a laundrette. How the fuck am I gonna be a functional adult?” He takes a much needed breath, and looks up at Phil. “I guess I kind of had a crisis. And I phoned my grandma, because, you know, she’s always the one who knows what to do. And she just didn’t pick up, and then I lost it.”

Phil’s quiet for a moment.

“I’m scared too,” he says, almost silently.

“At least you have PJ.” It comes out more bitter than Dan had intended, but he continues. “I don’t know anyone here.”

“You know me now,” Phil smiles. The look Dan gives him suggests that he perhaps wasn’t expecting such a friendly response, and it hurts Phil’s heart a little. “And you know PJ and Jimmy. We’re all here for each other, right? We can all be dysfunctional adults together.”

Dan offers him a sad smile in return. “That’s that problem solved then, I guess. Now I just gotta learn how to cook and clean for myself.”

“You have pasta,” Phil shrugs. “That’s easy enough. Anyone can cook pasta.”

Anyone, as it turns out, cannot cook pasta.

Phil’s in his room on his laptop when he hears Dan’s cry for help. He and PJ are quick out of their rooms and into the kitchen where Dan is stood, wielding a fire blanket, standing frozen in front of a pan on the hob. On fire.

PJ is the first to act, grabbing the fire blanket from Dan and throwing it over the pan. It doesn’t take long for the fire to die down, and Phil is mostly just glad that the fire alarm hasn’t set off yet. He’d hate for them to be _that_ flat who managed to set off the fire alarm on the second day.

“What the hell were you making that set on fire?” Phil asks, opening the windows and moving a very shaken Dan away from the stove.

“Pasta,” he whines indignantly. “You said it was easy!”

“It _is_ easy!” Phil frowns. “I’ve cooked pasta a million times, and _never_ have I set it on fire. What did you do, forget to put the water in or something?”

Dan pales. “You’re meant to put water in?”

Dan looks like he’s about to cry again when PJ suddenly bursts out laughing. Phil and Dan look at him blankly until Dan crumbles and he joins in, both of them wheezing at the ridiculousness of the situation. Phil lets out a fond sigh and rolls his eyes.

“Okay,” PJ wheezes. “No more cooking for you.”

When Jimmy walks into the kitchen about half an hour later, he’s met by Dan’s crash course in how to cook pasta and sauce from Phil and PJ. He can cope with that. But when he sees the dejected fire pan with the fire blanket still over it, he can’t hold in his questions.

“Okay, what the fuck did I miss?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me @ panlesters on tumblr


	4. Chapter 4

By the third day, Phil can feel the homesick ache in his chest. He hates how it’s only been a few days and he’s already missing his family like crazy. He’s been texting them the whole time, of course, but it’s not the same. It’s not right to have gone so long without seeing them face to face. He wants a hug from his mum and a weird, manly handshake from his dad. He even misses Martyn more than usual, and he barely ever saw him as it was. After a lot of pottering around the flat feeling sorry for himself, he decides that it’s not too needy to call his mum after three days. As long as he tells her it’s just for a little catch up, and not because he hates going so long without hearing her voice.

The others have ventured out to have a look round the society fair, so he’s alone in the flat right now. It was a bit too daunting for Phil today, when he thought about the sheer amount of people who might be crammed into one or two sports halls. He doesn’t really feel like antagonising his anxiety while he gets surrounded by extroverted students trying their very best to get him to sign up to things he doesn’t want to sign up to. He’s decided instead to stay home and get his bearings on the reading he’s going to be doing. Now he’s taking a break from all that to prepare some lunch, and he decides it's as good a time as any to ring his mum.

He pulls out his phone and rings his mum on speaker while he busies himself in chopping some peppers for his pasta sauce.

“Child,” she says as she picks up. She sounds cheerful, like she’s pleased to hear from him. Maybe she’s missed his voice, too. It warms Phil’s chest a little.

“Hi mum.” He’s trying to match her cheeriness, but he feels like all his voice is conveying is the _I miss you_ he’s feeling right now.

“You okay, Phil?” there is immediate concern in her voice, and Phil smiles. She really knows him so well.

“Yeah, just been working this morning is all,” he shrugs.

“Working, already?” his mum sounds shocked, and he has to let out a little giggle. “For heaven’s sake, Phil, it’s your first week, you should be out partying!”

“Mum, it’s not even really the afternoon yet,” he rolls his eyes.

“Well, you’d better make sure you get out there tonight, young man,” she tells him in a mock-stern voice. “How are you getting on, love?”

“Pretty good.” He pops a slice of pepper in his mouth and dumps the rest in the pasta sauce he’s making. “All my flatmates are all really cool. Me and Dan did a trip to Asda yesterday.”

“After I bought you all that food, greedy boy?”

“It wasn’t for me!” he whines, holding his hands up in surrender before he remembers she can’t see him. “Dan needed food, and I’m the one who knows my way around Manchester.”

His mum hums in thought, but before she can reply, Dan walks into the kitchen, looking very red in the face and put out.

“Hey,” he says quietly in a puff of breath.

“Hi,” Phil replies.

“Hello, flatmate!” Kath calls from the phone.

“Oh!” Dan looks up in surprise. “A mother. Hi Phil’s mum!”

“That’s Dan, mum,” Phil says, offering Dan a sympathetic smile and mouthing a quick “sorry”. Dan dismisses him with a wave of his hand. “They’ve been out looking at societies.”

“Anything good, Dan?” Kath asks.

“No, terrible, Mrs, uh…”

“Kath,” Kath replies. Dan shoots Phil a look that’s somewhere between panic and a frown. Phil whispers “Lester” at him and he mouths back a thank you.

“Mrs Lester,” he smiles softly. Phil thinks he can hear the eyeroll down the phone, but she doesn’t correct him. “I didn’t really stay long enough to find out what there was. Some tall guy was really aggressive about trying for rowing, and I bailed pretty quickly.”

“Good call,” Phil replies.

“Now, don’t let my son encourage you to sit around and play video games all day,” Kath chastises. “Exercise is good for you growing boys.”

“I already told you we walked to Asda and back,” Phil groans. “Is that not enough exercise?”

“I feel like the terror from the Pasta Incident burnt off some calories too,” Dan says quietly.

“The what, love?” Kath says. “What pasta incident?”

“Oh, Dan didn’t put water in his pasta and it set on fire,” Phil grins. The muffled shriek of laughter from Kath has Dan turning red, mortified.

“Yeah, just tell the world, why don’t you,” Dan mock-grumbles, giving Phil a gentle shove. He lets Phil and Kath abuse him a little as he goes about making some pizza. Phil notices how quiet he’s gone, how he shrinks back into the corner to curl up on a chair and wait for his food to cook. Phil finishes his sauce as quick as he can, making his excuses to his mum and hanging up.

“Hey,” Phil says as he makes his way over with his pasta plate. “You okay?”

Dan looks almost like he’s been knocked out of a daydream. “Yeah,” he says distantly. His posture changes as soon as Phil sits next to him. He uncurls a little, sits up straighter, like he’s just noticed the energy he’s giving off. “Why?”

“You just look kind of small and sad over here,” Phil says quietly. He half-hopes he’s read it wrong and Dan is okay, half-hopes he hasn’t, so he doesn’t look like a total weirdo.

Dan shrugs. “It’s nothing, really.”

Phil turns his body to the tabletop next to them, giving Dan a little more space. “You can talk to me, you know. If you want.”

Dan lets out a heavy sigh and looks down at his hands. “I just miss my mum, you know?” Phil nods. “It’s weird. We’re not close like you and your mum. We don’t talk like that, we don’t really joke around.” He swallows audibly, as if he’s scared of what he’s going to say next. “Sometimes, I guess… I miss how we could’ve been. If she’d just… been there.”

Phil softens. He wants to reach out a hand to Dan’s shoulder, pull him into a hug, do _something_ to show him he understands and wants to help. He’s never been very good at words of comfort, but he feels like he could at least offer a gentle touch. He doesn’t know Dan well enough for that though, doesn’t know his boundaries at all, so he sits quietly, gives a gentle nod, and lets Dan continue in his own time.

“Sometimes, it’s just…” he trails off for a second. “It’s difficult to watch other people have that with their parents. Because I never did.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil says quietly. He’s not really sure what else he can say. “Sometimes I forget how much I take it for granted, mine and my mum’s relationship.”

“There’s no reason to apologise,” Dan says quietly. “I didn’t want to make you feel guilty or anything. I mean, I’m pretty close with my grandma, she’s really nice and funny. I just… wish my mum had been there for me, you know?”

“I understand,” Phil answers softly. He grins up a little at Dan then. “Wow, two heart-to-hearts in one week, we really are bonding, huh?”

Dan softens and returns Phil’s grin. He’s happy the little joke has worked to cheer Dan up a bit. Little jokes are something he has an abundance of.

Phil’s not really still hungry when he’s finished his pasta but he takes Dan up on his offer for a slice of pizza anyway. It feels like an addition to their bonding session, and he’s never been one to turn down free food. They sit in silence for a couple of minutes, before Dan speaks up again.

“Hey, Phil?” he’s curled back in on himself again, and Phil makes sure to give him his full attention.

“Yeah?”

“All my shit, it just stays between us, right?”

Yeah, of course.” Phil looks up at Dan with a frown. Somewhere, his gut stirs in anger at the thought of Dan saying something in confidence only to have his dirty laundry aired around school by someone else the next day.

“Okay.” Dan takes a deep breath then. He seems visibly more relaxed, and Phil dips his head to take a bite out of his pizza crust.

“Phil?”

“Mhm?” his mouth is full of pizza crust when he replies, but it succeeds in drawing a gentle giggle from Dan, so he counts it as a win.

“Thank you.”

The smile Dan gives Phil when he looks up is soft and genuine, and it warms Phil’s heart to know that he can give a little bit of comfort to this boy who seems like he’s gone through a little too much shit for still only being a teenager. Phil had come to uni thinking he could start afresh, be himself, be more open with people than he ever was at home. Hopefully it can be that place for Dan, too. He’d like to help make it that place for Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! leave a comment if you like, come scream at me @panlesters on tumblr


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okayyy i'm back enjoy!!

“Hey,” Dan says as he walks into the kitchen on Friday morning to greet Phil and PJ.

“Hey,” they reply in unison, looking at each other and having a little giggle.

“So I was thinking.” Dan says as he heads to his own cupboard and pulls out a packet of crisps. “It’s the last day of Freshers Week, we should go out. Get pissed, all that.”

“Uh,” Phil frowns, then shoots a worried look to PJ. “Well, uh, me and Peej are going home tomorrow, for our friends’ birthday. We have an early-ish bus, we can’t really be out late.” He gives PJ an apologetic look but the way PJ looks back at him suggests it wasn’t an unwelcome excuse.

“Oh.” Dan looks away for a second. Phil notices immediately how his voice falters. He feels awful, but it’s not entirely untrue. It’s Chris’ birthday on Sunday, and they’re going home for a movie night. But their bus isn’t until one p.m., and he’d have plenty of time to surface even if he was out late. He just. Really hates going out to clubs and getting pissed. “Okay, no worries I guess.” Phil feels awful. He wants to say something, but Dan is already heading out again.

“Fuck, Peej, now what?” Phil whines. “We’ve not even been here a week and I’m already upsetting people.”

“You can just tell him you don’t like clubs, Phil,” PJ rolls his eyes. “We could always just get pissed here anyway, just the four of us.”

 _That_ sounds more Phil’s style. He enjoys drinking, and he enjoys being drunk. He just hates having to deal with loud music, thumping bass, flashing lights, and music he couldn’t care less about.

“Maybe I’ll go and talk to Dan,” Phil decides quietly. He goes to leave. 

“Y’know, Phil,” PJ grins, folding his arms and giving Phil a pointed look as he turns back. “If I didn’t know you any better, I’d say you have a bit of a soft spot for our Dan.” Phil rolls his eyes.

“It’s a good job you know me better then, isn’t it,” he deadpans.

“Hmm, I’m not sure, Philly,” PJ says slyly as he turns the oven on for the pie he’s just dug out the freezer.

“You’re _not_ sure you know me better?” Phil raises his eyebrows.

“I think,” PJ tells him, stopping to look him dead in the eye, “That you have a _teensy_ bit of a crush on him.”

“For fuck’s sake, Peej,” Phil says. “Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I have a crush on every guy I look at.”

“I’m not saying you do, Phil,” PJ huffs a sigh. “I’m just saying, Jimmy and I were pretty disappointed when you said you weren’t coming to the society fair with us the other day, and you didn’t even think about trying to make it up to us.”

“You said it was fine!” Phil protests.

“Yeah, and Dan said no worries, what’s your fucking point?” PJ counters.

Phil stops, huffing and frowning at PJ. He knows he's been cornered now. 

“Whatever, I don’t have a crush on him,” Phil says grumpily.

“Mmmhm,” PJ says smugly.

“We’ve just been talking about stuff, okay?” Phil says. “Dan’s… having a tough time, I’m just trying to make sure he’s enjoying himself.”

He leaves the kitchen before PJ has a chance to tease him any longer. He’s already tired of seeing that dumb, smug face.

He goes to Jimmy first, since it’s his flat too, before making his rounds to Dan’s room. He knocks gently, thinking he’ll probably have to knock again before he hears Dan’s muffled voice from behind the door.

“Yeah?”

“It’s me,” Phil calls. He frowns for a second. “It’s Phil.”

He hears a huffed laugh from behind the door. “Yeah I can tell it’s you, Phil.”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

Phil pushes the door open to find Dan sat at his desk with his laptop. Phil stands awkwardly in the doorway for a couple of seconds before Dan huffs out a little laugh.

“You can come in and sit down if you want, you know.”

“Oh.” Phil walks in and sits himself down on Dan’s bed. He’s not been in here since the first night, so he takes the time to look around at Dan's decorating. There’s not much here, a couple of teddies, a Muse poster on the wall, some untouched law textbooks.

“So, uhh,” Dan says, catching his attention. “What’s up?”

“Oh! Yeah,” Phil grins sheepishly. “So I have something to admit.” Dan raises his eyebrows and Phil looks at his hands. “I… lied about going out clubbing tonight.”

“Oh.” Dan frowns. “You wanna go out?”

“Uh, no, not really,” Phil says quietly. “Not because of the bus tomorrow though, our bus isn’t till the afternoon. I just. Really hate clubs.”

“Oh,” Dan says. His voice doesn’t sound annoyed. He sounds pretty surprised. “That’s okay, Phil. I don’t mind.”

“But, me and Peej were thinking maybe we could have our own little Freshers’ party here instead?” Phil looks up at Dan then. “Just the four of us? Have a bit too much to drink, play some card games. You know?”

Dan’s face lights up.

“Actually, that sounds pretty good!” he says. “Although we don’t have much by way of alcohol in the house, maybe we should take another trip to Asda.”

They manage to convince PJ and Jimmy to go on an Asda trip with them and scrounge together enough spare change between them to pay for a taxi instead of taking the long trek across town. They end up with a fairly big alcohol haul between them, and definitely get a couple of shifty eyes from the cashier as they load up some bottles of Malibu, cheap vodka, and a few other mixers with some coke and lemonade on the side. Phil runs back to get some snacks and then they’re all set for their night in.

It’s already getting to be nearly six p.m. by the time they’re back at the flat so there’s no judgement between them when Dan pours himself a glass of Malibu. Phil watches him pour it and huffs a surprised laugh at the amount of rum he uses.

“Wow, Dan, you want some coke with that Malibu?” he jokes, taking the bottle from him to pour himself a glass that might have a bit less of a kick to it. Dan looks him dead in the eye and puts the coke back down before he's even put any in.

“Nah.” He takes a big swig from his glass and hauls himself into a stool at the breakfast bar. Phil almost does the same, but really he knows better, so he settles with mixing some coke into his drink and sits down on the floor at Dan’s feet. PJ’s mixing vodka and coke, and none of them are really sure what Jimmy is making, but they’re all a little too afraid to ask after the amount of time he spent mixing it, and the amount of vodka that’s gone from the bottle.

They’re a few rounds in by the time they’re all starting to feel the effects and Jimmy suggests a card game. Some kind of pre-knowing each other synchronising must have happened because they’ve all brought a pack of cards with them, so they push all four packs together and play a mega game of Cheat. The game lasts a couple of hours, but they realise it’s a lot more difficult to play drunk, when Dan says, “two kings!” very confidently, before laying down a Joker and an ace face up on the pile. Everyone in the circle gives him a bit of a sympathetic look. They all manage a “cheat!” in unison before deciding that maybe they’re too drunk for all this.

It’s PJ who says that they should play Spin the Bottle. Of course it is. Phil rolls his eyes, thinking back to the amount of times he played it in the past with PJ and a bunch of other friends, in a ‘not gay way’ when they were in school. He’d have thought PJ might have a little more tact than this, but apparently not.

“Come on,” PJ grins drunkenly. “Why shouldn’t we have all kissed each other?”

“I think my boyfriend could think of a solid few reasons,” Jimmy replies gruffly. PJ offers only a surprised giggle.

“You boys are all pretty cute,” Dan slurs. “I’d kiss any of you without a spinning bottle being involved.”

Phil’s not sure why his face suddenly feels hot, but he thinks he can get away with blaming it on the alcohol. The alcohol and the idea of kissing a boy. Kissing _any_ boy.

“Can you even play spin the bottle with three people?” PJ whines.

“Damn, Peej, I didn’t know you were so eager to kiss me,” Phil jokes, in an attempt to hide his anxiety.

“Maybe I’m just eager to kiss Dan,” PJ shoots back. He seems to be paying attention to Phil’s reaction, as if he hasn’t let it go that he thinks Phil has a crush on him. Phil just pulls a face back at him and looks over at Dan.

“Well you don’t have to convince me.” Dan holds his hands up in the air. “I’ve even got an empty bottle we can use.”

And so that’s how they end up sat around the circle, Jimmy included (“just some platonic pecks on the cheek for me, please”) with an empty wine bottle in between them. Phil’s not sure where Dan got it from but it makes him a little sad, in his drunken haze, to think about Dan alone in his room, drinking a bottle of wine by himself.

“Phil!” PJ pulls Phil out of his thoughts and his head shoots up. “You first.”

Phil spins the bottle gently and it lands on Jimmy, sat next to him. Easy. He leans over and presses a kiss on Jimmy’s cheek. Jimmy offers him a smirk and a nod, and leans over to spin his own bottle.

They’re on their third round when PJ calls Phil a cheat. All of Phil’s spins have landed on Jimmy, and PJ’s not having any of it.

“I’m spinning it for you this time, Philly,” he tells him. It lands on PJ, and Phil grins.

“You finally get what you wanted, Peej,” Phil grins. He’s nervous about it, not that he’s got any reason why. He’s kissed plenty of people in drunk spin the bottle before. He’s kissed _PJ_ plenty of times in spin the bottle. He’s not really sure what’s making him so nervous this time but he’s determined to ignore it.

He makes a show of their kiss being as long and drawn out as possible, cupping PJ’s jaw and giving him a wink. Or, as much of a wink as he can manage. He presses their lips together and, when he feels PJ begin to move away, sticks his tongue out to unceremoniously swipe across PJ’s lip. PJ darts back and yells out a cry, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his hoodie.

“Ew, Phil! That’s disgusting!”

Phil can’t stop laughing. He sits giggling for what feels like a full five minutes, before trying for another wink.

“Shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic to kiss me, then.”

On Phil’s next spin, it lands on PJ again, and he promptly decides the game is over. Phil’s not sure why he feels disappointed that he and Dan didn’t kiss, but he puts it down to watching him place gentle kisses on PJ’s lips and Jimmy’s cheek. He’d quite like a gentle kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me @panlesters on tumblr


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a day late! i went away for the weekend and fully forgot about the fic  
> just a heads up that i only have a few chapters left on backlog atm and ive not written anything for a while,, im being lowkey bombarded with essays atm so obviously that is top priority,, if the fic stops abruptly and doesnt get updated for a while in a few chapters time that's why  
> anyways enjoy!

Phil is a lot more jittery than he’d like to admit on the journey home. He’s managed to cope without his parents this last week, but the ache in his chest from not seeing them every day hasn’t gone away, and he’s looking forward to seeing them again, even if it’s just to steal a lift off of them to Chris’ house.

PJ is in the window seat, headphones in, watching the world go past. Neither of them are particularly talkative on long journeys, but he wants to talk to someone. He pulls his phone out his pocket and flicks through songs for a couple of minutes until he finds one perfect for his mood. When he’s done, he’s bored again. His first thought is to text Dan. Ask him about his hangover, whether he managed to cook his pasta okay today. He’s not got Dan’s number, though, so he’s stuck. Instead, he drops a quick text to Chris.

**_Phil: On our way! See you soon!_ **

Chris only takes a few minutes to reply, sending back a long string of exclamation marks. There’s a queasy feeling that rises in Phil’s stomach for a second, and he looks over at PJ. He’s felt guilty for some time now that despite the longstanding friendship between all three of them, he only ever came out to PJ. He wants to tell Chris, he _really_ does. It’s just scary. It’s like the more people he tells, the more real it becomes. And it's not like he doesn't want it to feel real. But the more real it becomes, the more he feels like he’s keeping some massive secret from his parents, from Martyn, from the rest of his family. If he limits his people to PJ and Jimmy, it’s still a secret. It’s not a piece of common knowledge that he's hiding from his parents. It’s manageable.

Getting off the bus is a relief. Phil can take a breath of fresh air and let the motion sickness wear off a little while they find his mum. PJ catches her through the crowd first and they rush to meet her, Phil wrapping her in a big hug straight away before they head to the car.

“So boys, how are you finding it so far?”

“It’s pretty good,” PJ grins at Phil. “The other guys are nice, we played some card games last night but we had to stop when we were all too drunk.”

Phil reaches across to smack PJ across the arm, and Kath frowns at Phil.

“Not too drunk, I hope,” she gives Phil a pointed look.

"No, mum," he says with a roll of his eyes, "Just too drunk to be able to concentrate on a game of cheat.”

PJ offers Phil a quiet sorry in the car on the way to Chris’, but he shrugs it off. He’s missed her enough for even the overprotective tendencies to be endearing.

They pile out the car at Chris’ and wave a quick goodbye to Kath, before Chris is coming out to greet them. They’re soon sat around Chris’ TV, waiting for Speed to begin playing while PJ heads into the kitchen to microwave some popcorn.

“So, Philly,” Chris grins. “How’s uni? Met any cute birds yet?”

Phil laughs nervously. “Uh, well, I’ve not really met anyone besides my own flatmates yet,” he says quietly.

“How are they?” it’s nice that Chris is genuinely interested. Phil still feels a bit bad that he and PJ have gone off to uni and left Chris to fend for himself in Rawtenstall, but they all know that uni was never what Chris really wanted for himself. He keeps that thought in mind as much as he can.

“They’re all great,” he grins. “We’ve got Jimmy and Dan. Jimmy’s a bit older than us and he’s a laugh, and Dan’s into Muse!”

“Oh God,” Chris groans as PJ returns, juggling three full bowls of toffee popcorn. “You’re going to be unstoppable. Tell me none of them are into Buffy at least.”

“Not yet,” Phil says, grinning. “But I’m sure I can convert them.”

“You better not,” PJ grumbles, “Or I’ll kick you out.”

They watch a few movies through the night, and when they all start to feel a bit tired Chris pulls out some sleeping bags from somewhere and sets Phil and PJ on a sofa each.

“You can’t sleep on the floor on your birthday, Chris,” Phil says weakly. He definitely doesn’t want to swap places, but he’ll at least be polite about it.

“You’re my guests,” Chris replies indignantly. “You’re taking the sofas.”

Phil doesn’t argue more than he has to, and in the end he and PJ are settled on their respective sofas while Chris shuffles into his sleeping bag on the floor.

“Night lads,” Chris says, shoving his hand under his own pillow. PJ reaches to flick the switch and they’re all plunged into darkness.

Phil tries desperately to fall asleep in the hour and a half that follow the light turning out. He’s not in university halls now, it might not be very acceptable for him to get up and make himself a hot chocolate tonight. He lies awake and stares at the ceiling for a little while, just thinking. About uni, about Chris, about being gay. A little about Dan.

He’s a bit scared of the idea of having a crush on Dan. It’s another one of those things that makes it real. Saying that he’s gay is one thing. Looking at a guy and thinking they’re hot is the next step up the ladder. But having a real crush on a guy is like… two or three more rungs up the ladder and Phil is still a bit scared of those heights. Anyway, he’s never had a proper crush on a guy before. He’s just had so many people telling him he’ll move to uni and find someone perfect for him. He’s been forced to expect that. Surely it’s only normal for him to latch on to the first cute person he sees and let his brain drag him into thinking he has a crush. He doesn’t have a crush, though. He just thinks Dan is cute. And that’s allowed. Thinking a guy is cute is within reach on the ladder step he’s at.

He’s neck-deep in thought when he hears a huff. It’s not a sleeping huff. It’s a decidedly awake and frustrated huff. It came from Chris, and Phil moves his head a little to see Chris on his phone, scrolling through what he assumes is Facebook.

“Chris?” Phil whispers. Chris looks over at him.

“Hey,” he whispers back.

“Can’t sleep?”

“Nah.”

“Why not?” Phil rolls over on to his side so that he can see Chris without hurting his neck.

“Just thinking,” Chris sighs. He carries on before Phil can ask him to elaborate. “About you and Peej, and how you’re off at uni without me.”

“Chris,” Phil starts.

“I know, I know,” Chris says. “I didn’t want that, I’m following my own path. I guess I’m a little jealous, you know? I still wish I could be with you guys, even though I’m not going to uni.” Phil nods, because he doesn’t know what else to do. “You’re both gonna go off, and find cute girlfriends, and build your lives without me. I’m kind of scared for what happens when you forget about me.”

Phil huffs out a sigh. He wants to reach out and put a comforting hand on Chris’ shoulder, but they’ve never been that kind of friends.

“We’re never gonna forget about you,” Phil says. He hopes the sincerity carries through in his voice, because it’s there, aching, in his heart. His best friend, alone in the world.

“I know,” Chris says quietly. He sounds sincere too, at least. Phil of all people knows how much of a bitch anxiety can be, but at least Chris knows where he stands with them outside of the anxiety in his head.

Phil rolls on to his back. He’s going to say something to Chris, and he doesn’t want to look at him as he does it.

“Chris?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I tell you something?” Phil’s voice is so quiet he thinks for a second that Chris didn’t hear him at all.

“Yeah,” is the gentle response he gets. Phil’s throat is suddenly very dry, and he swallows a loud gulp. It’s now or never.

“I’m gay.”

He did it. He came out.

“Oh,” Chris says. Phil still doesn’t want to look at him. He doesn’t want to see the reaction on Chris’ face. He hears a huff though, a huff he hopes is laughter. “So, I guess you’re really not gonna get a girlfriend and forget about me, then?”

Phil grins and flops back on to his side to face Chris again.

“Nope,” he says. He feels like he’s glowing and the face Chris is pulling right back at him tells him he really is. “A boyfriend, maybe.”

“Phil, that’s… that’s really great.” Phil feels a flutter in his chest, something that feels like love from family. “I’m really glad you told me.”

Something that feels too much like a rush of emotion hits his chest, and Phil has to roll back over to face the ceiling, or he might start to cry.

“Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @panlesters


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is another late one! i'm still buried in uni work at the moment so this fic hasnt really been on my mind so much recently  
> anyways enjoy!

Dan doesn’t really want to emerge from his room the morning after their flat night in. In his head he was going to be able to at least say goodbye to Phil and PJ before they left for the weekend, but by the time he’s woken up it’s already 12:30, and he knows he’s missed them. His head hurts a bit and he’s definitely regretting drinking neat Malibu all night. He’s never done something like that to impress a boy before, and he’s not really sure what his dumb brain was thinking. He doesn’t even think it really worked.

When Dan finally manages to get himself up and in the shower, there’s only Jimmy left in the flat. It feels a little awkward to think about. He feels like he doesn’t really know Jimmy as well as he’s gotten to know the other two in the last couple of days, but Dan admires him a lot. He almost sees Jimmy as the cool big brother that he never had, and maybe he could be. He's funny, street-wise. Out. Hearing Jimmy talk openly about his boyfriend makes Dan’s heart ache at the idea that one day that could be _him_. But he’s a long way from that point. He’s making progress, of course, but it’s only baby steps. Just admitting to himself that he’s gay has taken nineteen long years, and saying it out loud hasn’t started getting any easier. The only thing he likes so far about this whole… gay thing is how he cute he thinks Phil is. But that’s still a little too scary for him to think about, so he makes the executive decision to push that to the back of his mind and think about it when he’s further along this journey he’s on.

Dan gets way too caught up in his own thoughts in the shower, and when steps out, the whole flat smells faintly of cheese. He’s quick to dress and sort his hair out so he can get into the kitchen and find out what Jimmy is cooking that smells so good.

When he pokes his head in the kitchen door, Jimmy is stood over the stove, swaying and singing along to whatever music is playing through his earphones. The cheese scent is a lot stronger in the kitchen, and Dan thinks that if he’s lucky he might be able to convince Jimmy to share whatever he’s making.

“Hey,” he says as he walks in. Jimmy doesn’t turn, and as Dan gets closer he can hear the music coming from Jimmy’s earphones. He knows what it is straight away; he’d recognise the drum beat to Dance Dance anywhere. He reaches up an arm to tap Jimmy on the shoulder and he jumps, spinning around and quickly pulling an earbud out.

“Dan!” he grins. “Nice to see you’re still alive.”

“What’re you making?” Dan asks, ignoring the comment in favour of taking a quick glance over Jimmy’s shoulder into the pan.

“I,” Jimmy says proudly, turning back to the concoction on the stove, “Am recreating a Gregg’s ham and cheese bake.”

Dan frowns. “Why?”

“Because I want a Gregg’s ham and cheese bake,” Jimmy says.

“So… why don’t you just go to Gregg’s?”

Jimmy huffs and turns back around to Dan. He opens his mouth, then shuts it again with a creased brow. He opens it again after a second.

“Just felt too much like death to leave the house.”

Dan nods. If there’s one thing he understands better than anything else, it’s not wanting to leave the house. “Is this like a hangover cure or something?”

“Sure,” Jimmy shrugs. “We’ll go with that.” He dips a finger into the melted cheese and ham bubbling in the pan, hissing in pain and yanking his hand back. It doesn’t stop him from popping the finger in his mouth for a taste, though, and he seems to have completely forgotten about the burn. “You want some?”

“If it’s going,” Dan says. He moves to his cupboard to pull out two plates for them. “Sounds like you’ve got a fairly decent music taste.”

“Oh, you like Fall Out Boy?” Jimmy pulls out his earphones from the jack and lets the music play from his phone speaker.

“I _love_ Fall Out Boy,” Dan grins. The song has changed to I Don’t Care, and Dan is immediately singing the lyrics at the top of his lungs. He’s pretty sure he’s embarrassing himself, and he’s about to stop when Jimmy joins in. Then they’re yelling along to the song together, tapping the kitchen sides to the beat until the song has played out.

Dan is on top of the world by the end of it. He’s had enough time home alone in his life to be able to sing songs as loud as he wants, but he’s never really had someone to jam along to those songs just as enthusiastically as him. It feels great.

Dan wants to question why Jimmy just has pastry ingredients in the flat if this is really just spontaneous baking, but he decides to leave the questioning and just help Jimmy knead together the dough for the bakes. It feels good to do a joint activity with someone he feels he could really look up to. He missed this as a kid, growing up almost by himself while everyone else went on with their lives around him. It’s refreshing to finally stop watching the world go by alone. He gets to breathe, and do something fun, something he should have done as a child but never got the chance.

It’s another hour before they finally get to sit down at the breakfast bar and enjoy their spoils. Jimmy is quietly happy with his creation, but Dan lets out what can only be described as a sexual moan when he bites into the bake. It earns him a horrified look from Jimmy, and he snorts a laugh.

“Look, I just enjoy food loudly, okay?” he says once he’s managed to finish his mouthful. “Stop judging me!”

“Mate, if I’d known letting you have one of these was gonna mean seeing your o-face I’d have kept it to myself,” Jimmy frowns. He takes another bite before feigning a sigh of disappointment. “Look, now you’ve put me off my lunch.”

Dan snickers as he takes another bite. In his defence, it is incredible. Jimmy has turned out to be a fairly reasonable chef, and Dan is definitely glad to have him in the flat.

“Do you have any siblings?” he asks, out of the blue.

“Nah,” Jimmy shrugs. “Only child, me.” They sit in silence for a few minutes while they eat the rest of their bakes, before Jimmy speaks up again. “What about you?”

“Oh, I have a younger brother,” Dan says. “It kinda sucks.”

“Why?” Jimmy frowns. “I’d have loved a younger brother.”

“Well, he’s just…” Dan huffs out a breath. “I’m a lot older than him, and he’s kind of annoying.” He doesn’t really have much more to say than that, and he feels a bit stupid for it. “I hate being the oldest, anyway. It’s all babysitting and being told off for shit that Adrian does.” He sighs. “I wish I could’ve had an older brother instead.”

“What, so they could babysit and take the blame for the shit you do?”

Dan frowns, and looks over at Jimmy to protest until he sees the grin across his face. He shrugs then, looks at his empty plate.

“It would’ve been nice to have someone around,” he says quietly. They’re silent for a second before Jimmy knocks a fist against Dan’s shoulder.

“Hey,” he murmurs. “You’ve got people around now, yeah?” Dan looks up at him with a weak smile. “We’re already like a big, weird, dysfunctional family. I’m your big brother now.”

“Perfect,” Dan croaks thickly. He risks leaning across his chair to rest his head on Jimmy’s shoulder, and Jimmy leans his head back. Dan thrives off of physical affection. Maybe it's because he didn’t get enough of it as a kid. Or maybe he’s just got a softer soul than he’d like to admit.

It’s too easy to shut himself up in his room after lunch. Jimmy has gone to Skype Tom, and Dan is left to his own devices. He doesn’t have anyone to talk to, really. He'd pretty much cut off all his friends from home as soon as he could. He thinks about texting Phil, before he remembers that none of them have exchanged numbers yet. He settles instead for pulling out the keyboard he brought with him and makes some space for it on his desk.

He’s learning to play a Final Fantasy VII theme at the moment. It’s difficult, learning to play by ear, but he thinks learning to read sheet music would be worse, so he sits in his room, playing the same melody over and over again until he finds something that sounds reasonable.

There’s something lonely about this, sitting in his room playing piano. It's always been a very solitary activity for him. Lessons were a nightmare, and he always felt like a little bit of an idiot for enjoying it. It felt like just another thing the boys at school would throw back in his face if they knew about it, so he decided to just never tell anyone he could play.

He’s still a little closed off to the idea of telling anyone about this particular hobby. Everything is still a little scary, and he still expects people to mock him for every breath he takes. So he lets himself enjoy what he can in his room alone. Loneliness hurts a little, but at least there's nothing else here to hurt him right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me @panlesters on tumblr


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this is the penultimate chapter before i reach the end of my backlog of chapters so after next week it might be a while before i get another one out. i am back home from uni now but i still have a fuck tonne of work to do before i can really stop and think about this, but if we're all stuck in quarantine maybe ill get back in the flow of writing.  
> anyways, enjoy!

Phil and PJ planned to take the bus back up to Manchester, but Kath is having none of it. She’d made Phil stop by and pick up some frozen meals to take back up with him, and he ended up in the front seat of her car with PJ in the back, with some more frozen meals that Kath decided he should get too. Phil’s grateful for all this mothering, even after only a week of having to completely take care of himself, and he’s missed her cooking. She pops the bag in his lap as she climbs in the car. He has a quick scour through to find lasagne, chilli, and some other things that Kath hasn’t labelled.

The journey back to uni is quiet, just like the way home was. PJ puts his headphones on pretty soon into the drive when it becomes obvious that there’s not much conversation happening. Phil wants to talk, but he feels like there’s tension in the air. The confession from the night before sits heavy in his chest. He’d planned on talking to PJ about it on the bus journey home, but he supposes he’d better not. That’s definitely not a ladder rung he’s ready for yet.

When they get back to their halls, Kath insists on helping them back up to their flat with their bags. They find Jimmy and Dan in the kitchen, listening to a Muse song Phil can’t recognise over all the yelling. He shoves the door open and they both jump in surprise, quickly turning down the music and each offering Phil a sheepish smile. Phil allows himself a couple of seconds to think about how he’s sort of missed Dan’s face, and then he has to move on. Appreciating is okay. Crushing is a little too much.

“Don’t stop on our account, lads,” PJ says as he walks in behind Phil. “I hope there’s space in the freezer for all this.”

“What did you get?” Dan is immediately snooping into one of their bags, and Phil swats his hand away.

“Mum’s home cooking,” he says proudly, turning and grinning at his mum behind them.

“Don’t let Phil keep it all to himself,” Kath says, “You boys can all have some.”

Phil opens his mouth in mock disdain. “Do I not get a say in all this?”

“Did you cook the meals?” Kath replies. Phil huffs out a sigh.

“I wish my nan would send me some of her meals,” Dan grumbles as he helps them unpack the boxes into the freezer. “I don’t remember the last time I had something that wasn’t pasta or a microwave meal.”

“How far away is home for you, Dan?” Kath asks.

“Reading.”

“Oh, that’s a long way!” Kath gives Dan a quiet thank you as they manage to fit the last of the meals into the freezer. “Next time Phil comes home, maybe he can bring you back with him. We can get some proper food into you.”

Phil can feel his face starting to turn red. Of course his mum doesn’t understand that she’s just invited his not-crush over for dinner, but he still wants to curl into a ball in shame. He gives Dan an apologetic smile, but Dan is having none of it.

“I’d love to,” he says. “I’ll make sure we book the tickets tonight.” He smiles charmingly at Kath before giving Phil what looks like an attempt at a shit-eating grin, but it comes out looking a little shy. It’s endearing, and Phil lets himself feel that for a second.

Kath gives Dan a warm smile then, one Phil knows from experience is saved for people she genuinely likes. There’s something warm that shifts in his chest to think that his mum likes Dan. He pushes away any thoughts about why that might be. He’s a friend. Phil wants his mum to like his friends.

Phil is surprised at how easily they’ve all fallen together as friends in this flat. They sit round their table that night each eating one of Kath’s meals out of their Tupperware tubs. Phil’s not really sure what he was expecting when he got here, but he definitely imagined being the one who hung back in the shadows while PJ made all the friends. He didn’t expect his mum to have decided she was feeding the entire flat before classes have even started. It makes his heart happy to think that he really has a place here already. It settles his stomach and makes him feel more reassured about classes that will start soon. If he can be friends with Jimmy and Dan, he can make other friends too. And no matter what happens out there, he’s still got these people.

“Phil, I love your mum,” Dan speaks up out of the silence. He’s almost finished devouring a chilli con carne. “I can’t believe you got to live with this cooking all the time.”

“Kath is the best cook of all time and I can vouch for it,” PJ replies. He has what turned out to be a carbonara, and he’s finishing off the tub as best as he can.

“You shouldn’t erase your parents’ cooking skills like that,” Phil gives him a pointed look. PJ shrugs.

“Italian gets boring after a while, you know,” he says. Phil decides not to comment on the Italian dish he’s just wolfed down.

“I hope your mum was serious about you bringing me home with you,” Dan says. “I could get used to meals like this every night.”

“Oh, she was completely serious,” Phil grins shyly. “My mum’s a feeder, she always has been. She’ll tell you you’re skin and bone and not let you leave without eating a ridiculous amount of sugar.”

“Explains why Phil is the way he is,” PJ laughs.

When the meals are eaten and everything is washed up, the boys migrate back to their rooms and prop their doors open. It’s nice, Phil thinks, to be living around friends and be able to all do their own individual things, while still hanging out. They’re all quiet, on their phones or laptops, when Dan breaks the silence.

“Shit!”

Three heads poke out their respective doors.

“You okay, mate?” Jimmy asks.

“I was supposed to get a textbook out from the library for my first lecture tomorrow and I just completely forgot about it,” Dan whines. Phil checks his phone. It’s nearly nine p.m.

“It’s not too late, I’m sure some of the libraries will be open.”

“Any chance I can drag one of you out with me?” Dan asks, jutting his bottom lip out a little.

“I’m in my jim-jams,” Jimmy says. “Too late for me.”

“Yeah, I’m not gonna do that, Dan, sorry.” PJ gives Dan a sympathetic smile.

“I’ll come with you,” Phil says quietly. He immediately feels PJ’s eyes burning into him, and he wants to roll his eyes.

“Really?” Dan’s face lights up.

“Sure, why not?” Phil is already pulling some shoes on. When he’s back out the door he’s got a jacket and he’s ready to go, and Dan is smiling warmly at him. “Come on then,” he says to Dan. “Let’s get this over with, and then we can be done for the night.”

They’ve only been walking for about five minutes when the first raindrops start to fall. Phil thinks he’s imagining it to start with, but the rain turns on quickly and soon they’re running for shelter while the heavens open.

“It’ll pass,” Phil shrugs. “These showers are always super quick, you know?”

Dan nods, hugging his arms round his body. It’s cold, and he’s only wearing a hoodie over his shirt. Phil feels the urge to wrap his arms around Dan’s small frame and warm him up, but he feels like now is maybe not the best time for that.

After ten minutes of standing under a bus shelter, they decide that maybe the rain isn’t really going to slow down after all.

“Do you want to call it?” Phil asks. “Head back and wait till tomorrow to get the book?”

Dan looks at Phil like he’s going to agree with him, but it’s followed by a sigh.

“I’m supposed to have read a couple of chapters of it already,” he says quietly. “At least if I have it I can pretend, right?”

Phil nods understandingly, and they share a look before they’re heading back out into the pouring rain. They’re soaked through in minutes but they manage to catch a free bus as it pulls into a bus stop they’re passing. They pile on, huffing and laughing lightly. Dan frowns as water drips down his hair and on to his face. It’s starting to curl and he looks less than impressed about it.

“A wet hoodie I can cope with,” he grumbles. “I didn’t sign up to having my hobbit hair exposed in public.”

Phil raises his eyebrows. He thinks for a second about how Dan’s face is cute wet and scrunched up like that, but he manages to push it away. No crush, he reminds himself. That’s too much.

“Maybe it’s karma,” he says instead, “For not getting your book in time.”

“Yeah, seems about right,” Dan shrugs. “The world’s always out to get me one way or another.”

He says it so casually that Phil almost doesn’t notice it, but it catches him off guard a second later and makes him feel a little sad. He barely knows Dan, in the grand scheme of things, but he already feels like the guy’s been dealt a particularly nasty hand. It reminds him, though, that he’s made Dan feel safe enough to talk about some of his shit this past week. It’s been nice, to be there for him. Dan deserves to have someone to talk to, and it settles Phil a little that he’s able to help.

“Phil?”

He realises he’s been zoned out a little while, and looks up at Dan with a smile. He’s shivering, but Phil can tell he’s trying his best to hide it.

“I hope you know you’re still my tour guide,” he grins. “I’m counting on you to know where we’re getting off.”

“Shit,” Phil says. He can tell just from looking out the window that they’ve missed their stop, so they jump out at the next one and walk back to the library. The rain doesn’t let up and by the end of it they’re both drenched, and they still have to walk back.

“Thanks, Phil,” Dan says between shivers. They’re walking out of a corner shop with just a carrier bag after Dan decided he’d better get something waterproof to stop him from ruining the textbook. “You really didn’t have to come out in the rain with me.”

“Any time,” Phil replies with a smile. “You’re pretty cool, Dan. I like hanging out with you.”

Dan’s face lights up from his grumpy, hobbit hair-induced frown.

“Me too.” It’s soft and quiet, but it warms Phil’s heart. That’s allowed. Maybe he’s going to have to set himself rules so he doesn’t fall for Dan. It really is too much for him where he’s at. But enjoying Dan’s company, and feeling warm at the reciprocation, those are things that are okay.

The rain settles down as they walk back and Phil is glad for it. The air is cold, though, and he can practically feel Dan shivering next to him. Phil wishes they’d stopped and waited for a bus but Dan had insisted they keep walking. He didn’t want to stand still in the cold and Phil supposes he can understand that.

By the time they reach the flat again Dan is sneezing into his elbow, and Phil basically has to shove him into the shower.

“If you get ill, it’s your own stupid fault,” he reprimands, “Get warm and I’ll make you some tea for when you’re done.”

He hears a muffled “thank you” from behind the bathroom door and stops in his room to change into some pyjamas and a hoodie. He’s never wished he had slippers so much in his life, but he settles for a fresh change of socks instead. It’s better than nothing.

He thinks he’s going to have an easy, quiet time making some tea, what with it being nearly 11p.m., but when he walks into the kitchen, PJ is waiting for him, arms folded, giving him a very pointed, knowing look. He huffs a sigh. Nothing can ever be that easy, he supposes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! as always comments are appreciated, come scream at me @ panlesters on tumblr  
> stay safe you guys, wash your hands, dont go outside unless you have to, all that jazz <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this might be the last chapter i post for a while. between uni work and lack of motivation, ive not managed to write anything new for this fic. but hopefully as i work through my shit i'll have more time soon to go back through the fic and get some more stuff written. big thank you to everyone who's supported me so far, it means the world! hopefully it won't be too long before the next instalment <3  
> enjoy!

He doesn’t really want to have to deal with this, but he’s walked right into it and he knows PJ won’t settle for him walking straight back out again.

“Have a good time, then?” he asks. Getting straight to the point, of course. Phil sighs.

“We went to the library, Peej, not a party.” He manages to work around PJ, getting the kettle on and pulling out a mug from his and Dan’s cupboard. “You want a cuppa?”

“Please.” PJ pulls out his own mug. “But don’t change the subject.”

Phil looks up at PJ with a frown.

“I didn’t realise there was one.”

PJ raises an eyebrow and huffs a laugh.

“You’re shit at lying,” he tells Phil. “C’mon, give me something, what happened?”

“We went out, it rained, we got wet, we got the book, we came home,” Phil tells him in a monotone voice. “Happy?”

“I don’t know, are you?”

“I will be,” Phil says, pouring the hot water. “When you stop sticking your nose into things that aren’t there.”

PJ laughs again. “Why are you avoiding this?”

It annoys Phil, the way PJ thinks he’s predictable, the way PJ thinks he knows what Phil acts like when he has a crush. Phil’s never had a crush. _He_ doesn’t even know what he’s like around someone he likes.

“There’s nothing to avoid,” Phil says quietly.

“You were pretty quick to offer to go out with Dan tonight,” PJ muses.

“Well you and Jimmy were pretty quick to turn him down,” Phil counters.

“He’s a big boy, Phil,” PJ says slowly. “He could’ve gone on his own.”

“You know as well as I do that Manchester in the dark can be a dodgy place,” Phil says. “Plus, I know my way around and he doesn’t.”

“You really have all your excuses prepared, huh?” PJ smirks.

“Yep.” Phil gives him a clipped smile as he takes a sip from his tea. PJ rolls his eyes and picks up his own mug, heading over and settling at the breakfast bar. “I wish you’d just admit that you like him,” he says after a few moments of silence. “You know it’s okay, right?”

“For fuck’s sake, Peej, there’s nothing there to admit.” He’s starting to get annoyed now, and he’s trying his best to play it off with a little laugh in his voice and a roll of his eyes. He hates arguments but he's reaching the end of his tether and he knows there’s only so much of this he can take before he has to leave PJ and sit in his room in the quiet. “I made a friend. That’s all.”

PJ sighs. “Fine, whatever.” He takes another sip of tea. Phil feels like there’s tension between them now, and he hates it. He hates that he feels like he just had an argument with his best friend.

“I told Chris last night,” he says quietly.

“About… Dan?” PJ frowns.

“I came out to him.” His voice stays low, like saying it louder will give it power. PJ puts his mug down and stands up, his face folding into an expression of surprise.

“Shit, Phil,” he says as he makes his way over. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was gonna,” he shrugs. “And then mum drove us back and I couldn’t exactly say it in front of her.”

“How did he take it?”

“Well, he’s glad he doesn’t have to worry about me getting a girlfriend and forgetting about him anymore,” Phil smiles and PJ chuckles with a roll of his eyes. He takes the mug from Phil’s hand and sets it down, before pulling him into a hug.

“I’m so proud of you, Phil,” he says quietly. Phil returns the hug, pressing his chin into PJ’s shoulder. He’s a little annoyed at himself for using the information to defuse the little spat they had, but he pushes that aside. He’s glad he told PJ.

They’re still stood in a hug when Dan comes into the kitchen. Phil pulls away from PJ pretty quickly and hands Dan his mug. He suddenly feels awkward, like Dan interrupted something he shouldn’t have.

“Feeling better?” he asks quietly.

Dan takes a sip of tea and nods. “I think the shower might’ve just saved me,” he says, coughing a little.

“Well, lads,” PJ says, downing the rest of his tea and putting his mug in the sink, “I’m gonna head to bed. G’night.”

“Night,” Dan and Phil both murmur, watching him leave. Dan takes a deep breath and turns to Phil.

“I didn’t, uh… interrupt anything, did I?”

“Oh! No, no, don’t worry,” Phil says quickly with a smile. “Just, uh. Some stuff happened over the weekend. Good stuff. But, uh, it was kinda big. Peej is just looking out for me.”

“I’m glad you have him,” Dan says softly. Phil thinks he can hear something like sadness in Dan's voice, but he doesn't push it. 

They sit quietly sipping their tea for another few minutes quietly before their drinks are finished. It’s getting late, so they mutter some good nights and both head to bed.

Phil lays awake staring at the ceiling for a while. He’s got a lot to think about. PJ’s really put the idea in his head that he has a noticeable crush on Dan, but he’s trying his best to push that away, put it on the back burner until he feels ready to address it. He really doesn’t feel like it's something he can cope with right now. Especially not when he hasn't told his parents. He can’t help but think about Martyn, and how easy it was for him to bring his girlfriend home for the first time at Christmas. It makes his stomach churn a bit to think that it might never be so easy for him. It’s never going to be a nice girl that he brings home.

Martyn was talking about Cornelia almost as soon as they were together. Phil and his parents didn’t stop hearing about her until the day she came home with him. It makes Phil’s heart ache to think about how getting from A to B is going to be a much more winding road for him than it ever was for Martyn. He wants to have what Martyn had. He wants to be able to ring his mum and tell him about the cute place he took his boyfriend, about how nice he is and how excited he is for them to meet him. Coming out is a big deal though, too big to think about. It seems wrong to want to hold off from relationships until he’s out, but he doesn’t want there to be any pretences between himself and his parents.

He huffs a sigh. Of course all this shit doesn’t rear its ugly head until the middle of the night. He wants to get up and venture into the kitchen, but something tells him he won’t find Jimmy ready for a gentle chat and a hot chocolate this time.

In the end, he decides that he can’t stay lying down when his mind is running at a thousand miles an hour. He’s convinced himself he’s going to go for a walk, even though he’s terrified. Maybe he can let himself be scared about something else for a bit. He’s pulled some shoes on and is stepping out his door quietly when he hears a noise coming from Dan’s room. He’s sure he imagined it at first, but the more he listens, the more he’s sure. It sounds like Dan is pacing round his room, and when Phil listens closer he can hear some muttering going on as well. He can’t make out what’s being said, but he makes a decision in that moment that he definitely would rather be in Dan’s company than on his own.

He doesn’t think before he raises his fist and knocks on Dan’s door. He hears a quiet gasp from behind the door before it opens to reveal a very sheepish looking Dan.

“Phil? God, did I wake you up? I’m so sor-”

“No!” Phil whispers back. “No, I couldn’t sleep, and then it sounded like you were awake, and I just thought…”

Dan looks up at him under dark lashes. Phil has to look away for a second because it really is too pretty.

“What?”

“I thought maybe if you wanted we could just be awake together.”

Dan offers Phil a gentle smile then, and offers him to come in. Phil shakes his head with a smile, and tells Dan of his plan to go for a walk. It takes a few minutes for Dan to pull some shoes on and then they’re quietly heading out into the cold night air.

They head towards the twenty-four hour Tesco round the corner and end up finding a box of brownie mix and some more hot chocolate powder. Phil’s gone through a lot of it this last week, and if they’re going to settle in the kitchen for the night Phil thinks they’ll need it.

“Do you wanna watch something?” Dan asks as they walk back to their accommodation. “I don’t know about you, but I’m really not tired.”

“Me neither,” Phil sighs. “Have you ever watched Buffy?”

They push out the stools and set up camp under the breakfast bar, bringing out both their duvets and all their pillows. Dan has a couple of extra blankets to pull out as well, and they build a nest with warm brownies and hot chocolate. They burrito themselves in the duvets and sit on piles of pillows and have a blanket each to top it off, and huddle up together as the first episode of Buffy begins on Phil’s laptop. He’s proud of his past self for bringing the DVD box set to Manchester with him, now that he gets to share it with someone who is fast becoming a close friend.

They get through three episodes before they start to get tired and migrate back to their rooms. Phil tells himself he’s glad for it; the last thing he needs is another run-in with PJ. He enjoyed the time they spent together, though. It was a gentle night, Dan asking questions every now and then and letting Phil gush a lot about Sarah Michelle Gellar and how much he loves her. PJ never really understood Buffy, and they had other things to bond over, like Pokemon and their weird joint strain of creativity, but Buffy is something that’s been close to Phil’s heart for a long time. It’s nice to have someone he feels like he could finally share his favourite show with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! as always comments are appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an update? i guess so! turns out procrastinating from uni work is one hell of a motivator ,, hopefully if all goes well i'll be able to keep writing and updating on my normal schedule, so here's a new chapter! enjoy!

Phil’s not completely sure why he expects it to be awkward the next day. It almost feels like his friendship with Dan shifted a little last night. Every now and then he could’ve sworn he’d seen Dan sneaking glances at him from the corner of his eye. Maybe Dan had moved a little closer to him as the night went on, too. He can’t quite work out what actually happened and what he imagined happening as he grew more tired. And he’s definitely not ready to address why he was imagining things happening.

The attention from Dan hadn’t been unwelcome, though. It was nice. Gentle. It made him feel a little safer, a little more comfortable. But he doesn’t expect the easiness to carry over to the morning, when they’re no longer sleep deprived and running on a horrific amount of sugar.

But when he sees Dan in the morning he gets a warm smile and an offer for a coffee. Nothing’s changed. Phil can’t work out how he feels about that.

“You wanna watch more Buffy tonight?” Dan asks as he busies himself making them each a drink.

“Sure,” Phil smiles. “Maybe not in here though. The floor got a little uncomfortable.” He’s really thinking about what would happens if they were to fall asleep under there and PJ found them curled up together the next morning. That’d be one step too far on things he’s able to deal with.

“We can fit on your bed, probably,” Dan says. Phil nods absentmindedly. He takes his mug of coffee and fits his hands around it. It almost burns, but he enjoys the warmth. It matches what he can feel in his chest right now. It’s nice to have a new friend, he thinks. He’s not made a new friend in such a long time. Is this what he felt when he and PJ started becoming friends? It was such a long time ago he can barely remember it.

“Morning, lads.” The kitchen door opens and Jimmy walks in. He gives them both a crooked smile and pops the kettle back on to boil. “I’ve made some plans for Tom to come over tonight, I hope that’s okay?”

“Yeah,” Dan smiles. “I’d love to meet him.”

“Me too,” says Phil. He doesn’t know much about Tom, but from the connection he’s already built with Jimmy, he feels like he’s going to like him.

Tom arrives just after lunch, and just watching him and Jimmy walk into the kitchen together makes Phil understand. He’s never seen Jimmy look quite so at ease. He’s comfortable, relaxed. One hand is always occupied, intertwined with Tom’s as they make themselves some drinks. It makes Phil’s chest ache in a way he can’t quite place, to watch them together. He feels like he's watching the life he’s always wanted. Someone there, who could fit themself perfectly in next to him, who could understand him the way no one else ever could.

He has to leave after a little while, when the feeling gets a little overwhelming. The strong ache in his chest to just have what they have has become a little painful.

He hears a knock on his door after a little while.

“Come in,” he says softly.

It’s PJ who sticks his head round the door.

“Hey.” Just hearing PJ’s voice makes him feel a little better. Maybe it’s not the feeling he’s found himself craving, but the gentle familiarity of his best friend warms him up a little.

“Hey,” Phil says back. PJ moves across the room to sit cross-legged opposite Phil on his bed.

“Jimmy said you didn’t look so good when you left the kitchen,” PJ starts. “I came to check up on you.”

“It’s just…” Phil sighs. He’s not very good at talking about his feelings at the best of times, but he can try his best for PJ. “Watching them, together. It just reminds me of what I don’t have.”

PJ’s eyebrows raise a little, and Phil can practically hear what he’s thinking.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he grumbles. “I guess I never really thought what it might be like to have someone like that. A boyfriend.”

“I get that,” PJ says softly. “It’d be nice to have a girlfriend, too.” Phil sighs.

“They look so good together,” he whispers. “I can’t… I can’t imagine feeling like that with anyone.” He takes another breath, shakier this time. He knows he’s starting to dig into insecurities he’s never talked about with PJ, or anyone. “I can’t imagine anyone feeling like that with me.”

“I can think of someone who could feel like that with you,” PJ says. Phil can tell he’s trying to hide a smirk.

“Fuck off,” he says. He feels bitter all of a sudden. It’d be nice to be able to just talk about things with his best friend without Dan always coming up in conversation. “You don’t know anything about him.”

“Damn, you’re right,” PJ says sarcastically. “It’s not like I live with him or anything.”

“Can you please stop?” Phil breathes. He can feel himself reaching the end of his tether, and he really doesn’t want to have another argument with PJ. “It’s too much,” he says quietly.

PJ nods.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just… I see the way you are around him. I’ve never seen you like it with anyone. You might not recognise that anything is different, but I’ve known you a long time, Phil. It seems different.”

“I can’t… let myself,” he admits. “Dan’s cute, you know? I feel like I could see myself one day liking him.”

“Then what, Phil?” PJ’s voice is gentle, like he’s trying to be understanding.

“I’m not even out to my parents yet,” Phil says quietly. “It’s too soon to let myself have a crush on someone. That’s scary as fuck.”

"You don't have to stop yourself feeling things because you're not out to them, Phil." 

Phil sighs. He didn't expect PJ to get it, he supposes. 

"I just..." he sighs. "I tell them everything, you know? This is the one thing that they don't know about. And it's hard enough to not talk to them about it." He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. "I wanna be able to tell them," he whispers. "I don't wanna keep another secret from them."

He looks up to meet PJ's eyes, and he feels like he's being looked at a different way than before. 

“I get it,” PJ says quietly. “And I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you. I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay,” Phil says. He feels bitter, and it doesn’t really feel okay, so he thinks it's fair. But he also thinks it will be okay soon, and that’s enough.

They don’t see much more of Tom and Jimmy for the rest of the day, and Phil finds that he misses Jimmy a bit, even though he’s figured out it helps the ache in his chest not to see them. It still feels fresh, these new feelings of missing something he’s never had. He needs to process it. He doesn’t really feel like sitting in his room alone stewing over it is going to help, though. He’s thinking about how unhelpful that is when he hears another knock.

“Yeah?”

This time it’s Dan sticking his head through the door.

“I’ve done a fuck tonne of reading,” Dan says, “And I never want to see a textbook ever again. Do you wanna watch Buffy? Because I am fed up of this shit.”

Phil grins.

“Always.”

They balance Phil’s laptop on his chair and settle down. It’s only halfway through an episode when Dan’s head starts to fall on to Phil’s shoulder.

“Is this okay?” Dan murmurs. Phil feels a tiny shiver down his spine, a feeling of fondness for Dan asking permission for something as innocent as this. Phil hasn't ever really been one for physical affection, but his whole body feels better for it.

“Yeah,” he whispers. He gently leans his head so that he’s resting on Dan’s, and tries not to think too much into that simple action.

“Is _this_ okay?”

“Yeah.” He can hear the smile in Dan’s voice, and it makes his stomach do a little flip. He wants to stop it, and control the way he’s starting to feel, but it’s actually kind of a good feeling. Even though he’s trying to hold back from this step, it’s nice to feel something for someone.

He sits quietly for a little while, focusing as much as he can on Buffy, rather than on the boy next to him. If he doesn’t think too much about it, maybe he can ignore the way that Dan has slotted into his side like he belongs there. He can ignore the way Dan’s hair is making his nose tickle a little, and maybe he can even pretend it's not because he's distracted by how nice Dan smells.

It’s not working. And it’s starting to be a little too much again. He’s had enough overwhelming emotions for one day, so he slowly lifts his head up from Dan’s. He can feel Dan shifting against him too, turning his head to look up at Phil.

“You okay?” his voice is so soft, so gentle, it makes Phil’s chest hurt a little.

“Yeah, uh.” Phil’s hand reaches up to rub at the back of his neck. “Starting to hurt my neck a little.” Dan nods, and settles his head back down on Phil’s shoulder. It’s okay to let him stay there, Phil decides. He can let Dan have that. He’s just not sure that he can let himself have it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u know what it's gone midnight so im updating the chapter  
> this week has dragged so so much i think im clawing at the walls and i wanted to upload this the whole time but we're here now soo  
> ive done a fair bit of writing this week so hopefully regular uploads will still carry on as normal! it's nice to be excited abt this fic again  
> anyways enjoy!

Dan ends up staying in Phil’s room until the early hours of the morning, until they finally decide they can’t really ignore the incessant yawning any longer. It’s around 3am, and Phil is completely drained, but he can’t pretend he doesn’t miss Dan’s comforting presence as soon as it’s gone. The room feels a little colder, and he can feel the negative thoughts about relationships and coming out slowly seeping their way back into his head. He digs out some earphones, puts on some gentle music, and turns it up loud enough to drown out his mind.

When Phil finally emerges from his room, it’s about noon, and Jimmy and Tom are in the kitchen. Jimmy is stood over the stove, cooking something that smells like pasta sauce, while Tom sits on a breakfast bar stool, scrolling through something on his phone. Phil can feel the comfortable silence as soon as he enters, and it’s quickly replaced by the heaviness that comes and sits on his chest.

“Phil!” Jimmy grins as he looks up. “You look a bit better today.”

“What?” Phil says, still half asleep and not really sure where Jimmy got wind of his feelings from yesterday.

“You didn’t look so good yesterday,” Jimmy says. “I, uh, asked Peej to check on you?”

“Oh!” Phil nods gently as he pulls a mug out of his cupboard. “Yeah, I, uh, I’m feeling a bit better today, thanks.”

He sees the slight frown on Jimmy’s face and he knows that what he said was too robotic to be believed. The truth is that he _was_ doing better than yesterday, until he was met with Jimmy and Tom in the kitchen. Nothing’s even happening and he feels like he’s third-wheeling, like he’s interrupted something private. Mostly, he just finds himself wishing again that he could have something like this; comfortable silence, the knowledge that both of you are content in each other’s presence without having to show it in any way.

Phil doesn’t miss the look Jimmy gives Tom, a look that Phil can’t quite interpret but he feels like means _I’ll talk to him about this later_. As terrible as he is at talking about his feelings, Phil really feels like Jimmy is the person he could maybe open up to about this. He’s like Martyn, Phil thinks, just more approachable, more open. There’s an air about him that makes Phil feel comfortable, accepted. There’s no judgement between them.

He makes his excuses pretty quickly and heads out the kitchen with a fresh mug of coffee. He has a lecture in a couple of hours, so he downs the coffee and has a quick shower. He’ll grab something to eat on campus, he decides, and settles down to do a little reading before his class starts.

Phil’s lecture goes fairly easily. It’s just an introduction really, but he ends up having a little chat with the guy who sits next to him. His name is Josh, and his hair isn’t unlike Phil’s. They exchange compliments, Phil saying that he wishes he could get the messy style that Josh has achieved, and Josh telling Phil he’s jealous of his hair being black.

“My mum never let me dye my hair,” Josh huffs, rolling his eyes a little.

“Well, you’re at uni now,” Phil shrugs. “Who cares what your mum wants, right?”

“Right,” Josh says, a smile on his face. Phil’s proud of himself for having made a friend so quickly, and he thinks it’ll be nice to know people outside of the flat.

When he gets back to the flat, he thinks it might be empty. He knows PJ had a two hour lecture when Phil’s was only an hour, and their front door is locked. No one ever really does that when there’s people in the flat.

He’s in the kitchen making another coffee when the door opens. He looks up to see Jimmy, smiling gently.

“Hey,” he says. It’s soft, but it sounds like they’re about to have a heart-to-heart. Phil hasn't really had time to prepare for that, and normally it would scare him, but the smile Jimmy gives him makes him feel at ease, like he might be able to tell him just about anything and not feel weird or judged. 

“Hey,” Phil says back. “Coffee?”

“Please.”

There’s an awkward silence for a few seconds before Jimmy speaks up again.

“So, uh.” He’s rocking back on his heels, hands in his hoodie pockets, like he’s not really sure what to say. “You seemed kinda… weird around me and Tom.”

Phil sighs. Feeling at ease enough to have this conversation is one thing, but actually talking about his feelings is the difficult part.

“Sorry,” he says quietly. “Tom seems really nice, I just…”

“It’s okay,” Jimmy says, laying a hand on Phil’s shoulder. “You don’t have to talk about if you don’t want to."

“I just want that so bad, you know?” Phil makes his way over to the breakfast bar with his mug of coffee and Jimmy follows. “I guess I didn’t realise how much I want that until I saw you and Tom together.”

Jimmy nods, and Phil feels heard.

“I get it, you know?” he places his mug down and turns to face Phil properly. “I didn’t come out to anyone while I was in school. And all my friends had girlfriends.” He sighs. “And I had to watch all these great relationships begin and grow, and know that I couldn’t have that so long as I hung around those people.”

Phil nods.

“It hurts a lot,” Jimmy says. “But is it cheesy if I tell you it’s worth the wait?”

“Not cheesy,” Phil shrugs. “Just… doesn’t really help.” He feels awful saying it, but he thinks he’d rather be honest with Jimmy. All he gets is a gentle, knowing smile.

“Yeah, I know,” Jimmy says. “I don’t think there’s much I can say that will help. Sometimes you just get swept up feeling like being in a relationship is the best thing in the world and it’s the one great thing everyone has except you.” Phil nods. “But it’s not the only thing, right?”

Phil nods again. He thinks back to last night, and how seeing PJ had really helped him feel a whole lot better. He tries not to think about Dan too much, and definitely tries not to think about why that is.

He ends up inviting Dan in to watch some more Buffy that night. They get through an episode and a half before Phil’s phone is ringing and they have to pause it. It’s his mum.

“Hi mum,” he says as he answers, giving Dan an apologetic look .

“Child,” she begins. “I was just ringing to find out when you’ll next be home.”

“Well, I don’t know, mum, I’ve not really thought about it.”

“Well, I’ve done some cooking and put some things away in the freezer for you,” she carries on, “and you can come and pick them up, maybe stay over for the weekend.”

“Uh, well mum-”

“And you’re bringing your friend home this time, aren’t you?” she asks. Phil throws a look Dan’s way and receives a grin. Clearly Dan can hear this whole conversation.

“Dan?”

“Yes, Phil,” she says. “He needs some meat on those bones, and he seems like such a lovely boy.”

“Okay mum, I’ll ask him,” he rolls his eyes, and she chastises him over the phone as if she can hear it in his voice.

“I’m down,” Dan says before Phil has a chance to ask, loud enough for Kath to hear it down the phone. Phil huffs a little laugh.

“Well that’s perfect then!” Kath says. Phil almost feels like he’s being set up, but he thinks it might not be so bad to take Dan back to where he grew up. It just feels a little… too much.

When he gets off the phone, Dan is grinning like a cat that got the cream, and Phil rolls his eyes again.

“Can’t wait to go to yours and get fed a fuck tonne of food by your mother,” he says with a laugh.

“You better stop your swearing,” Phil tells him with a mock-stern voice. “She’ll clip you round the ear for it.”

“Ooh, terrifying,” Dan says, raising his eyebrows mockingly. Phil gives him a little shove and presses play on Buffy again. They get through another couple of episodes before they’re nearly falling asleep. It’s earlier than the night before, and Phil can’t quite get to sleep again tonight.

There’s a lot to think about. He’s really starting to develop a fondness for Dan that isn’t going away, and it’s still very scary. He doesn’t really think he can talk to anyone about it properly. PJ will just be, well, _him_ , and he doesn’t want to put this on Jimmy. Maybe he could talk to Chris about it, but then he thinks it won’t take long to circle back round and bite him on the ass. Not that Chris shares all their secrets, but if Chris decides he can get a bit more grip on the situation from PJ, Phil knows he’s not above having a bit of a dig.

So he lies awake, staring at the ceiling, trying not to think about how this and everything are all a bit too much for him right now. He’s doing this a lot, lying awake and trying to ignore his mind. Maybe he should really try and join a society, get out and do some exercise or something. Maybe he should try counselling.

Right now he really thinks what he needs is some sleep. So he finds some more soft sounds, rolls over, and closes his eyes, hoping that sleep will come. It doesn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, i hope you're all keeping safe! come scream at me @ panlesters on tumblr


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay soo this isn't my normal update day lmao. basically this past week i've written a LOT and i'm just really desperate to get it all out, so im updating my upload schedule to twice a week for the foreseeable future,, so now it's gonna be wednesdays and saturdays for new chapters  
> enjoy!

He can joke all he likes, Dan knows. He can raise his eyebrows and pretend that food is his top priority, but he knows he’s just trying to hide how terrified he is of this. Sure, he’s had to impress parents before. His high school girlfriend’s parents were easy to impress, though, and he didn’t really have a vested interest in that past survival through the last few years of school. But he _likes_ Phil, and as scary as that is, he wants to make an effort to be liked back. And he knows that involves getting Phil’s parents on his side.

Dan huffs as he flops down on to his bed. He’s too tired to be able to really think this through right now. And he doesn’t really want to think it through at all. He’s known for a long time that he’s not straight. But he’s never told anyone else that before, and he’s far from accepting it about himself. This is scary, and it’s forcing him to acknowledge that part of him he really thought he could ignore.

He should really talk to someone about this. It’s easier said than done, though. Not only does he not really have anyone to talk to, but talking about this means telling someone he’s gay. He’s never even said it out loud. But he knows that if he bottles this up, he’ll just end up stewing over it and upsetting himself. Like what he’s on the road to doing right now. He might even end up accidentally distancing himself from Phil, and he really doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to mess up what they have right now. It’s a perfect little bubble he’s slotted himself into, and even if he can feel a crush rearing its head, he knows that the friendship they’re building together is already more than he could’ve ever even imagined having before. He wants to keep hold of this for as long as he can.

When sleep doesn’t come easy, Dan knows why. He’s never been very good at ignoring his thoughts when they spiral like this. He leans across to turn on his light, and stands up to pace around the room while he thinks.

He could talk to PJ, he supposes. Except that he doesn’t really know PJ very well, and so that makes confiding in him pretty scary. And he also can’t be sure that telling PJ about his feelings won’t circle back to Phil and end with him feeling incredibly embarrassed. Of course, the other option is Jimmy. Jimmy, who Dan knows is gay and who might even understand the level of spiralling and confusion that Dan is currently experiencing. Jimmy, who has already declared himself Dan’s new big brother.

It’s comforting to think that he might actually have someone here to talk to about his shit. He knows if it were any other circumstance he’d be able to talk to Phil, and it makes him a little sad to think about keeping something from him. He feels like Phil is something like a best friend already, and he’s never really had one of those before.

Content with his pacing, Dan settles back down in bed and flicks his light off. Sleep still doesn’t come easy, but he does find himself relaxing into it eventually.

Dan’s surprised by how little sleep he gets that night. He’s awake by eight, and when he’s bored of lying in bed on his phone he decides to emerge and find some breakfast. Jimmy is already in the kitchen, and it gives Dan a little shot of anxiety. He doesn’t have any real intention of talking about this at such an ungodly hour, and especially not before he’s had some coffee and maybe a shower. He’d like to feel at least a little human.

He grunts a good morning to Jimmy anyway, and goes about making his coffee. If he does nothing out of the ordinary, maybe he can get in and out of the kitchen without alerting Jimmy to the mess in his head.

He’s about to pick up his mug of coffee when a finger pokes his side.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Jimmy asks, picking up his own bowl of cereal.

“Uh,” Dan says awkwardly. “They’re not worth that much.”

“I asked you how you are five times,” Jimmy deadpans. “There must be something going on in that head of yours.”

Dan sighs, and makes his way over to the breakfast bar, where Jimmy follows.

“Is it too early to spill my heart out to you?” he asks, desperately hoping that the answer is yes, it’s way too fucking early, can Jimmy get on with his day first, can Dan go back to the hypothetical fantasy of having someone to confide in without having to face the true ordeal.

“Never too early,” Jimmy replies instead, and Dan knows he’s backed himself into a corner of his own making. He sighs again, and looks down into his coffee.

“Well.” He stops. “It’s just that-” he stops again, and looks up at Jimmy sheepishly. He gets a patient look, so he takes a deep breath and starts again. “There’s this thing. That I’ve not told anyone.” He looks back up for a little reassurance, and takes one last heavy breath. “I’m gay.”

He feels like he’s been punched in the lung. Maybe he should’ve given himself more time to prepare, maybe given Jimmy more time to prepare. But now that he’s said it, it feels almost right. The weight has lifted a little, and he takes another deep breath, like he’s been deprived of oxygen this entire time.

“That seems like it was pretty hard for you,” Jimmy says gently. “But it’s okay. You do know that, right?”

“Yeah,” Dan says. “I do really, I just… I’m kind of scared of it.” He looks back down into his coffee and huffs a slightly bitter laugh. “And that’s not even really the problem.”

“Oh?” Jimmy raises his eyebrows.

“I’ve kind of… got a crush.”

“Ah.”

“On Phil.”

“Okay,” Jimmy says. He doesn’t sound surprised, and Dan can’t work out if he’s relieved that it was so easy to say or slightly annoyed that he’s been so obvious about it.

“I just…”

“Don’t know what to do?” Jimmy asks.

“I just don’t wanna bottle it up,” Dan shrugs. “I don’t know if I wanna do anything about it, you know? I’m nowhere near ready to deal with anything that could come from telling Phil. And anyway, I feel like I found a friend, and I’ve never really had a friend like Phil before. It feels special. And I know that’s stupid because we just met and we barely know each other really, but I don’t wanna lose him, and I don’t want him to hate me or-”

“Hey.” Jimmy puts a hand on his shoulder and he stops, looking up. “Calm down, yeah? Do you really think Phil would hate you?”

Dan shrugs.

“S’how everyone else has always been,” he says quietly. “I’ve not really got any reason to think any differently.”

“Dan,” Jimmy says softly, “C’mere.” He lifts an arm and Dan moves from his stool to slot himself in beside Jimmy and accept the bear hug. “You’re so lovely, you know? I don’t think Phil, or me, or PJ, or anyone else here could really hate you. It’s shit how other people have treated you in the past, but this is a fresh start, yeah?”

Dan nods silently.

“But there’s definitely nothing wrong with doing nothing,” Jimmy continues. “I’m always here if you ever want to rant about how shit things are, or how dreamy his eyes are. I’m open to everything.” He and Dan share a little laugh and Dan shoves him playfully, rolling his eyes. A blush dusts over his cheeks. “But maybe you should just take a step back and really look at Phil, yeah? I don’t think he’d ever hate you.”

“Okay,” Dan says softly.

Dan’s grateful when Jimmy stays with him in the kitchen once both their breakfasts are eaten. They spend a couple of hours being in each other’s comfortable company, and Dan thinks this is exactly what he really needed. A bit of time with someone who genuinely likes him and is willing to just be there while he sorts himself out. It feels a little bit like healing, and he feels a lot warmer inside than he did when he woke up that morning.

It’s around noon when PJ enters the kitchen looking for lunch. He doesn’t have much to say to Dan and Jimmy, instead just digging round in the freezer until he finds a frozen pizza. He shoves it in the oven and finds himself a seat at the breakfast bar.

It’s still comfortable silence between the three of them, some unspoken calmness blanketing the kitchen. Dan feels a little sad that Phil isn’t here too. He’s not seen him all morning. He’d drop Phil a text if he could. He’s once again left feeling more than a little disappointed that he and Phil still haven’t exchanged numbers.

He doesn’t have to wait long, though. It’s only a few more minutes before Phil is pushing the door open to the kitchen. Dan’s a little surprised to see the bags under his eyes and the hand over his mouth, stifling a yawn. He looks like he’s had a worse night’s sleep than Dan. The thought creeps into Dan’s head that maybe he was kept up by the same thing that Dan was, but he pushes that thought aside. He’s not about to let himself get his hopes up, especially not for a situation he knows he can’t deal with right now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	13. Chapter 13

Sleepless nights are becoming much less of a novelty for Phil at this point. He knows if he goes out into the kitchen for some hot chocolate, he won’t find Jimmy there, ready for a heart-to-heart about whatever is keeping him up. Instead, he gets a solid nine hours of tossing and turning and scrolling through Twitter, mourning the rest that hasn't come. By the time he decides it really is hopeless and he should get up, he feels like death itself.

He manages to pull himself in and out of the shower and make himself somewhat presentable. It’s impossible to ignore the bags under his eyes as he straightens his hair, and it’s even more obvious how tired he is from the amount of times he catches his fingers and ears, leaving more burns than he has since he started straightening his hair years ago.

When he finally emerges in search of food and some coffee strong enough to raise the dead, everyone else is up and making lunch. The oven is on in the kitchen, Jimmy is over the stove, and Dan is eating a sandwich. It’s not really what Phil wanted, to be in the kitchen with three other people when he can barely tolerate himself right now, but he’ll take it, he supposes.

“Morning, sleepy head,” PJ says as Phil walks into the kitchen. He offers PJ a tired smile and heaves himself on the stool next to him. “You look like shit.”

“Wow, I bet you say that to all the girls,” Phil says, deadpan. PJ huffs a laugh and nudges Phil with his elbow.

“Rough night?”

“I guess so.” Phil flops across to lean on PJ’s shoulder and closes his eyes.

“Don’t get too comfortable there,” PJ tells him as he settles himself into a more comfortable position. “I’ve got to get up and sort my pizza soon.”

“Ugh,” Phil mumbles. He’s not comfortable, but he doesn’t feel like he can very well carry his own weight, so he lets himself relax into PJ’s side. Every now and then he opens his eyes to survey his surroundings. Jimmy is still stood cooking with his back to them, but Dan is sat across the breakfast bar, watching Phil and PJ intently. Every time Phil opens his eyes, Dan is watching them, and his eyes dart away to look at his plate, or out the window. Phil doesn’t really think too much of it.

“Come on, you big baby,” PJ says after a few minutes. “You’re gonna hurt your neck if you stay leaning on me at that angle.”

“Don’t care,” is the muffled reply that Phil manages. He opens his eyes a couple of seconds later to see Dan looking down at his plate again, picking at his sandwich. He doesn’t look too happy with himself, and Phil frowns. He reaches a foot up to nudge at Dan’s leg. When Dan looks up, Phil offers him a big, toothy grin and scrunches his eyes closed. When he opens them again, Dan is smiling softly. “Wassup?” Phil asks.

“Nothing,” Dan says. Phil doesn’t think that’s the truth at all, but he’s too tired to carry a real conversation, so he pokes Dan in the leg again and gives him a gentler smile. He hopes it conveys the message he’s sending.

Eventually PJ really does have to get up for his pizza. Phil protests for a couple of seconds when PJ starts to move, but he knows it’s inevitable and lets himself be manhandled up, albeit grumpily.

“Go on, up you go, you big lump,” PJ says, heaving himself up. “Go lean on Dan instead, go on.”

Phil shoots PJ as annoyed a glance as he can under the circumstances, but he still goes easily. He’s not going to be picky about who he leans on. It turns out that physical contact is nicer than he first thought, and he feels himself craving it a bit more than he ever has before. He puts it down to being tired and to being a not very affectionate person, and leans across to flop on to Dan’s shoulder.

“Is this okay?” he asks softly, just like Dan had done the night before. He catches the smile on Dan’s face, and it warms him from the inside.

“Yeah,” Dan says.

Phil lets out a contented sigh and relaxes. He feels Dan’s head come down to rest on top of his, and he’s surprised by how nice it is.

“This okay?”

Phil smiles. He hopes this sticks, this reassurance that they’re both on the same page, that every little touch is wanted.

“Yeah,” he breathes. If this is the extent of their relationship, Phil thinks, he’s happy.

He hears some laughing that could be PJ or Jimmy, feels Dan shift a little like he’s looking round at them. He lets himself move with Dan, until his head is comfortably settled on top of Phil’s again.

“You look tired,” Phil says gently once Jimmy and PJ have struck up conversation again.

“You’re one to talk,” Dan says with a little laugh. Phil sticks out an elbow to poke into his side.

“How come?” Phil tries again.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Phil feels Dan’s shoulder lift in a shrug. “Oh, sorry,” he laughs awkwardly. “Couldn’t shut my mind up. What about you?”

“Same,” Phil says. “Wanna talk about it?”

“Maybe some other time,” Dan says, lifting a hand to gently pat Phil on the arm. “You wanna talk about yours?”

“Maybe some other time,” Phil repeats. He lifts his head for a second and they smile at each other. It feels nice, this connection they suddenly seem to have.

“Y’know,” Dan says, “I’m way too tired to actually do work today.”

“Buffy?” Phil says with a smile that Dan can’t see but hopefully he can hear.

“Buffy,” Dan confirms.

Phil fixes himself some lunch, and another mug of coffee for himself and Dan, and they set up camp in Phil’s room for the afternoon. They start playing their episode while Phil slowly picks at the food on his plate, and lets Dan steal a couple of crisps and a piece of ham from his wrap. Dan stays on his own side of the bed while Phil eats, but when he’s done and leant back, he gives Dan a look that he hopes conveys what he’s thinking.

Dan gets the message, and leans over to rest his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“This okay?”

Phil feels warmth blossom in his chest, and for once he doesn’t question it. He doesn’t tell himself it’s too soon. He just lets it happen. It feels nice in a way nothing has ever felt nice before.

“Yeah.”

“Phil!”

There’s a voice underneath him somewhere, hissing in a whisper like it’s urgent but they don’t really want him to wake up. If it’s not that important, he thinks in his still-asleep haze, why should he wake up?

“Phil!” this time the voice is accompanied by a poke in the side, and Phil groans in protest. “Wake up, you spoon, I’m stuck under you.”

Phil begrudgingly opens his eyes and lifts his head. Dan’s head follows his, rubbing his ears and frowning at him. He’s very obviously holding back a laugh, and Phil thinks it’s endearing. Maybe _that’s_ too much for right now, but he’s still half asleep, so he lets it pass.

“You bloody fell asleep on me, mate,” Dan says.

“Sorry,” Phil mumbles. “How long was I out?”

“Maybe half an hour?” Dan says. “I didn’t even notice at first, and then you started snoring. And I didn’t wanna wake you when you looked so cute and tired all day, and then I started to get a headache from your head so I had to wake you.”

Phil only really hears half of that, completely zoning in on Dan calling him cute.

“Phil?” Dan waves his hand in front of Phil’s face and he looks back up. “You’re not gonna fall asleep on me again, are you?”

Phil puts on the best smile he can manage, and laughs a little.

“You can have a little nap if you want, y’know,” Dan says. “I can leave, we can watch Buffy another time.”

“I could just nap right here instead,” Phil says. He’s not ready for Dan to leave yet, and he’s definitely the comfiest pillow Phil’s ever lent on.

“What about Buffy?”

“I’ve seen it all a million times,” Phil says. “Wake me when something interesting happens, yeah? You’re comfy, I don’t want you to leave.”

He hopes that matches Dan calling him cute. He’s never been very good at flirting, if that’s what you can all this. But he lets his head drop back down on to Dan’s shoulder.

“This okay?” he asks. He feels like it would be rude not to at this point, even though he knows what the answer will be.

“Yeah,” Dan answers. His own head drops on to Phil’s and they sit in comfort. Phil doesn’t really fall asleep again, just closes his eyes and listens to the sounds of his laptop. He knows when to open his eyes and watch the funny or tense bits. He feels like he can’t really fall asleep now, anyway. This moment feels a little too precious to miss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	14. Chapter 14

When Phil emerges on Saturday morning, he finds Dan already in the kitchen, dressed and eating a bowl of cereal. He offers Phil a hum that sounds like “good morning”, and an enthusiastic nod to Phil holding up a coffee mug. He settles down next to Dan with his own cereal and a mug of coffee, and they sit in comfortable silence while they both wake up properly.

Their bus leaves at eleven, so they leave the house before they’ve had the chance to see anyone else. They’re each carrying a rucsac on their shoulder, and Phil feels a little like he’s off to school. 

“It feels like years since I’ve been out this early,” Dan says as they walk down the path.

“Me too,” he says with a little huffed laugh, “It’s not even that early.” He takes the time to look around at the area. It’s fairly busy with cars and people going for a run or walking the dog, and it seems earlier than it actually is. It feels like they left the house at the crack of dawn. He almost wishes they had; it’s been too long since he saw a sunrise, or went out and breathed the fresh, crisp morning air.

“I need to get out early more often,” Dan says, as if he can tell what Phil’s thinking. Phil looks over at him and offers a smile.

“Well, if we’re up early enough tomorrow, mum might make us a fry up,” Phil grins. He knows that Kath will make them a fry up no matter what time they get up, but there’s something in him that thinks it might be nice to wake up early and just enjoy that time with Dan.

He can feel his chest swinging back and forth on an emotional spectrum. It feels like a bit of a roller coaster. The more he lets himself enjoy time with Dan, the more he finds himself feeling like a crush is really developing. And it’s a great feeling, the butterflies in his stomach and the way he just feels at peace around Dan. It’s like nothing he’s ever really felt before. But at the same time, he really is terrified about the idea of coming out to his parents, or entering a relationship before he’s told them he’s gay. It feels completely wrong, and it’s scary. He’s never really done anything big without talking to his mum about it first. And it feels unnatural for him to just go headfirst into a relationship before he’s had a heart-to-heart with her about it.

He realises halfway through his train of thought that, in order to enter a relationship, there has to be some kind of reciprocal feelings going on. It feels a bit stupid to him that he hasn’t stopped to think about whether Dan would like him back, and he immediately shoves the thought aside. He’s too caught up on his parents to really be able to consider to logistics of a relationship. And maybe he’s too high on the thought of liking Dan and being okay with that to even start to consider the possibility of Dan having any kind of romantic feelings for him.

He’s pulled out of thought by Dan reaching his foot across to poke him in the leg. He doesn’t even remember them stopping at the bus stop, but Dan has perched himself on the wall while Phil stands next to him.

“You okay there?” Dan asks, giving Phil’s leg another poke.

“Yeah, just,” Phil swallows. “Thinking about shit.”

“Anything you wanna share with the class?”

Phil looks up at him then. It hits him for a second that he could just say it. He could just tell Dan he thinks he might have a crush on him, and get this whole thing over and done with, right here and right now.

“There’s nothing very coherent to share,” he says instead, with a shrug.

“Suit yourself,” Dan says.

There’s something nice, Phil thinks, about just being on the verge of liking Dan as a friend and liking him as something else. It’s just enough of looking over and seeing Dan be cute and getting butterflies from it, without having to acknowledge how scary it could be to have a crush on a boy. And he can cope with this.

They’re about halfway through the bus journey when Phil starts to feel queasy. It’s a little more intense than normal, and Phil thinks he might be a little nervous of Dan being at his house. It’s strange, when he’s already met Phil’s mum. He’s not met Nigel, although that doesn’t bother him as much. Phil knows his dad is gentle towards everyone. So is Kath, really, but Phil thinks he maybe values her opinion a little more.

He feels a little rude, that Dan is nattering away about something or other and he’s just completely zoned out from it. They were discussing Final Fantasy VII, and its incredible soundtrack, but now Phil can’t seem to focus back on what Dan’s saying.

“Phil?” he says. Phil jolts back to reality suddenly, looking up at Dan a little bewilderedly.

“Oh, sorry,” he says, looking at his hands. “What were you saying?”

“You sure you don’t wanna talk about whatever’s going on?” Dan says softly. “You seem really out of it today.”

“Oh, uh,” Phil looks back up and is taken aback a little by the concern written on Dan’s face. “I'm just a bit travelsick, I guess.”

“Oh, shit,” Dan reaches into his rucsac. “You want some water?”

It touches Phil, the way Dan is clearly worried about him. He’s not ready to think about what that might mean, but he’s not going to push it away either.

“I think I’m okay, thanks,” Phil says quietly. “S’nice to just listen to you talk.”

Dan seems happy enough with that, and launches back into why Seven has the best soundtrack of the series.

Kath is there to meet them at the bus station, just like last week. She wraps an arm round each of them and calls them “her boys”, and Phil doesn’t miss the little smile that appears on Dan’s face. He thinks back to their conversation a couple of weeks ago, about Dan’s mother and her place in his life, and has a brief thought that maybe Kath could be the mother figure he’s been missing, at least for a little while. He knows she’ll take him under her wing straight away, just the way she always does with everyone.

The drive home is full of Kath’s small talk, asking them about the journey, telling the boys about her friends and what the gossip in the village is. It’s comfortable, and Phil finds himself sharing little smiles with Dan every now and then. It’s easy to see how endeared he is by Kath, and it warms Phil’s heart to see him enjoying the time with her. He can feel himself slipping, falling further and further with every passing moment, but he lets himself. Maybe if he slips slowly enough he’ll be able to stop before it’s too late.

“Okay, Dan,” Kath says as they pull into the drive, “We have a couple of options for you tonight. We’ve got a spare room for you, or you can sleep on the sofa in Phil’s room if you’d prefer a little sleepover.”

Dan looks up at Phil.

“I’ll, uh. I’ll take Phil’s sofa, if that’s okay?”

Phil smiles at him brightly, and they move their bags upstairs.

“Your mum’s great,” Dan says once they’re in Phil’s room. “I’ve only been here two seconds and I already feel like I’m her kid.”

Phil smiles fondly.

“She does that to everyone,” he says. “She’ll feed you up well and make you feel special and then you'll not want to leave at the end of it.”

Dan laughs, and his whole face lights up. Phil feels himself fall a little more.

“Can’t wait,” he whispers.

They set up the bed for Dan to sleep on and then head downstairs for a late lunch of homemade soup and bread.

“This is really good, Mrs Lester,” Dan says after a couple of mouthfuls. He’s smiling politely and seems to be on his best behaviour, and Phil feels some butterflies swirl in his stomach at the thought of Dan trying to impress his parents.

“Was it law you’re studying, Dan?” Nigel asks.

“Yes, Mr Lester,” Dan replies.

“ _Please_ , Dan,” Kath says with a laugh, “We are Kath and Nigel, none of this Mr and Mrs Lester nonsense.”

“Sorry, Mrs… Kath,” Dan corrects himself and Kath gives him a smile.

“Law,” Nigel continues, “A tricky subject.”

“Sure is,” Dan says, “Not that I’ve done much of it yet.”

“Are you enjoying it?”

Dan splutters a laugh.

“I think enjoying might be the wrong word,” he says. “It’s a lot of reading, and it’s pretty tiring, but it’s keeping me on my toes.”

“Well, it’s good for a young man to keep his mind at work,” Nigel says with a firm nod.

Phil’s surprised with how warm Nigel’s approval makes him feel. He knows his dad has some pretty stereotypical views about how men should be and act, and maybe in the back of his mind being gay has always seemed like the nail in the coffin for Phil. Not that Nigel knows that. But seeing his dad seem so impressed with Dan makes him feel a little warmer. He can’t place why, but he lets himself feel it. It’s nice to let himself feel happy, even if it does scare him a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, new chapter! this one is a little longer than my other one has been, and it's actually my favourite so far! i hope you guys enjoy!  
> (also i've written a little bonus fic to go alongside this chapter that will get put out in a few days so look out for it! <3)

“You wanna watch some Buffy tonight?” Phil asks when they manage to get back to his room. The gladness at Dan trying to impress his parents wore off as soon as Dan offered them both to wash up, and now his hands are wrinkly and he’s only just managed to catch a break from his parents.

“Sure,” Dan says as he settles down on the sofa. “Wait, aren’t your DVDs at uni still?”

Phil gives him a sheepish smile.

“So I have a confession to make,” he says, pulling out a box set from his rucsac. Dan laughs and rolls his eyes.

“Of course you brought it with you.” The look Dan gives him catches him off guard for a second, and he stops. It seems a little fond, and Phil can feel himself going a little red under Dan’s gaze. “Go on then, what are we waiting for?” Phil is pulled back from his thoughts, and gives Dan a smile he hopes doesn’t look shy. He scoots to the corner of his bed by the wall and pats the pillow next to him. Dan is quick to move and occupy the space, squeezing in right next to Phil, even though there’s a lot more room on the other side of the bed. It’s warm. His chest is warm, the side of his arm touching Dan’s is warm. He feels like he’s right where he should be.

They’re only a little way in when Dan’s head slips on to Phil’s shoulder. It’s strange to him that there’s still a little pretence, like both of them are acting as if they don’t know the position they’re going to end up in, as if it just happens every time, without any real intent. He wonders how long it will be before this awkward phase passes, and they can just settle down next to each other and let Dan’s head find purchase on his shoulder, his own head on top. It’s okay, though. He’ll let himself enjoy the awkward phase. There’s nothing wrong with the little dance they do before they let themselves have the thing they want. Maybe there’s a metaphor in there for something else, Phil thinks for a second. He shoves that aside. For now, this is all he needs.

“Phil?”

Phil moves to look down at Dan. Their faces are so close, he could just lean down and kiss those lips. _Fuck_. He’s never really thought about that side of being in a relationship before. Nothing more physical than this has ever crossed his mind before, as silly as that seems to him now. He doesn’t have a chance to think about it any longer though, because he’s being shoved slightly and laughed at.

“What?” he whines.

“How many times do I have to ask you?” Dan asks with a little chuckle. “Is this okay?”

“Oh!” Phil can feel himself going red, and dips his head in the hopes of his long hair covering his face a little. It doesn’t. He hears another laugh and looks up to shove Dan a little. “Yeah, of course, it’s fine.”

“Alright, alright,” Dan says, laughing and settling back down on Phil’s shoulder. Phil’s quick to settle his own head on top of Dan’s.

“This okay?” he doesn’t get an answer. “Dan?” still nothing, but he can feel Dan's body begin to shake with laughter. Phil huffs, feigning exasperation, and reaches over to poke Dan’s side. Dan squirms and lets out a bark of surprised laughter and suddenly they’re trying their best to poke and tickle each other, while Buffy plays in front of them on Phil’s laptop, forgotten.

“Boys?”

The voice breaks them apart and they look up in shock. They’re both red in the face and breathing heavily, and for a second Phil is terrified at what Kath thinks she might’ve seen. He doesn’t know how long she’s been stood there.

“Mum?” Phil says, breathlessly.

“Uh, I was just coming up to see if either of you wanted a hot drink while the kettle’s boiling?”

She doesn’t seem to know where to look, and it makes Phil feel sick. It must be a shock, he supposes, to invite one of your son’s friends over for the night only to see something that might make you think that he’s been gay all this time. That thought doesn’t really help to calm his anxiety.

“Is there hot chocolate, mum?” Phil asks in the end, because he has to say something.

“Yes, of course,” Kath says. She seems just as eager to leave as Phil is for her to go.

“Could we have some?”

“Yes, Phil.” She’s gone pretty quickly after that, and Phil looks over at Dan, who looks about as panicked as he feels. They each take a deep breath, and Phil lets out a little laugh. There’s not much else he can do than that.

“Do you…” Dan begins. “Do you think… she thinks…”

“I don’t know,” Phil says softly. He doesn’t want to hear Dan say it. He’s too scared to hear Dan’s opinion on someone thinking they’re dating, so he doesn’t let it linger for too long. “Uhh, where were we, anyway?” he leans across to pull his laptop closer and skips back to where Dan recognises the scene. They settle back down, but Phil notices how Dan stays stiffly upright instead of leaning back on to Phil’s shoulder. He doesn’t push it, but it makes his stomach churn to think that the idea of being seen as Phil’s possible boyfriend is too much for him. He tries to focus on Buffy for a little while, but it doesn’t help. Kath brings them up a mug of hot chocolate each, and Dan scoots away from Phil a little as she carries their drinks over to them. It makes his heart sink, but he tells himself he doesn’t know what’s going on in Dan’s head, and tries to comfort himself a little with that.

When their hot drinks are finished, Phil feels a dip in the bed next to him and looks over in time to see Dan tentatively moving to rest his head on Phil’s shoulder. They lock eyes for a second and Dan offers him a small smile.

“This okay?” he whispers.

“Yeah,” Phil breathes. Dan’s head moves the rest of the way on to Phil’s shoulder and he wonders if Dan can feel the way he relaxes, the tension in his body leaving in one breath as they relax back into their usual position. Things feel okay again.

It’s gone 2 a.m. by the time they decide they should go to sleep. They’re nearly falling asleep on each other, and Phil thinks if they do fall asleep like this there’s going to be some intense explaining to do if his mother were to find them like that in the morning.

Phil’s surprised that there’s no pretences between them when it comes to changing into pyjamas. He would have offered to go to the bathroom to change, but before he has a chance Dan is pulling his shirt over his head. Phil has to look away to avoid feeling like a creep, but he follows Dan's lead and strips himself of his own shirt in favour of pjs. He can feel the tension in the room again, but he tries his best to ignore it. They don’t talk, but Phil knows he's not imagining the subtle, stolen looks between them. He knows it happens, but for his own sake he pretends not to notice. He’s not ready to think about what it might mean.o

They awkwardly walk down to the bathroom together to brush their teeth, and looking in the mirror at each other makes it harder for Phil to keep his eyes on himself, and not to let them trail down to watch Dan and his chest, when Dan can see exactly where Phil's eyes are wandering. He can tell Dan is firmly keeping his eyes on himself too, though. He's sure he's not imagining the way Dan never lets his eyes move away from his own face. 

Phil’s been sleeping in a single bed for such a long time that once he's climbed into his double bed, it feels far too big. He tells himself that’s the reason. Maybe, deep down, he thinks he should be sharing this space, and that Dan should be next to him instead of on the other side of the room. But there’s been too much thinking in that direction today for him to be able to cope with that train of thought.

Dan switches off the light and they lie in the dark for a little while. Neither of them are asleep, Phil knows, but he doesn’t want to be the one to break the silence.

“Hey Phil?” Dan murmurs.

“Yeah,” Phil says. He’s lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. It feels right, to share this room with Dan. He feels comfortable.

“I’m really glad you invited me here.” His voice is so gentle and sincere that Phil has to close his eyes for a second. He’s never really had many friends, aside from Chris and PJ, and a couple of others. He’s never really felt like he could mean much to many more people. But Dan’s voice is full of sincerity, and it warms him in a way nothing ever has. He’s not sure how to deal with it, and he's glad that, in the darkness of the room, he doesn't have to keep up appearances.

“Well, it was my mum who invited you really,” he says with a croak. Stupid, he thinks as he's said it.

“Alright then, I’ll go and wake her up right now to thank her,” Dan says, deadpan. He and Phil chuckle a little at that. “Really, Phil. I can’t imagine she’d have invited me if you didn’t want me around. It’s just… nice. That you wanted me here.”

Phil feels overcome with _something_ , and he looks across the room to where he can just about see the shape of the sofa in the dark.

“Of course,” he whispers. “I’ll always want you here.”

The huffed laugh he hears from Dan almost sounds sad.

“What?” he says quietly. He’s not sure if Dan heard it.

“Just…” Dan takes a deep breath. “I don’t know, no one’s ever really wanted me around that much before.”

“Oh,” Phil whispers. “I want you around.”

There’s only silence for a second, and Phil worries that he’s overstepped. He stares up at the ceiling, waiting for the silence to break.

“Thanks,” Dan says eventually. Then, “I want to be around.”

Phil is first to wake up in the morning. The room is dimly lit as light pours through the curtains, and when he checks his phone it’s about ten. He rolls over on to his side to see Dan asleep on his sofa. It disorients him for a second, until he remembers where they are and the night before. He closes his eyes again for a second, and lets himself wake up.

The next time he opens his eyes, Dan has rolled over so that he’s facing Phil. He has one arm lying across his own waist, the other folded under his head like a pillow. His hair is slowly starting to curl and it’s flopping across his face in a way that Phil thinks must be so annoying, and he’s really not sure how Dan’s sleeping through it. He’s glad Dan’s still asleep, though. He feels privileged to be able to see him like this.

It’s pretty creepy, Phil thinks for a second, that he’s lying on the other side of the room watching his friend sleep. But the thought fades pretty quickly, the more that Phil watches Dan. Every now and then, Dan will shift a little and let out a quiet noise, and Phil melts a little. His face looks gentle, at peace in a way that Phil’s never seen before. When Dan shifts another time and his hair flops further into his face, Phil sees his nose twitch irritably, but he doesn’t stir. Phil wants to brush the hair out of his face, but he thinks that’s definitely a step too far.

The more Phil watches Dan, the more he feels restless. He’s not sure where the idea comes from that he could wake Dan up with a coffee, but by the time he’s remembered what a couple-y thing that is, he’s already set on it. He needs a coffee, and it makes sense that Dan should get one too.

When he makes it downstairs, Kath is already making breakfast. She’s stood over a chopping board, cutting the fat off of some bacon, and she looks up when she hears him coming.

“Morning Phil,” she smiles as he enters the kitchen. He leans down so she can press a kiss to the top of his head in place of a hug. “There’s some water in the kettle.”

She watches him pull two mugs out the cupboard and smiles.

“Is Dan up as well, then?” she asks. “I’ll put breakfast on if you’re both ready.”

“Oh, uh, Dan’s still asleep,” Phil says quietly.

“Oh!” Kath says. She looks back down at her bacon. “Okay. You’re making him some coffee for when he wakes up, then?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” Phil thinks he’s dodged a bullet when Kath goes quiet and moves to wash her hands. “I’ll put this back in the fridge a little while, then.”

Phil nods awkwardly, and spoons some coffee grains into his mugs.

“Phil, I…” Kath says after a second. “I don’t mean to pry.”

Phil feels himself tense up, feels the nerves in his stomach begin to tighten.

“But is he… are you and Dan…” she’s struggling to find the words, and it hurts Phil a little to think that him being in a relationship with a man is difficult for her to comprehend. “Are you together?”

Phil takes a breath, and stares down into the mug in front of him for what feels like an age.

“No,” he says finally. “No, we’re not together.”

“Okay,” Kath says.

They’re silent for a couple of seconds, and Phil spoons some sugar into his and Dan’s coffees to feel less awkward.

“You know, Phil,” Kath says. Phil feels himself tense again. “It’s okay, if you are. Gay, I mean. You can tell me.”

“Okay,” Phil says. He’s trying his best to keep his voice still, his hands calm, his demeanour normal. “I will.”

“Okay,” Kath says softly. She goes to walk out the kitchen.

“I am,” Phil says, before it’s too late. Kath stops, turns. He scrunches his eyes closed. He can’t look at her. “Gay. I am gay.”

“Phil,” Kath starts, putting her own mug of coffee down and immediately walking back into the kitchen to open her arms. Phil takes the hug gratefully. It’s strange, being this tall and gangly, folding his long arms round his little mum. But it still feels like home. “I love you, my boy.” It sounds a little like she’s trying not to cry. He is, too.

“I love you too,” he says quietly. When they pull away, he feels the need to clarify. “But me and Dan,” he says quickly. “We’re not…”

“Okay, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the [bonus chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23856739) for this fic!
> 
> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's half past midnight so im uploading instead of going to sleep we're all functional here

When Phil gets back to his room, a little shaken but mostly feeling elated and a little dazed, Dan is awake. He’s lying on his back, phone above his head, and has pulled the duvet around himself to keep his shoulders and arms warm.

He looks up when Phil pushes open the door, and offers a sleepy smile. It’s cute, and Phil gets distracted for a second.

“For me?” Dan says, breaking the silence. Phil grins.

“Thought you might need the sustenance,” he says holding the mug out for Dan to take once he’s manoeuvred himself into a sitting position. “Mum’s gonna make breakfast when we’re up, too.”

“God bless Kath Lester,” Dan says as he gives his coffee a gentle blow and takes a sip.

“Cheers to that,” Phil says. He feels even more restless now that he’s seen his mother, and he wants more than anything to be able to tell Dan his news. But he’s definitely not at the point of coming out to Dan yet, so he sits quietly, staring into his coffee and thinking about how that went better than he could ever have imagined.

“You alright over there, Phil?” Dan says after about a minute of silence. Phil looks up and smiles.

“Yeah, just… thinking.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

It hurts Phil a little, that he’s not ready to talk about this with Dan. Especially after everything that Dan’s confided in him. The last thing he wants is for Dan to think that he doesn’t trust him. But it’s a big step, and he doesn’t want Dan to think Phil has a crush on him. He kind of _does_ have a crush on him, but that’s besides the point. Phil doesn’t even know that Dan would be that kind of person when finding out someone is gay. He really hopes not. 

“Well…” Phil takes a breath. “I just… I had this talk with my mum this morning. And I told her something I was really scared about telling her.” He stares back down into his coffee, and when he looks up Dan is nodding encouragingly at him. “I can’t really… talk about it yet. It’s still kind of scary. I’ll tell you one day. Just… not yet.”

“There’s no rush, Phil,” Dan says quietly. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to tell me anything.”

“No, I…” Phil looks over at him and smiles a little sadly. “I _want_ to be able to tell you. I’ve just not really told that many people, so it still feels like a big thing, you know?”

Dan nods.

“I’ve got big scary secrets too,” Dan says. “Shit I’ve barely even come to terms with myself, so. I guess I know where you’re coming from.”

Phil softens. He wasn’t expecting anyone to understand his messy feelings, but here Dan is, just getting it.

Phil nearly groans out loud when Dan offers to do the dishes after breakfast. He shoots Dan a mock annoyed look and Dan simply grins back at him. Kath seems to pick up on it pretty quickly, though.

“It’s okay, Dan,” she says as she takes his and Phil’s plates. “I don’t think my son could endure another washing up session, I’ll let you off the hook.”

“Thanks Kath,” he says anyway. She smiles like she’s charmed and Phil’s heart warms a little. “I’ll go jump in the shower then, if that’s alright?”

“Of course, Dan,” Kath smiles. Phil gets up to head upstairs, but he’s stopped. “Phil, could you wait here a second, love?”

“Oh, uh, okay,” he smiles awkwardly at Dan and watches as he disappears up the stairs, feeling queasy all of a sudden.

“Your dad just wanted to have a chat with you,” Kath says when Dan is up the stairs.

“Oh.”

“Phil,” Nigel says. He’s been quiet most of the morning, and Phil doesn’t like being forced to think about why that might be. “Your mother tells me she learnt something about you today. That you're gay.”

Phil feels a rush of anger then, that his mother would say anything to his dad, when it’s _his_ news to tell, his secret, his life.

He doesn’t say any of that, though. Just clears his throat and braces himself. Nigel puts down the newspaper he’s been reading and stands up to face Phil.

“I just wanted to tell you that I love you, and I want you to be happy.” Oh. That’s a lot nicer than Phil was expecting. Nigel reaches out an arm to pull Phil into a hug and he accepts it, albeit a little confused.

“Thanks dad,” Phil says quietly.

“She also tells me that there’s nothing going on between you and Dan.” He sounds like he's teasing, and it makes Phil wonder if Kath really believed him when he told her. He feels himself going red under the implication. 

“That’s right,” he says, attempting to be firm. 

“That’s okay, Phil,” Nigel says quietly. “Whoever you end up with, we’ll support you.”

He wants to cry. In all the madness of spontaneously telling his mother that he’s gay, he hadn’t even considered what his father’s reaction might be. It’s probably a good job, he thinks, that he didn’t spiral into the hole of feeling like his father might have anything other than a positive reaction. The annoyed feeling at his mother is gone, but he knows that’s only because of his father’s reaction.

“Thanks,” he says quietly. “But, uh.” He swallows. “Mum, I know this is great, but.” A deep breath. He’s not really used to calling anyone out for things they shouldn’t be doing, but he knows they have to have this conversation. “Could you just… not tell other people? Without asking me first? It’s just… it’s my thing, you know? I should control who does and doesn’t know.”

“I didn’t want to keep it from your father, Phil,” Kath says gently.

“I know, mum,” he replies. “But it’s still my thing, okay? Just. Don’t tell anyone else unless I say it’s okay, yeah?”

“Okay, Phil,” she says. She sounds a little taken aback, and Phil can feel his anxiety rising a little, but he knows he’s done and said nothing wrong. “I’m sorry, love, I’ll not tell anyone else.”

“Thank you.” He gives her a gentle smile that he hopes says everything is okay without him having to actually say it. The smile he gets back confirms that the message has been received, and he manages to get back into his room without feeling too guilty.

Kath insists on driving the boys home again that afternoon, after a few more episodes of Buffy and some lunch.

“Now, boys,” she says as she begins to sort things into freezer bags. “I’ve made a few more meals for you all this time, since all your flat seemed to like what you had last time.” Phil watches in slight horror as more and more Tupperware boxes appear.

“Mum,” he says with a surprised laugh, “How much freezer space do you think we have?”

She ignores him and carries on pulling meals out the freezer until they’ve filled the two bags she has.

“Now, most of these are for you, Phil, but I’ve put some more in for Dan, as promised,” she says, pausing to give Dan a knowing smile, “And there’s a couple of spares in there in case the other two don’t feel like cooking some nights.”

They all pile in the car with bags of food on their laps. It’s a quiet drive back to uni, and when they get there Phil feels a little peopled out. He tells Dan he’s going for a nap once they’ve sorted their things into the freezer, and heads into his room to sleep.

It’s a couple of hours later when he’s a little more awake that he texts PJ to come and find him. Only a few seconds pass before there’s a knock at his door and PJ’s head is poking through, a sly grin on his face.

“Soooo,” he starts as he walks in and flops down on Phil’s bed. “How was the big weekend away?” he scoots up until he’s lying alongside Phil, and props his head up on his elbows.

“Uh.” Phil grins a little, but PJ’s face lighting up tells Phil he thinks something else big has happened. “I came out to my mum.”

PJ’s jaw drops.

“Phil!” he immediately sits up and pulls Phil into a hug. “That’s fucking huge, why didn’t you call me?”

“Well I couldn’t just tell you in front of Dan,” Phil says, lowering his voice instinctively.

“But what happened?”

“Well, me and Dan were watching Buffy and we were like… playfighting, and-” he pauses as PJ wiggles his eyebrows at him. He shifts an elbow to dig into PJ’s ribs. “Fuck off, I’m serious. And mum came in and saw us all red in the face and out of breath and I guess she thought we were…”

“Fucking,” PJ says with a solemn nod. Phil slaps him as well as he can with PJ’s arms tight around him.

“She asked me in the morning if we were together.”

“And you were about as thrilled with her as you are with me now?” PJ offers with a grin. Phil rolls his eyes.

“She said I could tell her if I was gay. So I did.”

“Fuck, Phil,” PJ breathes. He’s still trapped between PJ’s arms, but he’s comfortable there. “I’m so proud of you.”

They stay in that position a little while. It’s comforting, being wrapped up around PJ. He feels a little like PJ’s been neglected a little these past few weeks with how much Phil has been hanging around with Dan. He doesn’t think he can cope with telling PJ he’s sorry about that; he’s spent too much time telling people about his emotions today to be able to say anything more. So he just hugs PJ a little tighter, rests his chin on the shoulder in front of him, and hopes that the message gets across.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ pan


	17. Chapter 17

“You know,” Dan says one evening, “I keep thinking about how we don’t have each other’s numbers.”

They’re watching Buffy. Dan’s head is on Phil’s shoulder and Phil’s head has been resting on his. They’ve been sat in silence since the start of their episode, so Dan’s musing is a bit out of the blue. Phil frowns, and lifts his head to look down at the top of Dan’s.

“What?” he says quietly.

“Your number,” Dan says again. “I don’t have it.”

“I don’t have yours either.”

“That’s what I’m saying.” Dan lifts his head to look at Phil. “I keep wanting to text you shit and I can’t.”

“I’m literally right here, what could you possibly want to text me?”

“Well not right _now_ ,” Dan says, rolling his eyes. “Just in general.”

“Ah, so you’re thinking about all the things you’re gonna text me as soon as you’re back in your room, then?” Phil says, a little smugly. He’s surprised at how forward he’s being, but he feels his stomach churning in a… not unpleasant way. He feels a little elated at the idea of Dan thinking about him when he’s just going about his day. He has to focus again so he can hear Dan’s answer. He’s ducked his head, and Phil thinks he might be blushing. Fuck, he’s cute. Phil wants to find all the different ways to make Dan blush like that. And shit, that’s new. He doesn’t have time to think about that, though. He catches himself zoning out just in time to hear Dan’s answer.

“No,” he says quietly. Phil can hear the pout in his voice. “Just remembered is all.”

“Okay,” Phil says. “Pass me your phone.” He gives Dan his own in exchange and they swap numbers. He’s not sure where this confidence came from, but he’d like to think that it compliments Dan’s shyness quite well. But he knows, were it the other way round, he would never have been able to ask for Dan’s number. And he’s really not sure he would be able to cope with Dan confident.

They settle back down into silence pretty quickly once their numbers are exchanged, but Phil’s mind is still whirring away. It’s almost like every time he thinks about Dan, he’s discovering something new about himself. He wants to kiss Dan – his lips, his neck, his hands. Anything he can get close to. Right now he wants nothing more than to be able to turn his head and press his lips into Dan’s hair. It’s a foreign desire; he’s never really been a particularly tactile person. But now he feels like touch is the only way he could possibly convey what he’s feeling. He doesn’t think he’d really be able to word it. He’s not sure he could even really think it. It’s still a little too scary.

He’s trying to figure out how, though, because it’s changing. The concept of liking a boy isn't so scary any more. Not in the way it was when he first met Dan. Now it’s like everything is happening at once and he can’t stop himself from falling further. Even if, at this point, he doesn’t really want to stop. He has no safety net, no way of catching himself. He has no guarantee that Dan likes him back, and he feels like there’s only so much of this pining he’s going to be able to take before he has to say something. Or before Dan figures out what it is that’s bothering him. And _then_ , there’s the question of whether or not Dan would even like him back. He doesn’t want to ruin what they have right now. It’s nice to have branched out and found friends other than PJ. And more than that, he _likes_ Dan. As a friend. He likes the way they slotted together so quickly, and how they trust each other. He likes how Dan confides in him and he wants to be able to confide in Dan too someday. And the idea that this could break what they already have is… a lot to deal with.

He thought he’d be ready, once he was out to his parents. He’s moved up on his ladder, and his feelings should be moving up with him. But instead, he’s just being met with another round of different obstacles to deal with.

Maybe it’s out of sync because he wasn’t really ready to come out to his parents. The only reason he’d said anything at all was because he was on the spot, and he knew another opportunity like that might not come around for a while. But maybe he was supposed to wait for that next opportunity, no matter how far away it could be. Maybe he’d be more prepared to deal with this.

He feels a hand on his arm then, and a gentle voice accompanying it. He hadn’t even noticed his fists were clenched like they are, so he takes a deep breath and relaxes his hands.

“Hey,” Dan says softly. Phil can feel him shifting his head, so he lifts his own to look at Dan.

“Hey,” Phil replies.

“Y’know,” Dan says. Phil thinks he’s going to move his hand from where it’s burning a hole into his arm, but instead he just gently squeezes and rubs his thumb along Phil’s forearm. Phil nearly has to close his eyes to focus on the feeling. “The offer still stands.” Phil forces himself to look into Dan’s eyes. When the thought starts to worm its way in that Dan’s eyes are so beautiful and full of emotion, he pushes it away. Dan deserves his full attention. “If you need to talk about it, whatever it is. I’m here for you.”

Phil sighs. It feels so unfair to keep this from Dan. But he knows that this is something he’s not ready to share.

“I…” Phil looks away from Dan. “I need to talk to _someone_ about it.” He starts. This is the difficult bit, but he has to say it. “I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you, y’know? I do. But…”

“Phil, you don’t have to explain yourself,” Dan interrupts. “I just want to help.”

“But if I don’t, I’ll feel awful,” Phil counters. “I just… I’m not ready to tell you yet. I haven’t told many people, and I want to talk to someone who already knows.” He feels shit for saying it.

“I get it,” Dan says. He sounds sincere, and it comforts Phil. “Nothing worse than having to dig up shit from the start.”

“I will tell you,” Phil says.

“I know,” Dan says. “I believe you.”

“I just… not yet.” It feels pathetic, but Phil just has to trust that Dan believes him.

“Okay,” Dan says with a soft smile. There’s no sadness there.

The episode is ending, and Dan moves his hand from Phil’s arm to his knee, with a light slap.

“I’m gonna get some sleep,” Dan says. “I have a 9am tomorrow.”

Phil pulls a face.

“Gross,” he says. “Good luck.”

“Thanks.” Dan stands up and stretches, and heads towards the door.

“Dan?” Phil says as Dan reaches the door. He turns, looks back at Phil.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispers. It feels worse. More pathetic than any of the rest of his shit. But he has to say it.

“Phil,” Dan says softly, sadly. “Come here.”

Phil gets up and walks over to meet Dan at the door. They stand opposite each other for a second before Dan moves, standing on his tiptoes to wrap his arms around Phil. Phil accepts the hug gratefully, and closes his eyes as he feels Dan’s chin dig into his shoulder.

“I’m not mad,” Dan whispers. His breath is tickling Phil’s ear, and he grounds himself with it. “I’m not annoyed. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I just don’t like seeing you sitting and stewing over shit that I feel like I could be helping you with. But that’s not your fault, yeah?”

Phil nods.

“I’m here for you, on _your_ terms. Whenever you’re ready.” Dan goes to pull back, and Phil lets him. “And it’s okay if you never want to tell me.”

Phil nods. He feels a little like he might cry, so he averts his eyes.

“Thanks, Dan,” he whispers.

Dan runs his hands down Phil’s arms, and rubs them with his thumbs as he goes.

“Get some sleep,” he says. “And I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

And then he’s gone. And Phil feels overwhelmed in too many ways.

When Phil wakes up in the morning, he’s surprised he even managed to switch his mind off for long enough to get as much sleep as he did. Maybe he just tired himself out overthinking. He’s not going to complain, though. He’s had his fair share of sleepless nights.

He has a clearer head this morning than he had last night, and as he lies in bed waking up properly, he knows there’s only one person he wants to talk to. And with that realisation, he thinks that maybe things did work out the way they were supposed to. He’s not sure he’d really be able to cope with this strange emotional roller coaster he’s on without being able to ring his mum and talk it through with her.

“Child,” Kath says as she picks up, just like always. “You’re awake early.”

“Morning, mum,” Phil replies. His voice still feels croaky from sleep, but he tries his best to ignore it. “How are you?”

“Good thanks, Phil,” she says, and he thinks he can hear the smile in her voice. “Is there any reason you rang me the second you woke up?”

Phil sighs. There’s no pulling the wool over her eyes, and he knows that.

“Are you… are you free, mum?” he asks quietly. “For a chat?”

“Always Phil,” she says. He imagines her sitting down, a mug of coffee ready to sip while he spills his heart out to her. Her voice already sounds more concerned than it did two seconds ago, and it’s comforting. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “It’s nothing bad, I just. I just wanted to talk to you rather than anyone else.”

“I’m touched, love,” she says. He can hear the smile in her voice and it makes him feel safe. “What is it you want to talk about?”

“Well.” He starts. “You know Dan.” She laughs lightly down the phone.

“I believe I do, yes.”

“And. Well, you know,” he takes a breath. “You know how I told you we’re not together?”

“Yes?”

He can hear the interest in her voice and rolls his eyes. She’s almost as bad as PJ.

“Well, I mean. That’s the truth,” he says. “But. I like him. Like, a bit. Maybe a bit more than I thought.”

“Okay,” she says gently. “What do you want to do about that?”

“I… I don’t know,” he says quietly. “I thought… I thought coming out was gonna be the difficult bit, you know? But I’m scared. I’m really scared, mum.”

“What’s scaring you, love?” she asks. “Is it… is it liking a boy? Is that the scary part?”

“I guess, a bit.” He says after a moment’s thought. “That’s what it was at first. Now it’s just like… I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt anything like this before. I don’t… I don’t know. I’m just scared.”

“It’s okay, Phil,” she says gently. “You know it’s okay?”

“I just… thought it’d get easier now. After I came out. But it’s all just as scary as it was before. I think it might be even scarier now, like… like there’s nothing holding me back any more, so I should be going for it.”

“It’s only been a few days, Phil,” she says. “You have to be patient. Things won’t change overnight.”

Phil sighs.

“I guess not.”

“It’s pretty big, yeah? Liking someone for the first time,” she tells him. “It’s going to take a little while to stop feeling scary.”

“I don’t know what to do,” he says quietly, almost to himself.

“Love, I only saw the two of you together for two days,” she says. “But I saw the way you looked at each other. I asked you if you were together for a reason, you know.”

Phil frowns.

“I thought… I thought it was just when you walked in and-”

“Well, that was when it first crossed my mind,” Kath says. “But then I started to piece things together, the looks, the jokes. When you came down to make coffee in the morning, I thought… that’s not the kind of thing you would do for just anyone.”

“But…”

“You look at each other like you’re together, Phil,” she tells him. “I don’t think he’s going anywhere, okay? I think you can sit back and let this take its course.”

Phil takes a deep breath. He didn’t know that was what he needed to hear.

“You’re liking someone for the first time, Phil, and it seems like he might like you back,” Kath says, with what sounds like a smile. “Just enjoy the ride, okay?”

“Okay, mum.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	18. Chapter 18

Enjoying the ride takes some getting used to. He’s spent the last month pushing his feelings down, and it takes time to teach himself to do the opposite, to let those feelings flourish. It starts with little things. Thinking about how nice it might be to hold Dan’s hand or kiss his cheek, and letting himself feel and even enjoy the swooping feeling that goes through his stomach. And then it starts to grow from there. Every now and then, Dan will stick his head round Phil’s door, or smile in a way that makes his dimple appear or the rosy patch on his cheek burst with colour. And Phil lets himself look. Sometimes the look will linger, and whilst Phil is constantly terrified of letting his eyes train on Dan longer than they probably should, it’s worth it to remind himself he can. He lets himself watch how Dan reacts to the little things that go on around them, and he enjoys it. He likes to see Dan happy, or confused, or laughing. He wants to see every expression Dan has, see every beautiful way his face might change. And slowly but surely, he’s seeing them all.

He finds himself spending more and more time with Dan. Watching Buffy together becomes less of an evening thing and more of something they do whenever they have free time. Sometimes they’ll take walks as a group, with Jimmy and PJ. When they’re all together, Phil notices how Dan occupies the space next to Jimmy, lets himself be taken under Jimmy’s arm and pulled in to a side hug like they’re old friends who haven’t seen each other for a long time. Phil knows what PJ thinks while they walk behind Dan and Jimmy, in silence. He hasn’t told PJ about his revelation, about his choice to give in to his feelings. It would be too much pressure, when he's still just finding his feet. 

He's trying to think about all these things in a quiet sort of way one night when he hears a text come through and picks up his phone to check it.

**Dan: r u up**

He looks at the time. It’s nearly twelve thirty. Not too late. 

**Phil: Yeah, you okay?**

**Dan: yeah tired**

**Phil: Sleep idiot**

**Dan: ugh i cant**

**Dan: come here?**

Phil’s not really tired. He’s nowhere near falling asleep, and he there’s really nothing stopping him from taking his laptop and Buffy boxset into Dan’s room. So that’s what he does.

The soft knock on Dan’s door is met with a muffled “come in”. When he opens the door, the sight he’s met with is something special. He’s never been in Dan’s room at night, and whatever he expected it to look like, it wasn’t this. It’s a welcome change from the harsh lights from his own room and the hallway. Dan’s light is out, but there are several lamps around the room that soften the darkness. An orange crystal light sits in the corner, glowing, whilst a couple of other small lamps sit on either side of Dan’s desk where he sits, hands poised on his keyboard, ready to play. He looks up when Phil walks in, and when Phil finally looks down at Dan, he’s met with a look that matches the soft ambience of the room.

“I, uh… brought this,” Phil says, holding up his laptop. Dan smiles.

“Actually,” he says, glancing back down at his keyboard. “I thought maybe you could just keep me company while I play.” In the dim light of the room, Phil thinks he sees Dan blush. It's beautiful, and Phil barely has to remind himself that it's okay to think that. "I mean, if you want," he adds quickly.

Phil is silent for a second while he considers that, when Dan is alone in his room in the night, doing nothing, he wants to share his space with Phil. _I keep thinking about how we don’t have each other’s numbers_. Phil’s phone burns in his pocket, and a warm feeling rises in his chest to think that this is why Dan wanted Phil’s number all along, just to invite him across the hall in the middle of the night. Phil really feels nothing but softness for this boy.

“I do want,” he says eventually. He settles himself down on the bed, lifting his legs up to cross them underneath him. “What are you playing?”

“Pyramid Song,” Dan says, as he glides his fingers over the keys, never quite pressing hard enough to play any notes. Phil feels immensely far from him here on the bed, even though in the tiny room they’re in, he could reach out across the gap and touch him. It doesn’t feel enough. It hurts a little, but Phil lets himself feel it. The bad should come with the good, the yearning with the fondness. He wants to feel it all in the fullest way he can, so he sits as patiently as he can and watches Dan’s back. He moves as he plays, his whole body gently rocking back and forth as the song progresses. It’s beautiful. It’s like watching a dance. He wishes he could join.

Then Dan screws up a note, growls almost under his breath, and spins around to look at Phil.

“It’s beautiful,” Phil says sincerely. Dan frowns.

“It needs work.”

“That’s okay,” he says. “It can need work and still sound good.”

Dan softens, and smiles at Phil. It’s a smile Phil’s not sure he’s seen before, so he takes extra care to observe it. Dan tilts his head a little, his eyes shine. His dimple doesn’t make an appearance, but the rosy patch on his cheek is colouring a little. He’s pretty.

“Thanks,” Dan says eventually.

“You gonna carry on?” Phil says. He’s starting to feel a little overwhelmed by the attention Dan is giving him.

“You want me to?” he asks.

“Of course.”

“Then I will.” Dan’s voice is gentle, almost silent, but he turns around and finds where he was. Phil’s never heard the original song before, but he thinks he’ll never need to. Dan plays it beautifully. He stops a couple of times, says he played the wrong note.

“I couldn’t tell,” Phil says.

“I think you might be a little tone deaf, mate,” Dan says. There’s no malice in his voice, only fondness. Phil has to look away to process it. He thinks fondness is the hardest emotion to comprehend. If asked, he might describe himself as fond of Chris and PJ. He might say that Chris and PJ are fond of him. But the fondness that passes between him and Dan is something completely different. It’s building up to something Phil’s never felt before.

“Thinking again?” Dan asks. Phil looks up.

“Yeah,” he says. “Sorry.”

“God, Phil,” Dan says, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Can’t believe you would _think_ in my presence, who the fuck do you think you are?”

Phil huffs out a laugh, and Dan laughs with him. They share a look, and Phil feels a little like he’s baring his soul to Dan. He looks away; it’s too soon for that. When he looks back up, Dan is still watching him. His eyes dart away the second they meet Phil’s though. He turns back around, but he doesn’t make a move to start playing again, and the room stays silent.

“Can I have a go?” Phil says after a few more moments of quiet. Dan turns back around.

“I didn’t know you played,” he says, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll have you know, I can play the Rugrats theme from memory,” Phil says. Dan laughs and stands up, gesturing for Phil to take his place in the chair.

“Go on then, Lester,” he says as Phil sits down. Instead of taking Phil’s unoccupied seat on the bed, Dan rests his hand on the back of the chair and leans over next to Phil. His breath hitches a little in his throat when he realises how close Dan is to him, and he stares at the keys in front of him in a desperate attempt to ground himself and keep his cool.

He almost forgets which keys are the right ones for the Rugrats theme, but once he gets started it’s all muscle memory, thank God. When he finishes, Dan gives him a quiet applause, before kicking him back out the chair.

Phil stifles a yawn as he gets up, and immediately sets Dan off.

“Maybe it’s sleep time now,” Phil says after another yawn. He pulls his phone out his pocket and sees that it’s nearly 2 a.m. He’s not sure how time went by so quickly listening to Dan play, but it was well-spent, and he’s not going to complain.

“Shit, yeah,” Dan says, standing up and turning off his keyboard. “I’ve kept you in here all this time and you’ve been bloody tired. Sorry.”

“Dan,” Phil says, catching his attention. “Shut up. I wasn’t sleeping. I wasn't even trying to sleep. And I really enjoyed hanging out with you tonight.” Dan smiles softly and ducks his head a little. It’s cute. “Also, I love all these lamps you have.”

“Oh, you like Cool Mode?” Dan grins, looking round his room proudly.

“I love it,” Phil confirms. “It’s so soft.” _Like you_ , he doesn’t say. “It suits you,” he says instead.

“Time for bed then,” Dan says. His arms swing like he’s waiting for something to fill the silence, but Phil doesn’t really have anything else to say. He shuffles towards the door, but then Dan opens his mouth to say something. It quickly closes again with a frown, and he looks up at Phil with a quick smile.

“You just went through a lot of emotions,” Phil says with a laugh.

“I’m tired,” Dan shrugs. “My mind’s on a bit of a roller coaster.”

Phil shrugs, and opens the door quietly.

“Night, Dan,” he says, stepping out. He feels a little like he’s just walked Dan back from a date, like he’s going to kiss Dan on the cheek before he slips outside and away.

“Night, Phil,” Dan replies. His head is leaning on the side of the door, and Phil doesn’t want to tear his eyes away. He looks soft, gentle. He looks precious, Phil thinks, and he doesn’t want to go back into his room and close the door.

But he does. He turns away, and he hears Dan’s door close behind him. He’s alone. He doesn’t really feel sad, though. He feels elated. Maybe this is just how it feels to spend time around your crush, without trying to stifle the feelings that make their way to the surface. Phil could get used to this feeling.

He changes into his pyjamas and flops down on the bed. A pillow is pulled down from the head of the bed, and arms are wrapped around it. He’s not imaging it’s Dan. That would be stupid and childish. He just wants to hold something, since Dan is unavailable. It’s a sorry substitute, but a thought crosses Phil’s mind as he falls asleep that he might not have to substitute Dan forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i really hope you enjoyed this one! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	19. Chapter 19

The next night, there’s no pretence. It’s just gone midnight when Phil gets another text from Dan.

**Dan: come here?**

The laptop and Buffy boxset sit rejected on Phil’s desk as he immediately leaves his room and heads out to knock on Dan’s door.

“Come in.”

Dan’s room is in Cool Mode again, but this time he’s sat on his bed with his keyboard in front of him. He has a blanket wrapped round his shoulders.

“You look cosy,” Phil says as he walks in and settles himself down on the bed next to Dan. Dan’s head flops down on to his shoulder, his hair resting gently against Phil’s cheek. It feels homely.

“Okay?” Dan says quietly.

“Yeah.”

Dan huffs a sigh.

“I’ve got a headache,” he says softly. “Feel kinda gross.”

Phil hums in response.

“You wanna go to sleep?” he asks, keeping his voice low to match Dan’s.

“No,” Dan whines. “Wanna stay here.” He sounds a little like a child, and Phil smiles softly. “Head hurts," he says again.

Without really thinking, Phil lifts his arm up to rest on Dan’s shoulder, his hand moving to thread gently into Dan’s hair.

“Okay?” he says. Dan just nods, and Phil lets his hand slowly begin to explore, carding through Dan’s hair, stopping to pet at it here and there. He’s never played with anyone’s hair before, and it surprises him how natural it feels to just sit and do this. It feels right. He doesn’t want to stop.

“S’nice,” Dan says quietly. Phil smiles. He’s resisting a lot of urges right now. The urge to turn his head and press a kiss to Dan’s temple, the urge to scratch at Dan’s scalp and tug at his hair a little. He thinks that if Dan didn’t have a headache, he might feel brave enough to try the latter things. But right now, all he wants to do is make Dan comfortable.

“Were you playing?” Phil asks after a few more minutes of silence.

“A little,” Dan says. “Some Seven.” Phil nods.

“Was it helping?”

Dan shrugs.

“Was nice,” he says in the end. “Don’t like headaches.”

“Me neither,” Phil whispers. “Do you have any painkillers?”

“Took some,” Dan says.

“Need a drink?”

“Got one,” Dan says with a little laugh. “Thanks, mum.”

Phil does give his hair a little tug then, and he’s met with another huff.

“You’re comfy,” Dan tells him after a few more seconds of quiet.

“Good,” Phil says. “Your hair is very soft.”

“Mm,” Dan murmurs.

“You sure you don’t want me to let you sleep?” Phil asks gently. “You seem like you need it.”

“Just wanna stay like this a little longer,” Dan says. “Sleep after.” His hand begins to shift, moving across to lay on Phil’s free arm. His fingers curl around it loosely, his thumb beginning to brush back and forth across his skin. It tingles so much Phil thinks Dan might be able to feel it.

“Okay?” Dan asks. Phil can’t help but think how good this is. Every move made with a check that it’s okay. It makes Phil feel like they’re really on the same page. There’s something building here, and it’s being built on trust and consent and comfort. It’s a slow build, but Phil doesn’t care about that. He’s enjoying it.

“S’nice,” he says after a second. Dan’s head moves then, and he manages to look up at Phil with a smile. There’s something in his eyes that Phil can’t place, like recognition or hope. It baffles Phil a little, how Dan has so many smiles and glances that he hasn’t had a chance to see yet. He’s never been a patient person, but right now he thinks that all this discovery is worth the wait, that he’d rather be patient. He loves the idea that there’s always more of Dan to see, more emotions, more expression. He never wants to be done discovering Dan, and he never wants to be done feeling the different ways his stomach will twist and flip upon these discoveries.

They sit in silence a few more minutes before Dan shifts and sits up.

“You okay?” Phil asks.

“Yeah,” Dan says. His voice sounds a little stronger than it did. “Gonna play for a bit. If you wanna stay and watch?”

“Course,” Phil says, without even a second thought. Dan looks up at him and smiles, before turning back to his keyboard and beginning to softly play. It’s nice to listen to a song he recognises, something so close to his heart. Watching Dan play it gives the music a new level of meaning, something Phil’s never really felt before.

He gets distracted quickly. Too quickly. It’s hard not to, though, when Dan’s fingers are floating across the keyboard, playing effortlessly. His hands are big, Phil realises. His fingers are long. He wonders what they’d feel like, entwined with Phil’s. He wonders how that big palm would feel pressed up against his own. He wonders what those knuckles out feel like against his lips. How the nails might scratch against his skin, how the fingers might run through his hair. It’s almost overwhelming, but he can’t stop. He doesn’t want to stop.

The music keeps playing, and Phil keeps watching Dan’s hands. He watches Dan’s hands until he’s watching his arms. Only his forearms poke out from under the blanket, and Phil’s never really appreciated anyone’s arms until now. They’re slightly tanned, and not really toned, but Phil doesn’t mind that at all. They belong to Dan, and that makes them beautiful. He’s not really sure he knows any more than that, but that’s okay. Maybe this path of discovering how he feels about Dan is a bit of discovery about himself, too.

He yawns without thinking, and a whine escapes his lips, catching Dan’s attention. The music stops, and he looks up.

“Keeping you up?” he asks fondly. Phil shakes his head.

“You’re playing nice,” he says softly, trying his best to stifle another yawn.

“Phil,” Dan says with a shake of his head. “Go to sleep, go on.”

“Ugh, _fine_ ,” Phil whines. “But only if you do, too.”

“Yes, mum, I’ll go to sleep,” he says, giving Phil a little shove.

He finds himself not wanting to leave, but he thinks this is just a feeling he’s going to have to get used to. The feeling of wanting to be around Dan all the time, the need to have him within arm’s reach. Not that he’s doing much of reaching out to him just yet, but he knows that will come with time. It’s already begun. Baby steps.

“C’mon,” Dan says after a moment of not moving. He lifts a leg and shoves Phil’s arm with his foot. “Move.”

“Ugh,” Phil says again, making a show of pulling himself up with a lot of heaving noises, like it’s the most difficult thing he’s ever done. Dan just rolls his eyes and shakes his head with a smile. That feels like a victory for Phil.

He walks to the door and Dan follows. He again finds he feels like he’s leaving after a date. He wonders if Dan might call this a date, these weird little midnight hang-out sessions. He knows that’s ridiculous. He just likes the idea of being on a date with Dan.

Again, he finds himself wanting to kiss Dan goodnight. He wonders if this is something that’s only going to get stronger, if it’s going to get harder and harder to deny that urge. Phil softens that blow with the hope that maybe one day he won’t have to deny it. One day, he might be able to kiss Dan whenever he wants to, not just as he leaves the room.

“Something interesting on my door, Phil?” Dan asks teasingly. Phil looks over at him and smiles sheepishly. “You do a lot of that thinking shit,” he says. Phil nods solemnly. “Maybe you should do more of that sleeping shit instead.”

“Maybe,” Phil says. He opens the door and walks out slowly, like he’s waiting for something to happen. Like if he drags it out long enough Dan will pull him back, or ask him to wait, or _something_. He doesn’t. Instead, he whispers a “goodnight”, and closes the door.

Phil’s about to open his own when he hears PJ’s door, and sees his head sticking out.

“Phil!” he hisses. Phil deflates a little. This isn’t what he needs right now.

“PJ!” Phil whispers back, trying to match his energy.

“Get in here,” PJ says, opening his door and beckoning Phil in.

Phil sighs. He goes in, though, because he still feels a little guilty about neglecting PJ, and he knows that there’s no use avoiding him anyway. If he did, PJ would find a way to catch him out.

He settles himself on PJ’s bed, and looks down at his hands. He feels like a child about to get told off by his parents for being out too late.

“Sooo,” PJ says with a grin as he sits down in the chair opposite Phil. “What was that about?”

“What d’you mean?” Phil asks, as nonchalantly as he can.

“Stop that, Phil,” PJ says. “That’s the second night you’ve disappeared into Dan’s room in the middle of the night, don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

“Spying, are you?” Phil says, a little dryly. He doesn’t need to be checked up on or watched over like this.

“I just notice things,” PJ shrugs. “I’m curious as to what’s going on.”

“Well, it’s very exciting,” Phil says, lowering his voice and leaning forwards. “Dan plays piano, and I sit and listen.”

“Romantic,” PJ comments with a wiggle of his eyebrows. Phil huffs.

“Peej, I asked you to leave it,” he says sternly.

“Something’s changed, Phil,” PJ says. “I’m not even sure if you can tell. But _I_ can tell. Something is different, it has been different these last couple of weeks. Since you came out to your parents, it’s like you tripped a switch or something.”

“What the fuck are you on about?” Phil asks. He’s starting to get annoyed. He wants to tell PJ about this in his own time. He doesn’t want it interrogating out of him.

“Well for starters, the two of you are spending more time together,” PJ says, crossing his arms. “Don’t think I don’t notice, Phil, you’re my best friend. Even the way you _look_ at him has changed.” He leans forward and reaches for Phil’s hands. He lets them be taken easily, despite his annoyance. “I just wanna know what’s happening. I wanna be happy for you.”

“And I told you I don’t wanna talk about this,” Phil counters. “Why is it so impossible to you that me and Dan could be just close friends?”

“You’re spouting bullshit,” PJ says matter-of-factly. “And you know it.”

Phil hates that he’s right. He hates that PJ’s on to him.

“Listen,” Phil says. “I just… I need some time, okay? I’m adjusting. Things _have_ changed, and I’m getting used to it.” He moves his hands so they can intertwine with PJ’s. “As soon as I have something to say, I will tell you, okay? I’m not keeping secrets from you. There’s nothing happening right now. I’m just…” he sighs.

“Okay,” PJ says softly. “Okay, I’ll leave you be.” They sit in silence for a few seconds, holding each other’s hands, before he speaks up again. “I’m kind of scared,” he says quietly, “That you’re gonna get with Dan and forget about me.”

Phil softens and looks up at PJ.

“And I guess… I don’t wanna get left out of the loop, you know?” he looks at Phil. “It’s like you’re doing all this shit with Dan, and… these are kind of big steps, yeah? If I don’t hear about it, it’s like… I’m getting pushed away. And I’m… scared of that. I guess I’m just trying to keep myself around.”

“Peej…” he whispers. He gives a little tug on PJ’s hands until he joins Phil on the bed and they end up in a weird side-hug. “No matter what happens, you’re my best _best_ friend. No one’s ever gonna replace you. Not Dan, not anyone. I just… don’t wanna put so much weight on this thing that it becomes too much, you know? I’m still figuring it out. But if anything happens, you’re the first to know. Yeah?”

“Yeah,” PJ says quietly. Phil lifts his head to press a kiss into PJ’s curls, and tightens his arms around PJ’s body. They’ll be okay, he knows. They just need some time to understand what they’re each going through. And that’s fine. One day, they’ll have stuff to tell each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	20. Chapter 20

PJ doesn’t knock before he bursts into Phil’s room. He’s lucky he’d had the intuition earlier to get up and shower even though he didn’t have anywhere to be.

“Philly,” PJ whines as he flops on to Phil’s bed. Phil looks down at him, unimpressed.

“Hey Phil, can I come in? Yes PJ of course, come right in,” he says. There is no humour in his voice, but PJ gives him a big, innocent grin. “What do you want?”

“Phil, I have had the shittiest lecture,” he begins, rolling over and throwing a hand over his eyes like he’s in a period drama. “And I would very much like to forget about it.”

“Okay?”

“We’re getting drunk tonight,” PJ tells him, rolling back over and propping himself up on his elbows.

“We are, are we?” Phil says.

“We are.”

“Us and what alcohol?” Phil says, raising his eyebrows.

“Well, you still have half a bottle of Malibu left, we’ve still got some vodka,” PJ tells him. “Come _on_ ,” he whines, dragging the word out like a child. “It’s been weeks, Phil.” Phil frowns down at him. He is actually ready to get drunk again. It was a lot of fun last time. He just likes to watch PJ suffer a bit. “I’ll rope Jimmy and Dan in, we can play some more card games, it’ll be great.”

“Yeah, alright, alright,” Phil says with a laugh, shoving PJ with his foot.

“We need some more mixers, though,” PJ says. “Fancy a walk?”

They spend their walk in silence. Phil’s been thinking a lot since last night, about what he wants to say to PJ, when and how he wants to say it. He’d like to have PJ’s blessing, but it’s more than that. He doesn’t like keeping things from his best friend. Even more so now that he knows what PJ’s going through. Maybe he would understand Phil’s need to keep it all on the down-low, too. Maybe he wouldn’t be as pushy as he was before. He knows PJ only has his best intentions at heart, and that keeps Phil's hopes up. They’re nearly at the small 24 hour Tesco, when Phil decides that right now could be the perfect time to really talk to PJ about this.

“Hey,” he says, before they cross the street. “D’you wanna go to Asda?”

“For a bottle of coke?” PJ asks with an eyebrow raise.

“Well, we can get some other bits, too.”

There must be a look in his eye that PJ understands, because he agrees without another question, and they walk on, past Tesco. There’s another few minutes of silence before Phil decides he should probably say something, since he’s the one who suggested going out of their way to walk for an extra hour and a half.

“So.”

“So,” PJ says beside him, nodding slowly, waiting.

“I, uh.” He takes a deep breath. It’s weird, how much weight he feels this is carrying. He knows this is going to make it feel more real. But that’s okay. He has to remind himself of that. He’s enjoying the ride. It’s okay for it to be real. “I like Dan.”

PJ laughs.

“I know, buddy,” he says, lifting an arm to clap Phil on the back.

“Yeah,” he says. “I, uh. I’ve known for a little while, I just… I wanted to just get used to it a bit first, you know? Before I told you.”

“I get it, Phil,” PJ says gently.

“I just… it was kind of overwhelming, before,” Phil admits. It’s hard for him, to call people out. But he feels like his emotions have cooled down enough for him to be able to address it in a way that doesn’t make him so anxious. “With just… being pushed together and shit. It scared me. I wanted to have everything down first.”

“Did you tell anyone?” PJ asks. “I know how you bottle shit up.” He knocks a shoulder into Phil's, and Phil smiles. 

“I told my mum,” he says quietly.

“No way,” PJ says softly, looking up at Phil. He can hear something like pride in PJ’s voice, and he almost wants to cry for how far he’s come in such a short time.

“She told me to just enjoy it.”

“Cute.” PJ says. “Does this mean I’m allowed to be your wingman now, though?”

Phil sighs.

“Not yet.” He looks up at PJ and offers a sad smile, before ducking his head back down. “This is all so new, you know? I feel like it’d be too much pressure. I just wanna enjoy it a little longer. But I also wanted you to know.”

When he lifts his head again, PJ is smiling at him.

“I’m really glad you told me, Phil,” he says gently. “I get it though, yeah? I’ll not be too intense. I’m just happy for you. But I’ll rein it in. I want you to enjoy this as much as your old mum does.”

Phil feels overwhelmingly warm then, and reaches over to pull PJ in for an awkward side hug. They’ve been having a lot of those recently, and Phil’s not really sure how their friendship really functioned before he was able to emote through physical touch.

Phil texts Dan on the way back to the flat, while PJ texts Jimmy.

**Phil: You up for getting drunk with me and the lads tonight?**

**Dan: interesting proposition**

**Phil: You don’t have to, I don’t mind**

**Dan: of course i want to idiot**

**Dan: maybe we’ll have another spin the bottle**

**Dan: ur the only person left for me to kiss**

Phil stops dead in his tracks when he reads Dan’s message. He’s really not sure what to make of it. Is Dan flirting with him? Is he just stating facts?

“Phil?” PJ says, when he looks up to find Phil is no longer next to him. Phil looks up at him, and silently hands over his phone.

“ _Oh_ ,” PJ says with a smirk. “What a progression.” He looks far too smug, and Phil still feels terrified.

“What do I _say_ to that, Peej?” he whines as they start walking again. “I can’t say nothing, or he’ll think he overstepped or something.”

“Send him a winky face or something, I don’t know Phil,” PJ says with a roll of his eyes. “Do you not want to kiss him?”

“Not in a drunk game of spin the bottle,” Phil says quietly. PJ looks up at him and softens. “I want it to mean something. I want us both to remember it.”

“You really are a hopeless romantic, huh?” PJ smiles. Phil shrugs, attempting nonchalance, although he can feel heat rising in his cheeks.

“I think I surprised myself,” he says with a laugh.

“You’d better text him back, though.”

**Phil: Haha**

He waits a few seconds, and thinks that’s a bit of a shit response. With PJ next to him, he feels a little bold.

**Phil: Maybe you can kiss me some other time**

He shoves his phone in his pocket and lets PJ talk his ear off for the rest of the walk home.

Phil manages to forget about that text until they get back to the flat and walk into the kitchen to find Dan with his lunch. Phil suddenly feels like a deer in the headlights, and he’s all too aware of the blood rushing into his cheeks. He offers Dan a smile but he feels a little sick. Boldness had been great at the time. Now he’s terrified that he’s the one who fucked up. But Dan’s face lights up, and he offers Phil and PJ a chip each from his plate. He gives Phil a look that he thinks is hopeful, maybe silently asking for a chat later. But Phil’s not ready. He feels a lot like he fucked up, being so forward, so he averts his eyes and sits down in the stool next to Dan. He feels a foot poke him in the leg, and looks up at Dan.

“You okay?” it’s quiet, just for him. Phil nods.

“I didn’t, uh…” he begins, looking back down at his hands.

“Oh!” Dan says. “No, of course not. It’s all good.” He gives Phil a quick smile, but it looks a little clipped.

“What?” he says.

“Oh, you just… you didn’t answer my text, I thought… I thought it was me who…”

Phil pulls his phone out from his pocket and sees the last text from Dan.

**Dan: oh? ;)**

Phil feels the heat begin to rise again, in his belly and in his cheeks. He’s not sure what to say now, with Dan sat in front of him. The bravery is gone. He looks back up at Dan with a smile that he’s only half trying to hide.

“Oh,” he says softly. He’s still not ready, but he can give Dan that. He feels a little warmer thinking that maybe Dan does actually want this just as much as he does.

It’s around seven o’clock when they start drinking. PJ suggests no drinking neat since there’s not loads of Malibu left, but Dan ignores him. He pours himself half a glass of Malibu and settles down on the floor by the wall. Something in Phil’s mind tells him it might seem impressive to Dan if he also drank neat Malibu, so he pours himself the same. When he looks up, Dan is making grabby hands. Phil’s not sure if he’s gesturing to the drink or to Phil himself, so he decides to cover all bases, and grabs the bottle as he walks over. He slumps down the wall next to Dan, who immediately flops his head on to Phil’s shoulder.

“Okay?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Phil says automatically.

Now that he’s next to Dan, Phil wants to be drunk. He wants to be a little bolder, a little braver. He wants to see that side of himself, now that he’s accepted what he's feeling for Dan.

A couple of drinks in and fog has started to cloud Phil's head. He’s still on the floor by the wall, and Dan’s head is still on his shoulder. He’s a little curled up next to Dan, and he wishes he was the one resting his head on Dan. He’d like to be the one who feels taken care of now. Dan gets up to go to the loo, though, and as Phil watches him stumble away, he hears someone else move closer to him. When he looks up, PJ and Jimmy are stood next to each other.

“Enjoying yourself, Philly?” PJ slurs. He’s had a couple more drinks than Phil, and he’s a little more gone. Jimmy is still holding his liquor very well, and he only seems a little tipsy.

“Yeah,” Phil says quietly. PJ smiles.

“Good.” He leans down with a little stumble to ruffle Phil’s hair. “Like seeing you happy.”

Phil feels warmth rush through him, and he gives PJ a big, cheesy grin.

When Dan gets back, Phil doesn’t give him a chance to settle back into position. His head is on Dan’s shoulder so quick he feels like he might throw up, but the gentle laugh he gets from Dan is worth it.

“Okay?” he says.

“Yeah.”

Phil breathes a sigh of contentment, and lets himself relax. After a couple of seconds, he feels Dan begin to shift, and then there’s a hand in his hair.

“Good?” Dan asks. Phil smiles.

“Good,” he says. Dan’s hand begins to wander, running through Phil’s long hair, tugging every now and then, sending electric shocks down Phil’s spine. Dan’s hand moves behind Phil’s ear and scratches a little, and Phil squirms with how good it feels. He can hear Dan’s laugh, and it’s like music. He twists a little to put more of his weight on Dan’s side, and he gets that laugh again. He wants to hear that laugh every day for the rest of his life, he thinks. Maybe it’s too soon for that, but he can allow his alcohol-dazed mind some dramatics.

They don’t play any card games, or any spin the bottle. When Jimmy and PJ are more drunk, they come and settle on the floor with Dan and Phil. PJ sits on the other side of Phil and immediately throws himself into Phil’s lap. Phil winds a hand into PJ’s hair, and Jimmy sits cross-legged opposite the three of them.

“You’re all ridiculous,” he says with a shake of his head. Phil doesn’t miss the look that he gives Dan, or the way that Dan beams back at him. It warms his heart. He loves Jimmy. He thinks they’d all be a lot more of a mess if it wasn’t for him. He reaches out a hand and makes a grabby gesture at him, until Jimmy reaches back and their fingers intertwine. It’s strange, this need to _touch_ to express love. It’s not something he ever did before uni. Now he’s a tactile mess.

“Love you, Jim,” Phil says, his voice wobbly. Jimmy huffs a laugh.

“Love you too, Phil.”

It’s 3am by the time they all stumble back to their rooms. Jimmy made sure they all drank some water before they went to bed, and Phil knows in his foggy mind that he’ll be grateful for that in the morning.

Jimmy and PJ are back in their rooms first, and Phil thinks he can feel the tension between himself and Dan. They stand together, outside their doors, in silence for a couple of seconds. Dan reaches out a hand and Phil takes it without hesitation, threading their fingers together. He wants to kiss that hand. He wants to bring it to his mouth and kiss Dan’s knuckles _so bad_ , but he knows that he’s not thinking straight. Not that he’s ever thinking straight. A laugh escapes his mouth at the joke in his head, and suddenly Dan is laughing with him.

“What?” he says after a second. Phil shakes his head, his shoulders still shaking with laughter. He looks down at their hands, and thinks again about kissing Dan’s. Somewhere, some sensible part of his brain reminds him of what he really wants. He wants to be sober the first time he feels Dan’s hands on his lips. He wants to be able to feel it and remember it with no haze or fog. So he gives Dan’s hand a gentle squeeze, whispers a “good night”, and disappears into his room, leaving Dan alone in the corridor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter! im uploading this half an hour early bc im tired and impatient lmao  
> there's going to be a lil bonus chapter for this one going up on monday so keep an eye out for it!  
> enjoy!

There’s a dull throbbing in Phil’s head when he wakes up. He knows it’s not as bad as it could be, so he’d better thank Jimmy for forcing them all to have that water last night. He stretches his arms above his head and reaches for his glasses and phone. The first thing he notices is the time: it’s twelve thirty. He has a couple of Twitter notifications, and a text from Dan.

**Dan: lol r u alive**

Phil huffs a laugh and rolls over on to his side.

**Phil: Just about I think**

**Dan: k im bringing u coffee**

Phil frowns, but he’s not been awake long enough to really register what Dan has said. He doesn’t really think about it again until he hears a thump on his door, only for it to open to Dan backing into the room, carrying in two mugs of coffee. Dan nearly drops both mugs when he turns around and sees Phil, still shirtless, from where he had stripped down to his boxers in a drunken haze last night. He hasn’t had the time or the brain power to find a shirt, so he lies, dishevelled and shirtless, arms still stretched above his head, while Dan brings him his morning coffee like they’ve been married for ten years.

Dan doesn’t let it shake him for more than a couple of seconds, though, and makes his way over to place the coffee at Phil’s bedside table. Phil almost wants to complete the image, lean up and place a kiss on Dan’s cheek, skootch up and let him in the bed. He doesn’t, though. He pushes himself up the bed a little so he can sit up, and crosses his legs under the duvet. Dan takes the hint and sits down cross-legged on the bed opposite him. He doesn’t miss the way Dan’s eyes keep drifting down to his chest, and he can feel himself going red. He feels a little exposed, sat here in his pants while Dan is fully clad in pyjamas. Dan doesn’t have to know there’s nothing on his legs, though.

“How did you sleep?” Dan asks after a few minutes of silence and sipping of coffee. It’s comfortable. It feels like a routine that’s already been in place for a while, and Phil feels warm and fuzzy over it.

“Pretty okay,” he says, “Head doesn’t hurt too much.” He holds up his mug a little. “Cheers, Jimmy.” Dan laughs and copies the gesture. “What about you?”

“It was okay,” Dan shrugs. “I never sleep so good when I’m drunk. I’ll sleep better tonight, probably.”

“You can always take a nap,” Phil says.

“Ugh, if only,” Dan groans. “I have so much shit to get done today.” He puts a hand over his face and drags it down slowly, pulling his face out of shape as he does so. “I have these three cases to read over and make notes on, and I don’t wanna do that.”

“I have some reading I should probably do, too,” Phil says. “Bring all your stuff in here, and we can keep each other company.”

Dan lights back up at that, and it seems like a solid plan, having a little study session. Phil almost can’t believe how cliché it is, but it’s worth it to just enjoying spending some time with Dan. Productivity is just a bonus.

They split up to shower and get food, and when Phil makes his way into the kitchen, PJ is having lunch.

“He lives!” PJ says dramatically as Phil walks into the room. He gives PJ as much of a grin as he can, and settles about finding some pasta.

“He does,” he agrees.

“So,” PJ says, standing up. Of course there’s no pretence with him.

“So?”

PJ is right next to him then, leaning over the counter into his space.

“What happened between you and Dan last night?”

“What do you mean?” Phil asks. PJ raises an eyebrow. “Don't look at me like that, you were right there all night.” He gets a huff and an eye roll from PJ. 

“Not in the kitchen, Phil, _after_.”

“What do you mean, after?”

“I mean how me and Jimmy left you two in the hallway by yourselves, and the next thing we know, Dan’s in the kitchen making you coffee for when you wake up.” He gives Phil a pointed look. “Did you guys… y’know… last night…” Phil frowns, catching on to PJ’s implications.

“PJ,” he says sternly, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. “Do you really think I’d do that?” he’s quickly becoming annoyed now. “Dan means more to me than sex.”

“I know, Phil, but-”

“I’m not trying to get in his pants, Peej, what the fuck? Who do you think I am?”

“Phil!” PJ says, reaching out to take Phil’s shoulders and turn him. “I _know_. But you guys were pretty drunk, and you were… sort of all over each other all night. Is it really so unlikely for something like that to accidentally happen?”

“Yes.”

He gently pushes PJ aside to start putting food together in a pan. He’s frustrated, he’s tired. The last thing he wants is for his best friend to start making accusations about him and Dan.

“I’m sorry, Phil,” PJ says after a few minutes of silence. “I just… I see this shit happening and I feel like I have to ask.”

“Well you don’t.” He carries on with what he’s doing, trying not to let the anger rising in his gut get to him. “You know the situation better than to really think I’d just let that happen,” he says quietly. “You know _me_ better than that.”

He hears PJ sigh and doesn’t wait for a real response.

“Just because I’m drunk, it doesn’t mean I’m going to make stupid decisions like that.”

“I guess so,” PJ says quietly. “I’m sorry.”

Phil sighs.

“It’s okay,” he says eventually. He hates how much they’ve been having these little arguments recently. He knows PJ is just trying to be a good best friend, but it’s not as simple as PJ wants it to be.

“Love you, Philly,” PJ says quietly, reaching over to shove Phil gently in the arm.

“Love you too, Peej,” Phil says begrudgingly. He gives PJ as big a smile as he can muster, and feels the tension slowly begin to leave the air around them.

They eat their lunch together quietly, but Phil doesn’t mind. It’s nice to be able to do things in comfortable silence with PJ. It feels like normality.

“So, what are you doing with your day?” PJ asks after a few minutes of quiet.

“Gonna do some studying with Dan,” Phil says. PJ grins and Phil can tell he’s holding back a joke.

“Oh, fun,” he says, instead of whatever he’s holding in.

“You can join us if you want.” He regrets saying it the second it’s out of his mouth, but the look PJ gives him tells him it’s understood.

“I’m not gonna interrupt whatever’s going on there,” PJ says. “You two have your disgusting study date, and you can tell me all about it afterwards.” Phil smiles gratefully, and softens a little. That’s really the kind of wingman he’d like PJ to be. The kind that watches from the side lines and doesn’t really interfere, but is there afterwards when Phil wants to gush about Dan.

“Thanks, Peej.”

They set up camp in Dan’s room in the end, each with a stack of reading to get through. Dan shuffles a playlist to soften the quiet between them, and with every song that comes on, Phil realises that their music taste is very similar. Nearly every time the song changes, he finds himself listening to a song he knows, and when he doesn’t know them he enjoys them. Every now and then the studying is interrupted as Phil asks about the song playing and who the band is, and Dan tells Phil a little story about how he knows the song and what it means to him.

“It’s kind of crazy,” Phil says, after about half an hour of quiet reading between them. Dan looks up from his desk.

“What?”

“We’re just so similar,” he shrugs. “It’s weird how we grew up on opposite sides of the country and we’re just…”

“The same person?” Dan grins. Phil huffs a laugh.

“Exactly.” He sits in silence another couple of seconds. “It’s a good job we found each other,” he says, so quietly he thinks Dan might not have heard him. But Dan looks up at him with what looks like gentle wonderment, before it turns into a beautiful smile.

“I’m so glad I found you, Phil,” he says softly. It makes Phil’s heart ache. Every now and then, Dan gives Phil a hint that things haven’t been so easy for him, and it hurts Phil to see it. He wants to make Dan feel safe, he wants to make Dan sure that things will be better now, because they’ve found each other.

“What are you thinking?” Dan asks. Phil looks up.

“Just…” he sighs. He doesn’t want to keep avoiding telling Dan about what’s going on in his head. But he’s also scared to hear any of the answers to the questions going round in his head about Dan’s life before he came here. “I worry sometimes. That things… haven’t always been good for you.”

“They haven’t,” Dan says softly, sadly. “But you know what?”

“What?” Phil asks.

“Things are being pretty good to me right now.” He smiles and Phil smiles with him.

“Good.”

They carry on working diligently until the evening, when they decide they’ve done enough working to warrant ordering pizza. They text PJ and Jimmy to ask if they want in, and start having a look at the menu.

**PJ: nah mate you lads enjoy your pizza date ;)**

Phil rolls his eyes and locks his phone before Dan can see, and turns back to his laptop screen.

“Okay, well Texas barbecue is objectively the best pizza,” Phil says as they scroll past it. Dan looks up with a grin.

“You’re absolutely right,” he says. “Beaten only by the sizzler.”

“Yeah, I’ll give you that,” Phil says. He watches Dan pick out some sides and a horrendous amount of dips, frowning at him the entire time.

“Listen,” Dan says, holding up a hand to stop Phil before he gets started. “What is the point of having wedges if there’s nothing to dip them in?” Phil shrugs. “You want any dips?”

“Just barbecue, please,” Phil says quietly. Dan laughs.

“You’re a dip peasant,” he tells Phil matter-of-factly.

“I’ll take it,” Phil says with a grin.

When the pizza arrives, it’s getting dark, so Phil sits on the bed and waits while Dan sets his room into Cool Mode. There’s more lamps in here than Phil first thought, and he feels strangely lucky to see the transformation happen.

When Dan settles back on the bed, the soft lighting is catching on his facial features, lighting up the pale freckles that dot over his face and the rosy patch that has made an appearance on his cheek. He looks so pretty in this soft atmosphere, Phil thinks, and he has to remind himself that there’s a pizza to be eaten.

They sit cross-legged opposite each other on the bed, and open the box to reveal their pizza. Phil’s the first to take a slice, and he opts for Texas barbecue, because he knows in his heart he’ll always be a sweet over savoury kind of guy. He watches Dan take a slice of the sizzler, and bite into it. He stops for a second, savours the bite, and takes a deep breath.

“Are you… crying?” Phil asks with a laugh. Dan nods and looks up at Phil.

“It’s been _months_ ,” he whines, “I was never built to go this long without Domino’s!” Phil rolls his eyes.

“I understand,” he says solemnly. “You better enjoy it while you can, this is expensive stuff.”

They finish off the pizza and sides in comfortable quiet, and Phil thinks that this is all he could ever need. Days of working with Dan, with pizza as a treat at the end of it. It’s been a good day, and he feels fonder of Dan, fonder of their friendship.

“God, I can’t move,” Phil says, flopping back on Dan’s bed and starfishing as best as he can. Dan laughs, giving his leg a shove when it begins to invade his space. He gets up and walks over to his desk, where his keyboard is sat.

“Wanna listen to me play for a bit, then?” he asks as he runs his fingers across the keys.

“Always,” Phil says.

He closes his eyes as Dan begins to play the start of a song he doesn’t recognise. It’s beautiful, though, and he lets himself focus entirely on whatever song is playing. He hears a couple of hisses from Dan and knows that there must be some notes that aren’t quite right in there, but he can’t tell. It all sounds beautiful to him. He’s not sure whether he likes piano music enough to just lie here and enjoy it, or whether it’s specifically because Dan is playing that’s making him feel so relaxed and safe.

He hears the music stop and opens his eyes, sticking his head up. He’s met by Dan watching him fondly, and he flops his head back down again. He’s not sure he can cope with seeing Dan looking at him like that.

“You okay there?” Dan asks. Phil just hums in response. He hears a little laugh, before the music starts again.

He lies there for what feels like hours, slowly getting more and more tired. He’s been holding back yawns for a little while now. He doesn’t want to leave this room, this safe little space they’ve made. It’s comfortable here, homely. And this is where Dan is, so this is where Phil wants to stay. He does yawn then, though, and once he’s started, Dan is quick to follow. It’s a lot earlier than usual for them to be getting tired, he knows, but he thinks he can put it down to the amount of work they’ve done today.

“Getting tired?” Dan asks, looking round at Phil.

“A bit,” Phil says reluctantly.

“You wanna go to sleep?” he asks. Phil thinks he might be able to detect something like sadness in his voice. Maybe he doesn’t want this to end, either.

“Maybe that’s a good idea,” Phil says eventually. He heaves himself up from where he’s been lying on his bed, and looks over at Dan. They’re silent for a second, just watching each other. When it feels like nothing is going to happen, though, Phil stands up.

“Night,” he says quietly, almost silently. He begins to move towards the door, slowly, stiffly. He feels like there’s something in the air tonight, something that’s begging to be said. He’s not sure what it is. He’s reaching out for the door handle when Dan speaks up.

“Wait.” Phil’s hand drops. He turns back to face Dan. Dan, who looks like a deer in the headlights, who looks like he wants to say something a bit terrifying. Phil sees his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows.

“What?” Phil asks softly. He thinks if he speaks too loudly, it’ll break the atmosphere in here. Dan looks at his feet, then back at Phil.

“Stay here tonight?”

Phil thinks practically for a second. He looks over at Dan’s bed. Tiny. There’s barely enough space for one ridiculously tall, gangly boy in there, let alone two of them. They’d have to cuddle to fit properly, he thinks. They’d have to be almost on top of each other. He’s not sure he’s ready for that. He’s not sure he could even really handle it. It’s a bit of a leap from where they’ve been these past few days. He looks back up at Dan.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here is the [bonus chapter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24248377) for this fic!
> 
> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	22. Chapter 22

When Phil wakes up, he’s warm. Warmer than usual. He opens his eyes slowly, with a quiet groan, to see fluffy, slightly curly brown hair in front of his eyes. Dan. Phil lets himself remember last night slowly and gently, waking up as he does. His eyes wander down Dan’s form, only half-covered by the duvet. He must’ve been warm in the night, too.

Dan’s side rises and falls gently and evenly, so he must still be asleep. Phil’s grateful he’s facing away from him, then; he could barely cope with seeing that soft, relaxed expression when it was on the other side of his big childhood bedroom from him, let alone right in front of his eyes, here on this tiny bed. He closes his eyes again for a second and lets himself imagine waking up to see every detail on Dan’s face, seeing every freckle, those dimples, that rosy patch. He imagines feeling every breath on his face, seeing delicate eyes closed, that face completely relaxed.

It’s not until Phil goes to shift a little that he realises his arm is still slung over Dan’s side. Maybe they didn’t move in the night at all. Maybe their bodies slotted together and decided that was the perfect place for them both. He tenses for a second, thinking about removing his arm. But there was no problem last night, when they were both awake, so he relaxes again. It feels right, and it makes his stomach flip. His hand is hanging over Dan’s stomach, but Phil gently pulls his arm back a little so he can brush his fingers over Dan’s shirt. He closes his eyes and lets his hand wander for a couple of minutes. A thumb swiping across Dan’s side, a little scratch of fingertips over Dan’s tummy. One finger catches the skin on his waist where his shirt has begun to ride up, and he lets himself gently brush over it a few times. Dan shuffles a little, and Phil smiles despite himself.

When he opens his eyes again, all he can think about is the curly hair at the nape of Dan’s neck, and how much he wants to thread his fingers through it. He thinks about the other night, about Dan’s hair between his fingers, how soft it was, how nice Dan said it was. He gently pulls his arm from Dan’s side and reaches for the hair in front of his face. It’s softer than the other night somehow and Phil easily cards his hand through it. He pauses when Dan shifts again, a hum coming from his throat, stretching with a twist through his middle. Phil’s hand doesn’t leave Dan’s hair, though. Dan settles again and for a second Phil thinks he might still be asleep.

“Why’d you stop?” he hears after a moment of silence. He hesitates.

“Is it okay?” he murmurs shyly, after a second.

“What do you think?” Dan’s voice is low, gravelly. It’s hot.

Phil smiles, ducks his head, and begins to move his fingers again. He finds himself thinking back to the other night once more, to how he had wanted to tug and scratch, and how he couldn’t in fear of worsening Dan’s headache. There’s no headache now, though, so he doesn’t stop himself. He tightens his fingers around Dan’s hair and gives it the tiniest tug, watching Dan’s back arch as he leans into it. Emboldened by that reaction, Phil moves his fingers until his nails find Dan’s scalp, and he begins to scritch-scratch there. Dan lets out a little whine then, and leans his head right back like a cat. Phil laughs quietly, and keeps going until Dan begins to roll over. They lie facing each other for a couple of seconds, grinning, and Phil was right. He can’t handle this.

“Hello, you,” Dan says eventually. His voice is still thick and gruff with sleep, and Phil thinks he might melt right now.

“Morning,” he whispers back when he’s found his voice. He doesn’t know what his hands should be doing, now that they’re not in Dan’s hair. He looks down at them, and then across at Dan’s hands. He’s not trying to hint that he’d like to hold them, not really, but Dan seems to interpret it like that anyway and Phil’s not complaining. Dan reaches out a hand, threads his fingers through Phil’s. There’s that feeling again, where he wants to bring Dan’s hands to his lips and kiss gently along those knuckles. There’s nothing really to stop him now. They’re not drunk. There’s no haze, no fear of forgetting the details. He’s not going to be able to forget this morning in a hurry. But it doesn’t feel right yet. He’s worried that if he rushes, something bad could happen. This is a slow process. But Phil’s getting impatient. He feels like he’s drifting from enjoying the ride to becoming the kid in the backseat, asking “are we there yet?” They’re not, he knows they’re not. Not quite.

They lie there like that for a little while, hands intertwined, just talking. It feels like normality in a way Phil can’t quite place, and it makes him think of a time in the future when this could be the daily routine, waking up next to each other and just basking in Dan’s presence for a while before they have to move. He looks back down at their hands, at the way they slot together so well. He squeezes a little, rubs his thumb across the back of Dan’s hand.

When he looks back up from their hands, he finds his eyes meeting with Dan’s, who must’ve been watching him all this time. He feels himself going red under Dan’s gaze, but he can’t pull his eyes away. After a few seconds, Dan tugs gently on Phil’s hand, and he looks down again.

“What?” he whispers.

“I’m gonna go shower,” Dan says quietly. “Any chance you wanna make us some coffee?”

Phil hums.

“I guess it’s my turn, huh?”

“Yep,” Dan says, giving another tug on Phil’s hand and rolling over, heaving himself out of bed. Phil is reluctant to let go of that hand, but he lets Dan slip away from him anyway. They both get up to pull on their jeans and Phil watches Dan leave before he checks his phone and leaves to go to the kitchen. He has a text from PJ, but he decides that it can be answered later.

Of course, PJ is in the kitchen when Phil walks in.

“Where have you been?” PJ asks as he sees Phil walk in.

“What d’you mean?” Phil asks, grabbing two mugs.

“You weren’t in your room.”

“Walking in without knocking again, were you?”

“You always lock your door when you leave the flat,” PJ says with a frown. “Where were you?”

“Uh.” He swallows. “I was in Dan’s room.” He can feel himself going red, so he keeps his back firmly turned away from PJ.

“This early in the morning? What for?” he asks. “Normally you’re both asleep.”

“Um. Well.” He takes a deep breath. “I stayed there last night.”

“Phil Lester,” PJ says, and Phil can hear the smirk in his voice. He chances a look over his shoulder to see PJ stood, arms folded, eyebrow raised. “And now you’re making him coffee?”

“It’s my turn,” Phil shrugs.

“Your turn,” PJ says, walking over to bump Phil’s shoulder with his own. “How domestic of you.” Phil rolls his eyes. He keeps quiet, but PJ crowds his space, leaning against the counter with a grin. “So what happened?”

“When?” Phil asks, leaning exaggeratedly past PJ to get to the sugar in his cupboard.

“Last night, idiot,” PJ laughs. “You can’t tell me something like that and then leave out the details.”

“Nothing really _happened_ , Peej,” Phil says.

“I don’t believe that for a second.”

“I mean, I guess stuff did happen,” Phil says with a frown. “But like. Nothing like _that_.”

“Like what?”

“Like what you’re implying.”

“I’m not implying anything,” PJ says, holding his hands up in surrender. “I’m just curious. Did you sleep in his bed?”

“Obviously,” he says with a slight grumble in his voice.

“Well there you go then.” Phil thinks that might be the end of it, but PJ carries on. “How did you both fit? Those beds are a bit small for two people, aren’t they?”

Phil mutters the answer under his breath, hoping that PJ might drop it.

“You what?” he says with a grin. Phil can feel himself going red again.

“We spooned,” he squeaks. PJ’s face breaks out into a huge grin.

“You _spooned_ , and you have the audacity to tell me nothing happened?” he laughs, wrapping an arm round Phil’s shoulder. “You’re a fucking idiot, Philly.”

Phil picks up his mugs to leave the kitchen again before any other questions can be asked, but PJ is too quick for him.

“Big or little?”

“What?”

“Spoon, Phil,” PJ says, shaking his head. “Were you the big or little spoon?”

“Big,” Phil says, almost silently. PJ hears it though, Phil can tell by the smirk that covers his face.

“Yeah, you gotta protect your man.” He’s going red again, and he goes again for the door. “Phil?”

PJ sounds like he might have more to contribute than just teasing and interrogation, so Phil stops and looks back at him.

“You guys really aren’t together yet?”

Phil shakes his head.

“Will you tell me when you are?” his voice sounds small, sad. Phil softens, puts the mugs down on the side, and opens his arms for PJ. They stand in a tight hug for what feels like an age, before Phil turns his head to press a kiss to PJ’s curls.

“You’re gonna be the first person I tell,” he whispers into PJ’s ear. He can tell there’s still a little uncertainty there, something like insecurity about their friendship. But talking to PJ has felt good, albeit embarrassing, and Phil wants to burst with how happy he is that they seem to be okay again. He gives PJ one last tight squeeze before they let each other go, and leaves with the two coffees.

When Phil gets back to Dan’s room with their coffees, Dan is dressed, hair still wet and curly. Phil didn’t think it was possible for him to look softer, but the loose curls just add to the picture in a way that makes Phil’s chest ache.

Dan gives him a smile when their eyes meet, and Phil places Dan’s mug on the bedside table, settling himself on Dan’s bed.

“Curly hair suits you, you know,” Phil says after a couple of seconds. Dan frowns at him.

“In what universe?”

“Every universe.”

“Hmm,” Dan picks up his towel and begins to dry his hair. He stops after a couple of seconds, and his curls are wilder and messier. “You’re just biased.”

“In what way?” Phil asks. He’s grinning, and he can feel his tongue poking out between his teeth a little. He knows _exactly_ what way, and clearly Dan does too. It makes Phil’s stomach flip.

He can feel the tension between them rising again, so he downs his coffee and excuses himself to the shower. He’s a little scared of what’s happening, still. He’s not sure why. Maybe it’s just that he’s not done this before. They’ve just got to get past this final layer of fear, before they get down to what they both really want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soo i tried to write something a little different for this chapter! exploring someone else's pov was one of my fav things to try and i hope yall enjoy it!!

Jimmy’s in the kitchen cooking eggs when he hears the door open behind him. He twists around quickly to see Dan, and smiles.

“Morning.” He’s quick to notice the brightness in Dan’s face, the rosiness in his cheeks. “You look happy this morning.”

The smile that covers Dan’s face, the duck of his head, tells Jimmy he’s right.

“Maybe I am,” Dan says quietly.

“What’s the occasion?” he pours his scrambled eggs on to the plate of toast next to him and turns to give Dan his full attention. Dan is blushing a little more than before, and Jimmy raises his eyebrows.

“There’s been a, uh… development,” he says, his voice lowered instinctively. “With Phil.”

“Oh?” Jimmy grins. He loves hearing about Dan and how things are progressing with Phil. He always wanted a little brother, someone to take under his wing and be there for, help along the way, and he’s really found that in his friendship with Dan. It warms his heart in a way nothing ever has before. They make their way over to the breakfast bar and perch on their respective stools. “Tell me everything.”

“He spent the night in my bed,” Dan begins. Jimmy gives a little clap, and holds out a hand for Dan to hold, picking up a slice of toast and egg with the other. Dan takes his hand gladly. “Nothing really happened, but… this morning I woke up with his hand in my hair.”

“Oh God,” Jimmy says. His mouth is half full of toast and egg, but he can’t help but show his support.

“He was like, scratching it and pulling it a little, and-”

“Kinky,” Jimmy interrupts with a cheeky smirk. Dan swats at him gently and he laughs.

“It felt really good, Jim,” Dan says quietly, shyly. “It felt right.” Jimmy gives Dan’s hand a quick squeeze of encouragement and lets him continue. “We were like… holding hands, and then when I got up he felt like he wasn’t gonna let go.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it bad for each other,” Jimmy says. He wishes it were that simple for Dan, though. They’ve had enough heart-to-hearts by now to know that it isn’t. “How are you feeling on the… liking a boy front, though?”

Dan sighs, and looks down at their hands.

“I think I’m getting there,” he says. “I mean, it’s scary, still, but… it feels right with Phil, you know? It feels good.” Jimmy smiles. He wants nothing other than happiness for Dan, and watching Dan slowly grow to accept himself and his feelings is something that makes him immensely happy. 

“I get it,” he tells Dan. “Are you gonna say anything to him?”

Dan shrugs.

“I just… how am I supposed to know I’m reading this right? What if he’s not really into me?”

“Dan, I’m gonna be real with you.” Jimmy puts his slice of toast down, leaning forward and taking Dan's other hand in his own. “He spent the night in your bed, he played with your hair in your sleep, and he didn’t want to let you leave. Either he’s very into you, or he needs a punch in the fucking face.”

Dan laughs, and Jimmy smiles with him. He knows how it feels, to be so unsure of everything, to not know whether the signs are right, to know that confessing your feelings is so much worse when you’re not sure if the other person is gay. But Jimmy knows Phil. He sees the way he looks at Dan, and he knows there’s nothing but affection there, affection and something else that might one day be love. He knows there’s no malice there, no intent to lead Dan on. It’s not something that could be faked, or just for show. What they have is pure, and sweet, and Jimmy just desperately wants to see them both happy.

It’s not long before PJ and Phil emerge from their rooms, and they begin to discuss their day plans. It’s PJ who suggests a flat outing, and the others all agree. Lunches are scrounged together by those who haven’t eaten, and then they’re off. Something in their group dynamic has shifted though, Jimmy realises, when Dan and Phil end up walking together, and PJ appears next to him. They’re a way behind the other two, and they’re out of earshot when PJ strikes up conversation.

“They’re disgusting, aren’t they?” he says. Jimmy looks over.

“Hm?”

“Those two.” Jimmy’s not oblivious, but he’s not sure how much PJ knows, and he’s not about to out Dan.

“They are cute,” Jimmy agrees, because he knows it’s obvious that they have feelings for each other, knowledge about either of their sexualities aside.

“They’re just taking so long getting their shit together,” PJ says, a little huff in his voice.

“Don’t you think it’s sweet?” Jimmy says. “They’re not rushing, they’re just going at their own pace.”

“It’s infuriating,” PJ says with a laugh. “They’re so obviously into each other, I don’t understand why they don’t cut the crap.”

“It’s not crap,” Jimmy says gently. “There’s nothing wrong with them taking their time.”

“I guess not,” PJ says with a shrug. “I don’t know, they just like each other so much. I don’t get it.”

“I think there’s more to it than what you’re seeing, Peej,” Jimmy says. PJ looks over. “It’s not my place to talk about it, but they have stuff they’re working through. The way they’re just being patient and waiting for each other, in my opinion? It makes them perfect for each other.”

“You’re just as gross as they are,” PJ jokes, but Jimmy hears no malice in his voice. “Are we gonna have to play matchmaker, do you think?”

“There’s no need,” Jimmy says. “Look at them. They both know their feelings are mutual, when it really comes down to it. They’re gonna be fine.”

They settle back into comfortable silence, but Jimmy feels a newfound fondness for PJ. He’s very impatient, but behind that he really wants the best for Phil. He seems like he doesn’t quite know how to express it, but that’s okay. He’s open to understanding, and it makes Jimmy happy to think this is the person at Phil’s side, while he is at Dan’s.

A little ways ahead of them, they hear Dan laugh loudly at something Phil said. Jimmy grins softly, and he hears PJ sigh a little beside him.

“You okay?” he asks.

“I’m just a little nervous,” PJ says. “I don’t know, it’s always been me and Phil and Chris against the world, you know? But now Phil has Dan, and… I just don’t want things to change. I don’t want to lose my best friend.”

Jimmy reaches out a fist and bumps PJ in the shoulder.

“It’s okay, you know?” he says gently. “Phil loves you, and he’s found something new with Dan, but that doesn’t mean what he has with you goes away, yeah? It’s not a replacement. You’re not being pushed out of your spot. You’ve just got someone new sharing the space.”

PJ looks up at him then, something in his eyes that Jimmy can’t place.

“You’re pretty smart,” he says eventually. Jimmy huffs a laugh.

“Uni’s really working out for me then.”

“You seemed like you were having a good time today,” Jimmy says when they’re back and it’s only him and Dan left in the kitchen. A blush dusts along Dan’s cheeks, and Jimmy smiles. There’s his answer.

“It was fun,” Dan says quietly. “We’re so similar, Jim, it’s like we were always meant to meet.” Jimmy smiles, putting on the kettle to make some tea.

“I’m really glad, Dan,” he says.

“I think…” Dan swallows. “I think I wanna tell him.” Jimmy looks up, his eyebrows raised.

“You’re sure you’re ready? You know he’ll wait for you if you’re not, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” Dan says. “That’s the good thing about it, you know? If I tell him, but I decide I’m still not ready for… a relationship, I guess, I know he’s gonna respect it. He’s so good, Jim.” Jimmy can’t help but smile. He remembers what it’s like, going through this phase of knowing something’s going to happen, and how it’s only a matter of time. It reminds him of himself and Tom, and his heart aches for his own boyfriend.

“He really is,” Jimmy says quietly.

“What?” Dan asks. Jimmy smiles. Maybe they really have been bonding, if Dan can pick up on Jimmy’s subtle melancholy.

“It’s just… seeing you and Phil, it… it makes me really happy,” Jimmy begins. “But it really reminds me of me and Tom, in the beginning, you know? I miss him a lot.”

It’s Dan’s turn to offer Jimmy some comfort then, and he lifts an arm for Jimmy to slip under from his seat.

“I get it,” he says gently, squeezing Jimmy from the side gently. “You should invite him over sometime soon. Maybe we could have a double date.”

Jimmy grins at that.

“That would imply you and Phil going on a date alone some time too,” Jimmy says. When he and Dan make eye contact he’s smirking, and Dan just looks at the floor, blushing. “Really though, Dan. I’m so proud of you. You deserve to be happy.” Dan leans in and gives Jimmy a gentle, tentative kiss on the forehead.

“Thanks, Jim,” he says gently. “So do you.”

Phil walks in then, and stops when he sees them, awkwardly side-hugging.

“Oh, sorry,” he says, “I’m not, uh, interrupting, am I?”

“I think you just caught the end of it,” Jimmy says with a smile. “You’re all good, mate.”

“Thanks,” Phil says. “Am I allowed to steal Dan away for a bit?”

“I don’t know,” Jimmy says, turning to Dan. “Would you like to be stolen away?”

“Wouldn’t be opposed,” Dan giggles. Jimmy turns back to Phil, gives him a little wink. Phil blushes a little and ducks his head. They really are ridiculous.

“I was just gonna make some hot chocolate, Dan,” Phil says. “If you want some? And then maybe we could watch some Buffy or something.”

“Or something,” Dan says, with a somewhat shy, somewhat cheeky grin. Jimmy raises his eyebrows. He must be feeling bold.

“What about you, Jim?” Phil asks. “You want a Kath Lester hot chocolate?”

“No one makes them like Mama Lester,” Jimmy says. Phil busies himself, and when he’s done he passes Jimmy and Dan their hot chocolates.

“I’ll, uh, go set up,” Phil says. “Catch you in a bit?” he asks Dan.

“Yeah,” Dan all but whispers. Then he’s gone, and Jimmy is gently jostling Dan from the side.

“Or something?” he says with a laugh. Dan is beet red, and looking at the ground. But when he and Jimmy look at each other again, Jimmy can see something new in his eyes. Something a little determined.

“Or something,” Dan confirms. “I wanna do it tonight, Jim.” He looks like he might bounce off the walls, and his energy is contagious. Jimmy grins at him, and pulls him in for a proper hug. When they pull away, Dan is ready to go. Jimmy gives a tug on his arm as he pulls away.

“Hey.” Dan looks at him, and he gives Dan a wink, like he thinks a supportive older brother should. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”

Dan gives him a blinding smile, and then he’s off. And Jimmy feels nothing but overwhelming pride for his little brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the saga of: abie has no self-restraint and reached her limit of being able to hold off from posting this chapter!  
> also starting from today i'm going to be uploading 3 times a week! i have a few chapters coming up that are like,, they would be bonus chapters but the fic wouldnt flow right without it so theyre going up as normal chapters of this fic, uploaded on bonus fic days (does that make sense? probably not lol) so when i took that into account it doesn't really make that much of a difference to my upload schedule to do that sooo here we are  
> so on that note, new update days will be monday, wednesday and saturday!  
> anyways i hope yall like this chapter as much as i do

Phil is sat on his bed, feeling a little nauseated while his laptop loads, when there’s a knock at the door. He knows who it is. He’s not normally this nervous, but tonight is the night he’s going to address what’s going on here. Things just felt so right today, for the last few days. It’s finally starting to feel like they’re in the right place to discuss this thing between them.

Normally he would just shout for Dan to come in, but that feels wrong when he can already feel so much riding on tonight. He gets up, wrings his hands a little, and walks to the door. He pulls it open, and there’s Dan. Dan, holding his steaming mug of hot chocolate close to his face with both hands and looking shyly up at Phil. He looks how Phil feels, almost like he knows what’s coming just as well as Phil does. It takes a lot of restraint not to screw his plans, and kiss Dan right here, right now. But he refrains, averts his eyes to give himself some more strength, and smiles as he looks back up.

“Hey,” he says softly.

“Hey,” Dan echoes. They stand there staring at each other for a second before Phil remembers he has to step aside and let Dan in. He feels stiff and robotic as he follows Dan over to the bed, where they slot into their normal positions, ready for some Buffy watching. Phil wonders if Dan can really tell something is different, if he’s aware of Phil’s anxiety, if he knows what it means. If he does feel the energy Phil is giving off he doesn’t mention it, and Phil isn’t sure if that’s a mercy or not.

There’s definitely a tension in the room, heavy and ready to break. Phil finds the episode they’re up to, and lets the DVD load. He and Dan have barely said a word to each other, and he feels the desperate need to fill the silence, to kill the awkwardness between them.

“This is one of the good ones,” he tells Dan as they wait for the episode.

“You say that every time,” Dan says with a raise of his eyebrows. His voice is soft, a little tentative. Phil thinks maybe Dan _can_ feel it too, the change between them, the air of something about to happen.

“And I’m right,” he says indignantly. Dan doesn’t answer, just gives Phil a pitiful laugh and shakes his head fondly. His dimple makes a pretty display, and Phil realises then that if all goes well tonight, he might actually get his chance to lean over and press a gentle kiss to the side of Dan’s mouth. Of course, he has to actually talk to Dan about this first. There’s the difficult bit.

Buffy loads quickly after that, and they descend into silence again to watch the episode. Something is definitely happening between them, because Dan’s head never finds its way on to Phil’s shoulder. He doesn’t notice at first, but when he goes to lean his head on to Dan’s, he finds that it isn’t in its usual space. He frowns, and when he turns his head he finds Dan watching him intently. The look they share tells him that this is the right time to say something. And that’s a lot more terrifying now than it was to half an hour ago, but he knows if he doesn’t say something tonight he won’t forgive himself, and he might not get another opportunity that feels as right as this.

“Dan,” he begins.

“So,” Dan says at the same time, and they each break eye contact for a little giggle.

“You go,” Dan says after a couple of seconds.

“Well, I… I wanted to talk to you about something.” Dan averts his eyes again, and Phil catches a glimpse of something in them as they go, something like worry, and it makes his chest hurt.

“Oh,” he says quietly, looking at his hands. “Me too, actually.”

“Yeah?” he says.

“Yeah.” Dan looks up at Phil with a smile. “You’re still going first, though.” Phil huffs a laugh.

“Okay.” He looks at his hands, then over at Dan. “So, uh. I’ve been thinking.”

“You do that a lot.”

“I do,” Phil says with a little chuckle, attempting to curb his nerves. “But, I was really thinking about how I could tell you about all this shit. All the stuff I’ve been thinking about.”

“Oh,” Dan says, looking up at Phil with a frown. “It’s okay, you know, I don’t mind. If you’re not ready to talk about it, I don’t want-”

“So I’m gay,” Phil says, before he can talk himself out of it. Dan stops. Phil takes a deep breath, and when he looks up he meets Dan’s eyes.

“Phil, that’s…” he takes a breath and looks down. “That’s great.”

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “And, uh, that’s not all of it, but. I don’t know, what did you wanna say?”

“Well,” Dan says, laughing quietly. “Uh, me too. I’m, uh, gay.” He huffs another laugh, this one sad and a little bitter. “I guess it’s still pretty scary to say out loud.” Phil nods and looks over at him.

“It is scary,” he agrees. “I guess, if you, uh. Wanna talk about it…” He feels awkward and stiff in a way that he never has around Dan before, and part of him wants to push this aside, get this out the way so they can get to the part where they’re both sure of each other, both happy.

“It’s just… never been a good thing until now,” Dan says quietly.

“Did something change?” Phil asks. Dan’s eyes meet his again and he gets a small, shy smile.

“What else did you want to say, Phil?”

He closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. There’s a hand on his arm then, and when he opens his eyes Dan is a little closer, his eyes a little softer. His hand gives Phil’s arm a gentle squeeze. He has to say it, and he has to say it _now_.

“Dan, I…” his words catch in his throat for a second, and he looks away. “I feel like there’s something happening here. With us.”

He doesn’t look back up out of fear. He’s been telling himself that he’s been reading things right, but now that he’s said it out loud he can’t bear to meet Dan’s eyes, because what if he’s been wrong all this time?

“I feel that too,” Dan all but whispers. Phil almost thinks he imagined it, but then there’s another squeeze on his arm, a thumb swiping gently across his skin. “Phil?”

He does look up then, just in time to see relief wash over Dan’s face. He can’t help but smile too, but he’s not done. That’s not the end of what he wants to say. He feels a little bolder now though, so he moves his other hand over to tentatively reach for Dan’s. He’s terrified, but then Dan’s hand closes the gap and they link fingers, just the way Phil is starting to get familiar with. He wants to completely memorise the way that Dan’s hand fits in his, the way their fingers curl together, the way Dan’s thumb brushes over his knuckles. But first, they have to have this conversation.

“Are we… are you…” he frowns, but Dan squeezes his hand. “Are we gonna let it happen?”

“Is that what you want?” Dan’s voice is so quiet, so gentle. Like this thing between them will break if they talk too loud. Phil nods.

“I really like you, Dan,” he says. It’s louder than he intended, but it’s certain, and that matters more to him. Dan ducks his head, but Phil follows his movement, trying to gauge his expression. When he finally looks back up at Phil, he’s grinning like he doesn’t want to hide it. That little rosy patch appears to be in overdrive, and his dimples are carving cute marks into each squishy cheek. Phil wants to kiss them. He _really_ wants to kiss them, and he realises that it’s not just a possibility any more. Some time soon, he’s going to be able to press his lips to those cheeks, those lips, those hands.

“I, uh,” Dan starts. “I really like you too.” He hasn’t stopped grinning, but he looks a little shier, more vulnerable. It would make Phil’s chest hurt if it wasn’t so fucking cute. He’s not really sure what to do with himself now, though. He’s still holding Dan’s hand, but it doesn’t feel like anywhere near enough for what he’s feeling right now. But he doesn’t know the rules. He doesn’t know if he’s allowed to hug Dan, or kiss him. Kissing him seems a lot more terrifying now than it did before all these confessions, when it was all hypothetical. Now that it’s actually on the cards it’s a different story. But Dan squeezes Phil’s hand, and reaches up with his other to trace lines across his forearm with his nails. Phil sighs, and shifts a little so he can lean on Dan’s shoulder. Dan’s fingers don’t let up, and he closes his eyes.

“S’nice,” he says quietly. He feels Dan turn his head and press a careful kiss to his hair, and feels a little shiver down his spine. That’s something he could get used to. Something he _will_ get used to, he reminds himself with a smile.

“Good.”

“Dan,” Phil whispers after a couple of seconds of silence.

“Yeah?”

“Where do we go from here?”

Dan’s hand stops moving and he lets Phil sit up before he pushes the laptop out the way and moves to sit opposite Phil. They both tuck their legs underneath themselves, and Dan reaches out so that Phil can take his other hand.

“Where do you want to go from here?” he asks.

“I…” Phil takes a breath. He knows what he wants to do, even if it is scary. Even if he’s never done it with someone he cared about before. “Can I kiss you?” Sure, he’s kissed people. But it’s only ever been in drunken games of spin the bottle, only ever in a ‘not-gay way’. But now he wants to kiss Dan, and he wants to kiss him in an overwhelmingly gay way. This is a completely new feeling for him, and he’s so scared of screwing it up. But Dan is blushing beautifully, and looking like he’s trying his best not to duck his head, and a part of him is saying that he couldn’t screw it up if he tried.

“Yeah,” Dan says eventually. It’s quiet and shy, but it makes Phil’s stomach flip all the same. He tugs on Dan’s hands, and keeps tugging until Dan gets the message and moves forward. He lets one hand go in favour of moving his own to Dan’s cheek. He really has no clue what he’s doing as he slowly brings Dan’s face towards his own, closing his eyes and pressing his lips to Dan’s.

He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but it feels right. He can feel Dan’s breath on his cheek, the chaps on his lips, the smile that Dan can’t seem to keep off his face. And then Phil is smiling too, and then they’re both laughing, and they have to pull away to stop from kissing each other’s teeth by mistake. Dan is still flushed red, and Phil thinks he must look the same. His hand finds Dan’s again, and they twist together. He squeezes tight, and Dan squeezes back. They’re going to be okay. They’re enjoying the ride.

Buffy ends up being completely forgotten, along with their mugs of now cold hot chocolate. More has shifted between them than Phil expected, but in the best possible way. They can just enjoy each other’s company, without any need to hide the full extent of why that is. It’s right in a way that Phil’s never felt before, overwhelmingly right.

“It’s because of you, you know,” Dan says, after a few minutes of silence. Phil lifts his head from where it’s been lying on Dan’s shoulder to look at him. They still each have one set of hands intertwined, whilst their other hands have begun exploring. Dan’s hand is in Phil’s hair, stroking and raking and making Phil shiver, Phil’s hand tracing delicate shapes on the inside of Dan’s arm. He can feel Dan’s own shivers, and he feels a little in awe of being able to make Dan feel that way. “Being gay isn’t such a bad thing any more, because of you.”

“What do you mean?” Phil asks. He’s not sure what he could’ve done from inside his own closet.

“I just… I came here, and I was so scared, you know? I told myself it was gonna be a fresh start, but…” he takes a breath, shrugging a little, “And then I met you.” He pauses to tug lightly on Phil’s hair. “And you were _so_ cute when I first saw you. And I… couldn’t really take it, I don’t know. I thought it was wrong. And then, you would just smile at me, or laugh at my joke, or let me lean on your shoulder,” he huffs a laugh, “And it just… felt so good inside. Like, warm and fuzzy. I really expected it to feel so bad. I expected to hate it, but I just didn’t. And I guess I just started learning that it’s a good feeling, you know? I always hated that I liked boys as a general concept. But then… I liked a boy and it wasn’t bad or gross. It was just good.” There’s a squeeze on Phil’s hand, and he boldly leans up to press a kiss to Dan’s cheek. Dan smiles then, sweet and shy but still radiant, and he moves his to bump an elbow against Phil. “It _is_ just good.” He looks away for a second and Phil takes his time to really process what Dan has said to him. “It’s not perfect, you know?” he says quietly, looking at their hands. “It’s not all gone away overnight. But it… it feels so good with you, you know? It makes me forget to feel bad.”

“I…” Phil takes a breath, and sits up to properly look at Dan. The hand in his hair follows, and he feels a deep warmth in his stomach to think that Dan is just as needy for physical touch as Phil is. “I’m so glad, Dan. I don’t know what to say, I…” he pauses. He really can’t find a way to express what Dan’s words mean to him, doesn’t know how to tell Dan that he found the same comfort and acceptance in his own feelings for Dan. So instead of trying to find the words, he pulls the hand he’s holding off of Dan’s lap and up to his lips, rubbing his thumb over the back of Dan’s hand before finally, _finally_ pressing a kiss to it. “You’re right,” he says, twisting their fingers a little tighter together. “It is _so_ good.”

Dan leans forward then, the hand in Phil’s hair gently turning Phil’s head. His eyelids are heavy as he looks down at Phil’s lips, and Phil eyes flutter shut as he closes the gap between them. The hand on Dan’s arm moves to find purchase on his waist, and they move with each other for a few seconds. When they pull away from each other it’s reluctant, but it’s with the knowledge that there will be more moments like this. There’s still no rush, and maybe that’s the mantra for this to be built on. They have all the time in the world.

“Hey,” Dan says quietly. “It’s getting late.”

“It is,” Phil nods.

“I should probably get some sleep.” He sounds a little hesitant, but he looks up at Phil and they both know what’s coming. He gives Phil’s hand a squeeze anyway, and stands up, but Phil doesn’t let go. He’s not sure if this is the same pretence lingering around them that they’ve been keeping up for weeks, or if this is just a new step in the strange, intricate dance they’ve been doing all this time. Either way, he knows what’s going to happen now.

“Wait,” he says. Dan looks back at him, a little like he’s trying to hide a smile. “Stay here tonight.” It’s not a question. Dan lets the smile take over his face.

“Okay.” It’s soft and sweet and Phil wants so desperately to chase it with his lips, but he still feels a little shy about that, so he hangs back and mirrors Dan’s smile instead. They sneak out of their room quietly to brush their teeth, and on their way back Dan slips into his own room to grab a pyjama shirt. Phil wants to tell him no, to tug him back into his room and fall asleep next to him with nothing between them, but the shyness is still overbearing. They have time for all that, anyway.

Dan doesn’t knock on his way back into Phil’s room, just gently pushes the door open and peeks inside. Phil is in bed, lying on his side and pressed up against the wall. Dan walks over slowly and it gives Phil a chance to really look at his long legs. As his eyes drag up Dan’s body, they meet Dan’s eyes and see the blush on his face. He just grins sheepishly and pulls back the duvet to let Dan into the bed. As soon as Dan is settled, Phil shuffles down to lie properly next to Dan, and lets his arm tentatively settle along Dan’s stomach. He gathers up what courage he can find, and reaches over to press a kiss to the rosy patch on Dan’s cheek, _finally_. He thinks he’s seen more of it tonight than he has since they’ve known each other, but he’s definitely not complaining. Dan turns his head as Phil moves back to capture his lips in a quick, sweet kiss, before flicking off the light. He rolls over to face Phil and, tucking his arms into his chest, curls as close to Phil as he can. Phil, a little overwhelmed but definitely not complaining, wraps an arm round Dan’s form, rests his head on top of Dan’s, and closes his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	25. Chapter 25

When Phil stirs in the morning, there’s a hand on his side. He’s warm again, but his duvet is pushed back to his waist, and he’s numb in one arm. He can feel Dan next to him, breathing softly. In his just waking up haze, he thinks Dan must be awake already. The hand on his side is slowly making its way under the hem of his shirt to touch his skin. It tickles a bit, but he lies still for a little longer, letting himself bask in the physical affection he’s been craving all this time. Fingers dance lightly along his side, nails catching and scratching every now and then, and he can’t help but huff a little laugh. He hears another laugh in return, and curls in until he can feel Dan’s body against his own. Without opening his eyes, he manages to manoeuvre himself until he’s tucked up under Dan’s chin, so that they’ve swapped places from last night. He can now tell that his numb arm is underneath Dan, and he curls away a little until Dan gets the message and lifts himself enough for Phil to extract it. He can feel that their legs are tangled together under the duvet, and he feels a warmth rush through his chest at the thought that, even in sleep, they were desperate to be as close to each other as possible. He follows that thought and moves back into his position under Dan’s chin, to hear his heartbeat, and feel the slow rise and fall of his chest as he breathes.

“Morning, you,” Dan rumbles quietly. Phil can hear his heart beating fast, and he’s a little jealous that Dan’s keeping himself together so well, when he hasn’t even been able to open his eyes for how overwhelmed he already feels by this. Dan’s hand hasn’t stopped its exploration of Phil’s side, and it still tickles, but he’s doing his best not to squirm away from it. He doesn’t want it to stop.

“Mmph,” Phil says, because the parts of him that are awake are focusing on Dan’s touch, and he doesn’t have any real brainpower to dedicate to speech right now. Dan laughs, a quiet, pretty sound that Phil instantly wants to hear more of. His hands slowly move forward until they meet Dan’s belly, feeling his shirt and the gentle, slightly pudgy skin underneath it. He lets his hands keep going, running apart and around until they are residing on Dan’s sides. He untucks his head from underneath Dan’s then, and groggily looks up to meet Dan’s eyes. He doesn’t want to upset the stillness between them, but he’s not sure how long he can cope without really looking Dan in the face. His eyes are fuzzy and he squints up at Dan a little until one hand leaves Dan’s side to reach for his glasses so that he can properly see him.

“Morning,” he croaks eventually, when he can see a little better and when his head isn’t so foggy. Dan smiles softly, running his hand gently across Phil’s skin again until he softly giggles and starts to squirm away. When he looks back up, his eyes catch on Dan’s lips, softly smiling, lightly parted, and chapped a tiny bit in the middle. He tentatively glances up to see Dan is watching his own lips in return, and when their eyes meet he manages a slightly shy smile. His eyes slip closed and then there are lips on his, moving softly against his own. Somewhere in his stomach, something churns, and he wants to open his mouth, to deepen the kiss. He’s never kissed with any more depth than this before, though, and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Their lips break away from each other for a second, but Dan’s mouth chases his and catches his lips again. He gasps a little into Dan’s mouth, and feels Dan’s own tongue swipe across his lip. He has no idea what to do, so he opens his mouth a little and lets Dan take over. Then there’s a tongue against his and he’s not sure why it feels so good. He can taste Dan’s morning breath but it’s not bad. He’s not sure anything could really make this bad right now. He’s terrified but it’s overridden by the confidence that radiates from Dan, that Dan can gently take his hand and lead the way.

When they finally pull away, Phil feels lightheaded and a little dazed. He’s smiling timidly up at Dan, who’s mirroring his face.

“Hi,” Phil whispers eventually, once he’s caught his breath back.

“Hi,” Dan says back, huffing a laugh. They lie grinning at each other for a moment before Dan speaks up again. “Did you sleep well?” his voice has softened again, and Phil thinks he might melt.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’ve got pins and needles in my arm now though.” He holds up the offending arm and feigns a frown. Dan smiles.

“Would you like me to kiss it better?” he’s joking, but a little shiver runs down Phil’s spine anyway, and he holds it out in front of Dan’s face. Dan leans forward and presses feather-light kisses along his forearm, and when he’s done Phil can barely breathe. But Dan offers him a big, toothy grin, and he lets his arm drop, wincing a little when it touches the bed and tingles.

“What about you?” he croaks with what voice he has. “How did you sleep?”

“Amazing,” he says, closing his eyes and stretching his arms and legs out as far as he can like a cat. Phil hears a crack from one of his joints and frowns. “I could get used to waking up next to you.” It’s a small and shy addition, but Phil hears it, and smiles softly.

“Me too,” he whispers. He swallows thickly, finding his voice and some confidence somewhere. “You’re welcome in here whenever you like.” He tries to wink but it doesn’t really work, and Dan just giggles. Messing up being flirty is okay if he gets to hear Dan laugh like that.

“Don’t mock me,” he says anyway, giving Dan a poke in the stomach and pouting.

“Can’t help it,” he says with a one-sided shrug. “You’re cute, it’s my default reaction.” Phil feels himself start to go red, so he moves forward to bury his face in Dan’s shirt.

“Shut up.” It’s muffled, but Dan must hear it, because a laugh rumbles deep in his chest. He looks up at Dan again, with a little frown. “How are you so…” he gestures with his hand.

“So?”

“So confident,” Phil says after a second. “I feel like I can barely form a sentence around you, and you’re just… great at this.”

“Phil,” Dan murmurs. His hands run up Phil’s arms and gently push him away at the shoulders until he looks up. “I’m so scared, you know? I’m just… I don’t know, I’m better at pretending to be confident than I am at letting myself be vulnerable.”

“Oh,” Phil says quietly. He looks up at Dan, and waits until their eyes meet again before he continues. “Y’know, I’m a big fan of you being confident.” He smiles softly. This is the difficult part for him, talking about what he likes, opening his heart up a little. It’s been hard enough for him to admit to PJ that there are things he likes about Dan, let alone telling Dan himself. This is vulnerability, for him. But maybe that looks different for Dan. He’d like to find out what it looks like, if Dan will let him. “But I bet vulnerability looks good on you too.” Dan looks away. He’s definitely a little pink in the cheeks, and Phil wants to reach out, touch him, kiss him, _something_. But he decides that space is the best option right now, so he lets Dan breathe and work out whatever he’s working out.

“I’ll try,” he says eventually. “I wanna be vulnerable with you.” Phil smiles softly. There’s no rush, of course, but he wants Dan to know that there’s an option to be open here.

Eventually, Dan rolls out of bed, saying something about needing a shower. Phil stretches out when he has a little more space, lying and staring up at the ceiling for a little while before getting up to make some coffee for them both. As he walks out his room in his pyjamas, he looks to the door on his left. Without another thought, he opens it. PJ is lying on his phone, and jumps out of his skin when Phil walks in.

“Geez, Phil,” he says, clutching his chest. “Bloody knock next time, would you?”

“So you do know what knocking is, then,” Phil says as he walks over to the bed and flops down beside PJ.

“What do you want, Phil?” he asks with a sigh, raising his eyebrows and trying to hide a smile. Phil pouts, propping his head up on his elbows.

“No need to be so grumpy,” he says with a little laugh. “Thought you wanted to be the first person I told.”

He’s smirking when PJ’s eyes meet his, and then the penny drops. He’s quick to drop his phone on the bed and lunge forward, tackling Phil and shoving him on to his back until they’re face to face, laughing and grinning at each other.

“You’re really together now?” PJ asks after a second. Phil shoves him off with a laugh and sits up.

“Well… not officially,” Phil says, and PJ frowns. “We haven’t fully… discussed things yet. But we kissed. Last night.” PJ leaps on him again and wraps him in a massive hug. “Oof, do you mind?” Phil asks, elbowing PJ in the rib but not stopping the bear hug. “He… stayed in my bed last night, too.”

“Phil Lester,” PJ says. Phil can see the sly grin on his face, and he laughs, feeling his face go red. “I’m so happy for you, Philly,” he says sincerely. He reaches up and ruffles Phil’s hair, laughing. “Thank you for telling me first,” he says quietly.

“Of course,” Phil says, matching his soft tone. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much for you recently, Peej,” he says. PJ opens his mouth then, presumably to say something about how it’s fine or how it doesn’t matter, but Phil holds up a hand as best as he can from PJ’s embrace to stop him. “Really. I feel like I’ve been a bit shit to you recently, and you deserved better.” PJ doesn’t really answer for a second, just rests his head on Phil’s shoulder and squeezes him a little tighter.

“I forgive you,” he says eventually. “I know it’ll be okay, y’know? Deep down. I know we’re always gonna be alright.”

“I never thought I’d let a boy come between us,” Phil says. PJ huffs a laugh.

“S’not your fault, Phil,” PJ says. “You deserve everything you have with Dan. I love seeing you happy.”

“I should’ve made more time for you,” Phil says quietly, chewing on his bottom lip.

“Hey,” PJ says, jostling him a little. “What are you doing right now?” Phil smiles. He lets his body rest against PJ’s for a second, before they both hear the sound of a door open in the hallway.

“That your man?” PJ asks. Phil nods.

“I was gonna make coffee.”

“You better go do that,” PJ says, relaxing his grip and pressing a little kiss to Phil’s temple. “Go on, don’t keep him waiting.”

They share one more smile before Phil slips up and away, feeling a lot more comforted that things between them are good. They’re starting to understand each other. They’ll be okay. Of course they will. They were always going to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im 15 minutes early but im tired and im also too impatient to wait til morning here u go ladz  
> enjoy!

Dan is gently shutting Phil’s door to go for a shower at the same time as Jimmy is walking into the hallway from the kitchen. He gives Jimmy a nod and goes to walk past, hoping Jimmy doesn’t realise he’s watching Dan do a sort-of walk of shame, but he’s caught as Jimmy stops him with a hand on his arm.

“You’re not getting away that easily,” he says quietly, a little laugh in his voice. Dan looks back up at him sheepishly, feeling his cheeks slowly turn red. “How did it go last night?”

“Uh,” Dan has to stop to laugh, and he looks down at the ground.

“That good, huh?” Dan looks back up and Jimmy is smirking, his eyebrows raised. Dan huffs another laugh. “Must’ve been if you stayed in there all night.” He nods to Phil’s room.

“Yeah,” he whispers. “It was really good.”

“Okay, please give me more than that, Dan,” Jimmy whines. “What happened?” Dan rolls his eyes.

“Do I have to spill the entire romantic escapade right here in the hallway?”

“Oh, it was a romantic escapade, was it?” Jimmy grins.

“Fuck off,” Dan says with a laugh. “He, uh. He kissed me.” Jimmy gasps, loud and dramatic, before pulling Dan in for a bear hug.

“So you got your shit figured out?” he asks quietly into Dan’s ear, because he apparently has no intentions of letting go. Dan relaxes into the embrace and rests his head on Jimmy’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” he whispers. He moves away and gives Jimmy a little shove as he goes, so he takes the hint. “I’ll tell you all about it later, yeah? When we’re not out in the open like this.” Jimmy rolls his eyes.

“Yes, imagine if the whole household heard,” he teases, mocking a posh accent. “You would lose your respectability in the scandal.” Dan giggles but gives him a gentle thump with his fist and turns to leave for his shower.

“Dan,” Jimmy says as he opens the door.

“Yeah?”

“I’m really happy for you.” Dan smiles, big and genuine. 

"Thanks, Jim."

When Dan’s dressed after his shower, he takes a longing glance over at his hair straighteners. He spends far too long considering whether to do his hair properly before he makes his way back to Phil’s room, but in the end he decides against it. If Phil likes the curls, maybe he can leave his hair curly, just this once. As a treat.

He pushes open Phil’s door and pokes his head through, seeing Phil, still in pyjama shirt and now some sweatpants, scrolling through his phone. There are two steaming mugs sat on the bedside table, and when Phil looks up he gives Dan a big grin and reaches to pick one up and hold it out to him.

“Coffee,” he says, as Dan walks in. He sees Phil do a quick double take at his hair and he smiles, a little bashfully. Suddenly he feels shy, like it’s too soon to do something to his hair just because Phil said he liked it, and he can feel his cheeks turning red. He doesn’t mention it, though, and just takes the coffee from Phil.

“Thanks,” he all but whispers, bringing it to his lips and taking a sip.

“You went curly today,” Phil says softly, reaching out a hand to Dan’s hair. Dan feels himself starting to go red all over again, and he looks down into his coffee as he tries to compose himself.

“Yeah, well,” he says quietly. “This really cute guy told me it suits me.”

“Damn, good taste _and_ cute,” Phil says quietly, “Maybe I should be worried.” Dan opens his mouth to reply, but he can feel Phil playing with one curl for a couple of seconds, and decides to stay quiet, lest Phil get distracted. He feels Phil tug on the curl gently, and a shiver shoots down his spine. Maybe Jimmy was right; maybe it is a little kinky. But he does his best not to show that it’s affected him, taking another sip of his coffee and only leaning into Phil’s touch a little bit. But then Phil tugs again, a little harder, and a whine slips from Dan’s lips before he can stop it. The hand is gone from his hair, and when he looks up he thinks Phil must be redder than he is, looking like a deer in the headlights.

“Sorry,” Phil squeaks. “I didn’t mean to-”

“Phil,” Dan says, laughing, “It’s fine.”

“I’m not… I wasn’t trying to…”

“Hey,” Dan says, turning around to put his coffee down and take Phil’s hand. “It’s okay. I just wasn’t expecting you to do that. Maybe I wasn’t expecting me to… do that either.” He huffs a laugh and Phil laughs with him, to his relief. “I liked it though,” he says quietly. He can definitely feel himself going redder now, but he doesn’t attempt to stop it.

“Yeah?” Phil asks. He’s got that look on his face, the one Dan is starting to become familiar with, where he’s trying to be confident but it’s terrifying him a bit. It’s cute as fuck. He smiles and raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah.” It’s just a whisper, but he accompanies it with movement forward to cup Phil’s jaw with his hand, Phil’s own hand coming forward to pull Dan’s mug out of his hands and back on to the table before their lips meet. It’s a little strange to him how quickly they began gravitating towards each other like this. Everything with Phil has felt so different from anything he’s ever felt before. Two years with his ex-girlfriend, and he’d never felt this ache in his chest, this twist in his gut, this need for closeness that he feels with Phil. The more he lets himself feel, the more he realises that there is _so much_ to feel, and they’re only getting started.

He can feel Phil pull back a little reluctantly, and leans across a little more to chase his lips. In a split-second bold decision, he opens his mouth and manages to catch Phil’s bottom lip between his teeth and nip the tiniest bit. The noise Phil makes is adorable, and Dan laughs as he fits his mouth back over Phil’s, letting his tongue swipe over Phil’s lip before it enters his mouth. It’s become clear to Dan that Phil really doesn’t seem to know what to do with his lips or tongue, but he’s more than happy to take the lead when it comes to making out. Phil is learning quickly, and even though it feels a little awkward and clumsy, it’s still better than anything Dan’s ever done before.

Phil eventually has to get up and ready for a lecture, so Dan makes his way into the kitchen to find some lunch. PJ is in there, and Dan feels a little awkward sharing the space with just him. He’s not sure whether Phil’s said anything to him, and he doesn’t want Phil’s best friend to find out from… not Phil. So he takes a deep breath, pushes the door open, and tries to keep his cool.

PJ looks up when the door opens and grins. Dan really doesn’t know PJ that well, but he thinks that look means he knows what happened between Dan and Phil last night.

“Good morning,” he says, with a look like he’s trying to hide his smile. “Heard you had a pretty good night last night?” Dan feels his cheeks darken and smiles.

“You could say that,” he says quietly.

“Hey, don’t worry, I heard all the hot goss from Phil this morning,” he tells Dan as he goes about putting different chopped up vegetables in his pan. “It’s about time you two got your shit together.” That doesn’t help Dan’s hot cheeks to cool, but he laughs as casually as he can, and busies himself opening the freezer and searching for one of the Tupperware boxes with a Kath meal inside it. Thankfully, PJ’s lunch is done quickly and he disappears back to his room with it. He must be able to feel the awkwardness in the room between them, and Dan is grateful for him getting out the way. It’s not that he doesn’t like PJ. He does, he just doesn’t really know him very well, and sometimes he thinks living with Phil’s best friend might be a lot to live up to, especially now that he’s becoming Phil’s… whatever he is. He’s been so caught up in the high of finally moving forward with Phil, he’d forgotten that normally at this stage you attach a label to each other. He’d like to attach himself to Phil with a label.

He doesn’t get much time to himself. PJ’s presence is quickly replaced by Jimmy. A much easier presence to deal with, Dan thinks, but still makes his stomach churn with anxiety.

“Dan!” he says as he opens the door. “PJ said you’d be here.”

“Keeping tabs on us, are you?” Dan asks with a little amusement in his voice.

“Of course,” Jimmy says shamelessly. “Don’t change the subject.” Dan opens his mouth to point out that there’s not a subject to change, but Jimmy is already up in his bubble at the breakfast bar, leaning on his arms right into Dan’s bubble. “Tell me about last night.” Dan rolls his eyes with a laugh.

“You’re a nightmare,” he says. Jimmy pouts. “Okay, fine,” he says after a second of silence and a dramatic sigh, “I came out to him.”

“Dan,” Jimmy says softly, reaching out to take his hand. His face is full of pride and encouragement, and Dan has to look down into his food to avoid being overwhelmed by emotion.

“He said he really likes me,” Dan says, still staring down into his Tupperware tub of food in an attempt to hide his smile. “And, I don’t know, we kissed, we fell asleep.” He mumbles one last bit because he’s a little embarrassed about it, but Jimmy leans forward with a smirk.

“Excuse me? What?”

“We may have… made out this morning,” he says quickly, his voice raising to a squeak. Jimmy grins, leaning further into Dan’s space to wrap his arms around him.

“Well, you lads seem to have found your feet pretty well,” he says, patting Dan on the head as he moves away, “Congrats on your new boyfriend, Danny,” he says. He’s grinning. “Next up is double date.”

Dan rolls his eyes.

“We haven’t even had a date by ourselves yet,” he reminds Jimmy. He gets a shrug in return, Jimmy already halfway out the door.

“Details, shmetails.”

Dan huffs a laugh. It surprises him how quickly Jimmy can go from being a serious, almost wise confidant, to someone who is so much more playful and childish. It’s a change that Dan welcomes, though. He’s found acceptance in so many different places here, and he thinks that one of the most surprising ones is Jimmy. He never thought, as he was applying to uni or packing his bags or setting up his new room, that he would find someone he might look on as a brother. And yet here Jimmy is, being just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	27. Chapter 27

They quickly fall into a routine after that. The next two weeks are spent sharing beds, waking up together, taking it in turns to make coffee. Every morning is a new exploration for them, in whatever way they’re ready for. One morning Phil wakes up first, and spends the first ten minutes of his half-asleep, half-awake haze just staring at Dan’s face, memorising it, learning each crease and dimple. He was right all this time. He really can’t handle Dan’s soft, sleeping face right in front of him. Another morning, Phil wakes up to the feeling of feather light, closed mouth kisses at the nape of his neck. He manages to lie still and take it in until the kisses work their way around towards his jaw and he squirms, rolling away with a giggle. Waking up alone is a rare occurrence, and whilst there are a couple of sad mornings where one of them has a 9am lecture, they leave with a kiss to the other’s forehead and a whisper of “see you later” to the other’s sleeping form.

Most nights are spent making dinner together and eating it on Phil’s bed in front of Buffy. Sometimes, Phil makes them both Kath Lester hot chocolates and they sit in Dan’s room, under the soft, Cool Mode lighting, and Dan plays piano while Phil listens, telling him it’s beautiful even when he says it isn’t.

They still make sure to leave time for Jimmy and PJ. There are a few nights where they huddle together on someone’s bed with and have a flat movie night on someone’s laptop, and no one comments when Dan and Phil sit closer together than necessary, fingers twisted together under their blankets.

They go out to see a movie one week, and neither of them calls it a date, even though Phil thinks that might be what it is. They see Avatar in 3D, and in the darkness of the back row they hold hands and sneak a couple of kisses when no one is watching. It hurts Phil a little that if Dan were a girl, it wouldn’t have to be in the darkness that he kisses Dan, holds his hand. But he doesn’t give himself much time to dwell on that. Even despite the obstacles in their way, he knows that there’s no one he’d rather be doing this with. They walk home, bumping shoulders as much as they can in place of holding each other’s hands, and Dan grabs his arm and pulls him into Shakeaway on the way home. Dan insists on paying even though Phil has his wallet ready, and he knows now, with Dan stood at the counter paying for his drink, that this may well be a date. They walk home with milkshakes in their hands, and when they’re back in the safety of their own flat, Phil winds their fingers together, presses an enthusiastic kiss to Dan’s mouth, now tasting faintly of butterscotch, and thanks him for a perfect day.

But time is moving fast, and before long it’s midway through December. They each have essays to write, exams to prepare for, and Christmases to go home to. They haven’t really discussed it yet. Phil knows that Dan isn’t so keen on going home as he is, and so he hasn’t brought it up. They’ve talked about it with the flat and organised a Secret Santa between them, and that’s where it’s ended.

But Phil wakes up one morning to an empty bed and his phone vibrating loudly on the nightstand next to him. He groans and reaches blindly for his phone and glasses, pulling them on and answering without really looking at the caller ID.

“Hullo?” he mumbles down the phone.

“Morning, Phil.” It’s his mum. He rolls over with a grumble in his throat and shoves his face into the pillow.

“Morning, mum,” he manages. It’s muffled but he knows she heard it from the laugh he hears down the phone.

“Sorry to ring you so early, love,” she teases. Phil hasn’t seen the time but he guesses that maybe it isn’t really early at all. “Did I wake you up?”

“Mmyeah,” he grumbles. He rolls over so that his words aren’t smothered in the pillow anymore and he can get proper words out to her.

“Sorry, Phil,” she says, but she doesn’t stop. “I was just ringing to check what day it is you’re coming home for Christmas.”

“Ugh,” Phil says, sitting up and glaring at the wall planner on the other side of the room. He spends a good minute staring at it before he manages to make out which day is marked ‘home’. “Saturday.”

“Okay, love,” she says. “How are things with you, all good?” He flops back down on to his pillow again and runs a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, it’s all okay,” he says. He had hoped that was going to be it and he could roll over and go back to sleep, but now he seems like he might be caught in conversation with her a little longer. “Still got lots of work to do.”

“And how’s Dan?” he opens his mouth to say something vague, when he hears the door and looks over to see Dan pushing it open with two mugs of coffee.

“Speak of the devil,” Phil says, heaving himself up with one arm and pushing himself across. “Dan’s good, mum. We’re good.” He hopes that conveys the message he wants to send without having to say too much. Dan’s back now, and he’d much rather be lazily making out with his… whatever Dan is, than having to force half-asleep conversation over the phone with his mum.

“Good, love,” she tells him. “I’ll ring you later when you’ve woken up a bit, okay? Seems like you’re a little busy right now.” He feels himself go red, but he mutters a goodbye and hangs up the phone, reaching behind where Dan has climbed into bed next to him, putting the phone down on the bedside table next to him.

“Morning,” Dan says, snaking an arm under Phil’s side while his own arm is occupied with his phone. There are immediately lips on his jaw, and Phil huffs a laugh. When his phone is sorted, he diverts his attention back to his boyfriend, chasing his lips and catching them with his own. They kiss slowly for a couple of minutes, before Phil pulls away with a noise in his throat.

“Morning,” he says, a little yawn making its way past his lips.

“You look tired,” Dan comments, letting his free hand run up Phil’s arm to settle in the curve of his shoulder.

“I am tired,” Phil grumbles. “Didn’t expect to get woken up by my mother at such an ungodly hour.”

“You know it’s gone eleven, right?” Dan asks with a smirk. “What did Kath have to say?”

“Asking about when I’m home for Christmas,” Phil says, trying to keep things casual. He notes the way Dan’s demeanour changes, though, and gives a gentle scratch along Dan’s back with his fingers. “And, she uh… she asked about you.”

“About me?” Dan asks, a little smile on his face.

“Yeah.” Phil takes a deep breath. “I, uh. I told her. That I liked you.” Dan raises his eyebrows.

“You did?” he asks. “When?”

“Uh. About a month ago.”

“She knew before me?” Dan’s jaw has dropped in mock horror, and Phil laughs, swatting at his shoulder with his free hand.

“I guess there’s some stuff I never really told you,” he says softly. “I came out to her the weekend you stayed over. She, uh. She asked if we were together.”

“Oh,” Dan says, turning a little red. “We were that obvious, huh?” Phil huffs a laugh.

“She’s gonna ask me again. Over Christmas,” Phil says. “And, uh. I wanna know what to tell her.”

“Wait, do you…” Dan frowns. “Are we not together?”

“Dan,” Phil says softly. “To me, we’re together. But we haven’t really… talked about it. We don’t have any labels for what we are. I don’t know whether I tell her we’re together, if you’re my boyfriend, if-”

“I wanna be your boyfriend,” Dan says quickly. He snaps his mouth shut again, his face red. “I mean. Only if that’s what you want.”

“Dan,” Phil says, with a small grin. “Of course I wanna be your boyfriend.” Dan smiles, and leans forward to press a kiss to Phil’s lips.

“That’s settled then,” Dan says with a grin as they pull away. He presses one last peck to Phil’s lips before he moves away and pulls himself up. Phil copies him, and passes Dan a mug of coffee.

Friday is their designated day for Secret Santa gifts. PJ and Phil are going home together the day after, and Jimmy and Dan are going in the next couple of days after that. Somehow, they’ve all managed to keep it a secret as to who has who, but there have been more and more gifts appearing on the table as the day has progressed, and Phil thinks that none of them have stuck to their £15 budget. He’s going to let that slide, though; he didn’t really stick to it either.

PJ had attempted to gather them together for one last night of getting drunk before they all went their separate ways for the next few weeks, but Phil took it upon himself to remind him of the bus they have to catch in the morning, and so they decide a last flat ordering of Domino’s is in order instead. They all gather round on the floor around an embarrassingly large stack of pizza boxes, and dig in, making sure everything they can stomach is devoured before they begin exchanging gifts.

Jimmy gets nominated as Santa, and he stands at the breakfast bar and finds a gift for each of them. He settles back down in their little circle and they open their presents one by one. Phil is first to go. It’s a small box, and he gives it a little shake before he rips off the wrapping paper. He hears a bark of laughter from Dan when the paper comes away, and feels himself going beet red. He’s holding a box of extra-thin condoms, and he knows exactly who got these for him. He reaches across to give PJ a weak thump, but he and the others around him are laughing.

“What?” PJ says, between wheezes. “It’s a joke!” Phil rolls his eyes. “Mostly,” PJ adds, quietly.

PJ goes next, and when he opens his present he finds a very professional-looking sketchpad. He softens visibly, and looks up and around at his flatmates.

“It’s beautiful,” he whispers, smiling. No one is really meant to reveal themselves yet, when the presents haven’t all been opened, so no one speaks up to say who it was from. Jimmy is next to open his present, which is a big mug with some fancy hot chocolate and marshmallows in it. He knows immediately that it’s from Phil, so he gives him a big grin.

“Thanks, mate.”

Dan is last, but before he can begin to open his present, Jimmy stops him.

“I’d like you to know that we did not plan this,” he says. He looks like he’s trying to hide a grin, and Dan takes the time to observe the shape of his present a little more. Phil sees the look that Jimmy throws at PJ, and finds himself turning red again. Dan gently opens the present to find a bottle of lube, and they’re all laughing again. Phil is a deeper shade of red than before, but Dan seems to be holding out.

“Again, this one is… _mostly_ a joke.” Dan laughs and gives Jimmy a gentle punch in the arm. Jimmy gets up then to do a second round of presents, and they circle round again. Phil gets a couple of pairs of funky socks, because PJ knows how much he loves them. PJ, who, by process of elimination, now knows his secret Santa is Dan, gets an equally professional-looking set of sketching pencils. He reaches over to give Dan a sincere side hug, because clearly a lot of thought went into this present. Jimmy is next with his second present, which is a three pack of little cacti. Phil remembers Jimmy telling him once that he missed not having plants around, and it’s been in his head ever since. Jimmy smiles softly, and reaches over to squeeze Phil’s hand for a second in thanks.

Dan’s second present gets opened then, and as he gently works his way through the wrapping, it’s clear that no one really knows what it is. It’s thin, and doesn’t have much of a strong shape to it. When Dan gets down to the gift, a hand flies up to cover his mouth and he reaches over to pull Jimmy into a bear hug. After a moment, he pulls away and finishes unwrapping the gift so that the others can see what he’s been given.

It’s a pride flag. A full-size obnoxious symbol of gayness. Dan hasn’t mentioned anything to Phil about wanting one, but clearly something was said to Jimmy. He can see in Dan’s eyes how much this means to him, and he wants to reach over and give Dan a hug himself. But he won’t. This is a moment for Dan and Jimmy.

“Jim,” Dan says eventually. “Thank you so much. I love it.” Jimmy reaches out and wraps an arm round him again.

“You deserve it,” he says softly. “You’ve come so far.”

That night, Dan and Phil lie awake until the early hours of the morning, just opening up to each other. Phil asks about the pride flag and Dan doesn’t hold back, telling Phil all that he can about being scared of who he was, about the bullying he went through at school, about how spending time with Jimmy had helped him accept who he was. Phil listens intently, and at the end, he opens his arms and lets Dan burrow his head into his shirt for comfort. They lie still for a long time, before Phil gives a squeeze around Dan and leans his head down to press a kiss to Dan’s hair.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

“What for?” Dan asks, moving his head out from his little burrow in Phil’s chest.

“For being vulnerable with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay new chapter time! 
> 
> before we start, please if you haven't already, take the time to go to https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/# and sign the petitions available, donate, or follow the "donate without money" option if donating is not possible for you right now. it is so so important that our voices are heard right now, and that everyone does everything they can to help. thank you.

Phil’s alarm wakes him far too early, and he reaches over to the bedside table to fumble for his phone and find the snooze button. When he finally manages to shut it up, he rolls over with a groan to curl into Dan’s side. But when he begins to shift, he finds that he has a lot more space than he expected, and there’s no body beside him. He opens his eyes and frowns blearily at the empty space next to him, as if it will make Dan appear. It doesn’t, and he closes his eyes again, opting to sulk as he wakes up instead of falling back asleep against Dan like he’d intended.

He doesn’t have long to sulk, though. He’s just started pulling out of the groggy, half-asleep haze when he hears the door open, and reaches over for his glasses. When he pushes them up his nose, he sees Dan stood in front of him with two mugs of coffee. He smiles softly and lets Dan put them down on the table for them both, before reaching up. Dan leans down to peck a kiss to Phil’s lips, before standing up straight again. Phil whines, his hands following Dan, making grabby gestures as Dan moves away.

“I’ll be back in a sec,” Dan whispers. Phil catches his arm as he goes, pulling him back for another quick kiss. Dan laughs as he pulls away, and then he’s gone again, and Phil is back to sulking. He takes his coffee in his hands and cradles it. It’s hot but he welcomes it, taking a sip and frowning into his mug instead.

The door opens a few minutes later, and Dan is carrying two plates this time. As he gets closer, Phil sees the little pile of pancakes on each plate and his face lights up, sulking long forgotten. He shifts across into the corner of the bed so Dan can sit down, before he takes a plate.

“Breakfast?” he asks, looking up at Dan with a gentle smile.

“Thought we deserved something nice, since I’m not gonna see you for ages,” Dan says. He’s smiling, but there’s a sad undertone to his voice, and Phil can feel it in his chest. Instead of replying, he leans over and lets his head gently thud on to Dan’s shoulder. He’s going to miss this. Three weeks is a long time, _too_ long to be away from Dan. He feels Dan turn and press a kiss to his hair. “C’mon, eat,” Dan says. “I didn’t get up at stupid o’clock for you to sit and mope.” Phil sits up and presses a sweet kiss to Dan’s cheek before digging into his pancakes.

They sit in quiet, eating pancakes and drinking coffee, and when it’s all finished, they push their plates to the side and Phil gives Dan a proper good morning. He presses open mouthed kisses to Dan’s lips insistently, trying his best to convey how much he’s going to miss Dan without really having to say it. Expressing emotion is still one of those things that’s difficult for him. Although, he thinks as he pulls away and rests his forehead against Dan’s, maybe it’s his turn to be vulnerable. His eyes flick down to Dan’s smiling, wet lips, and he leans forward to press one more chaste kiss to them before pulling away properly.

“I’m gonna miss you,” he whispers, running his hand down Dan’s arm until their fingers find each other.

“I’m gonna miss you too,” Dan says. Phil stares down at their hands for a second, before looking back up at Dan.

“When do you come back?”

“Soon as I can, I think,” Dan says with a shrug.

“You’re gonna be here all by yourself?” Phil asks softly. He hates the idea of Dan stuck in this flat alone with no one else here to talk to.

“Guess so.”

Phil frowns, looking back down at their hands.

“Maybe I can convince mum to let me come back early,” he says softly. “So you’re not all by yourself.”

He looks back up in time to catch the look Dan is giving him, one of softness and something between awe and gratitude, before it changes into something else.

“We could have the flat to ourselves for a little while,” Dan says with a little smirk, a cheeky raise of the eyebrow. Phil feels himself go red at what Dan’s implying. They’ve not really spoken much about their boundaries or what they’re really ready for, but Phil knows he’s not really ready for _that_ yet. He’s about to open his mouth to say something, before Dan carries on. “Maybe we can have a couple more sleepovers in the kitchen, watch Buffy, make brownies at 3am.” His smile has melted into something innocent and sweet, and Phil feels his anxiety ebb away. Without really thinking, he pushes his lips to Dan’s again, a silent thanks for understanding Phil without him needing to say it. He uses more force than he thought, though, and he knocks Dan back a little with his kiss. A squeak escapes Dan’s mouth and then they’re laughing against each other, giggling while Phil is half on top of Dan, Dan barely holding himself up against the weight.

Dan gives Phil a little shove on his chest weakly, his body still shaking as he laughs.

“Get up, idiot, you have to get ready.”

Phil frowns, presses one more kiss to Dan’s lips, and reluctantly heaves himself up off of Dan and out to the shower. He really isn’t ready to leave Dan, and he feels weighed down by the knowledge that it’s going to be a while before he sees his boyfriend again. He really hopes his mum will let him leave early to come back. He’d like to think that she’ll be sympathetic and understanding of his want to get back to Dan as soon as possible. But Christmas in the Lester household is a big deal, and he knows that she likes having her boys back for as long as she possibly can.

PJ is already up and making breakfast when they finally get into the kitchen. He looks over his shoulder from the stove and smiles.

“Morning lads.”

Phil frowns, wrapping his arms around himself. PJ is cooking bacon and there’s a window open to let the smoke out. It’s fucking _freezing_. And while he’d much rather be freezing in his kitchen than freezing stood outside while the fire alarm goes off, he’d really rather not be freezing at all.

He and Dan have a small spat about who will wash up their plates (“You got up early and cooked, Dan” – “But it’s _your_ last day, you’re not washing up on your last day”) and in the end Phil wins.

“It’s only fair,” he tells Dan. “It’s _your_ last day with me too, it’s not like this is just about me.”

“You two are horrific,” PJ says with a smirk and a shake of his head. He’s finished cooking and thankfully closed the windows again, now perching on a stool at the breakfast bar. “Are you all packed, Phil?”

“Just about,” Phil says with a sigh. “Just a couple more things, I think, and then I’ll be ready.”

“Dan won’t fit in your suitcase, you know,” PJ says. Dan looks over with a grin.

“I’m sure I can try, I’m very flexible.”

Phil snorts and gives Dan a light swat with his hand.

“Jesus, save it for the bedroom, will you?” PJ pulls a face and shuts up while he finishes his breakfast. Phil goes red and turns away, finishing his washing up in silence. Dan just rolls his eyes and heads out to shower.

Midday comes around quicker than Phil expected it to, and soon he and PJ are getting ready to leave for their bus. Dan insists on walking them to the bus stop and Phil agrees; he’s not going to turn down a few more minutes with Dan. PJ seems to welcome the extra company anyway, and talks to Dan about this and that while Phil walks alongside them quietly. Dan asks about PJ’s art and what video games he plays, and PJ enthusiastically tells him about what sounds like every game he’s ever played. Phil is content to walk along, dragging his suitcase beside him, listening to them natter about different things. He always assumed that Dan and PJ would never really be proper friends, that they would just be two people who have a person in common. And maybe they still will be just that after this, but Phil can see the potential between them for something more than that.

They make it to the bus stop with a few minutes to spare, and PJ perches himself on the wall while Dan and Phil stand opposite. They haven’t discussed PDA and it’s not something Phil really wants to think about, so he settles for just standing close to Dan, letting their shoulders bump together. It’s comforting to be able to feel Dan’s body next to his in any capacity really, and this is no different. As much as he would like to reach over and slip his hand into Dan’s, he lets himself be sated with the comfort of Dan’s presence by his side, for just a little while longer.

Their bus turns up all too soon, and when Dan pulls Phil in for a tight hug, he presses a kiss to Dan’s ear and whispers, “I’ll miss you” before they pull away. His chest tightens a little when he sees Dan turn and offer a hug to PJ too, and it relaxes again when PJ accepts. He feels strangely honoured to be here, watching as these two people who are so important to him slowly build themselves a friendship.

They both haul their little suitcases on to the bus as Dan watches, and find themselves some seats next to each other. Dan gives them a wave and a grin as they leave and they return it, before turning back around and settling into their seats properly.

“You really found a good one there, Phil,” PJ says softly. Phil looks over.

“You like him?” he asks with a small smile.

“He’s pretty good, isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Phil says. “He is.” He watches for a couple of seconds as PJ digs out a book. “You seemed like you were getting on well today.”

“It was nice to have a chat,” PJ agrees. “You were pretty quiet, though.” Phil shrugs.

“S’just nice to listen to you guys,” he says. “I wasn’t sure you were gonna be friends.”

PJ frowns. 

“Why?”

“It’s not like I didn’t think you liked each other,” Phil says. “I just… assumed you were gonna be those people who just sort of co-exist, you know?”

“Yeah,” PJ says quietly. “I don’t know, he’s… he’s pretty cool. And he’s important to you.” PJ lifts a fist to bump Phil in the arm. “Course I wanna be his friend.”

Phil grins over at him.

“Good,” he whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i wrote the final chapter last night (i didnt cry what lol) but now that the fic is finished from my end im thinking about rereading it and making some changes where i feel they should be made. nothing too drastic - the plot would of course stay the same, but i feel like my writing has changed a lot since i began and i'd like to make this fic something that i feel is as good as i can make it.  
> what i want to know is if anyone would rather i left the fic as it is or whether people are happy for me to go back through and make changes? as readers your opinion is important to me 
> 
> thank you for reading! comments are appreciated, find me on tumblr @ panlesters


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so maybe it's half an hour early i just sobbed over the first episode of new queer eye and now i need to sleep so im uploading

When Phil walks through the door to his childhood home, he’s greeted by the smell of something sweet cooking. He’s not sure what it is but it smells strongly like cinnamon, and mostly just reminds him of Christmas. Which, he supposes, makes sense.

His mum’s face pops out from the kitchen when she hears the door open, and she grins when she sees Phil with his suitcase. She stops whatever it was she was doing to walk through the house and open her arms for him.

“Hello, love,” she says as she wraps her arms around his giant form, while his arms fold around her smaller one. “Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas, mum,” he croaks. He feels a little thick in his throat, and he can’t quite work out why. “What are you making?”

“Cookies,” she tells him, pulling away and tugging at his arm to follow him through to the kitchen. He grins, seeing a bowl scraped out on the side, and reaches over to stick his finger in and lick the remaining mixture off it. She swats at him but does the same. “What do you think?”

“Tasty,” he says. He dips his finger back in, but there’s not a lot of mix left to eat. “Who else is home?”

“Just dad,” she says, checking the timer on the oven. “Martyn and Corn won’t get in till later.” Phil nods, feeling a little jolt of panic run through him. He’s not sure how it’s possible that he forgot about his own brother, but now that he remembers Martyn, it reminds him that there are two important people he hasn’t come out to yet. Two people who don’t know about Dan. He pulls out his phone from his pocket and sees a few missed texts from the man in question, and unlocks his phone to answer them.

**Dan: let me know when u get home safe**

**Dan: and tell kath i said hi**

**Dan: does she still love me now im ur bf**

Phil rolls his eyes and texts back a quick message.

**Phil: Home safe xx**

**Dan: what about the rest of it**

**Dan: that’s the important bit**

**Phil: Give me a minute mate**

“Who’s that you’re texting?” Kath asks. Phil looks up. “Dan?” Phil smiles sheepishly.

“Uh, yeah,” he says quietly.

“Makes sense with that big silly grin of yours,” she says with a knowing smile. “How is he?”

“He’s, uh… good. He’s good.”

“Just good?” he knows she’s asking for more, and he’s a little terrified, but he really wants to give her the answer to the question she’s really asking.

“Really good,” Phil nods with a little laugh. “He’s uh.” He swallows. “He’s my boyfriend now actually, mum.”

Her face lights up then, and she lets out a delighted little squeak. He knew deep down that she’d be happy. He’s really not sure what he was afraid of.

“How long has that been going on then?” she asks, giving Phil a quick squeeze of his arm.

“A few weeks,” he says quietly. She grins and wraps an arm around his waist, jostling him as well as she can with their size difference.

“Oh, I’m so glad, Phil,” she says sincerely, resting a hand on his arm.

“He said to say hi, actually.”

“Oh, tell him hi from me,” she says. “And happy Christmas.”

Phil texts Dan just that, and he gets another back very quickly.

**Dan: but does she still love me tho**

**Phil: No actually the happy Christmas is a polite way of saying fuck you**

**Dan: :/**

Phil huffs a laugh. Kath looks up at him again with a smile.

“Phil,” she says softly. He locks his phone and gives her his full attention. “You look happy.” He smiles, looks down at his feet as he feels his face heat up.

“I am,” he whispers. “I really am, mum.”

He disappears up to his room soon after that. The cookies come out the oven and Kath tells him he’s not allowed any until they’ve cooled a bit, so he decides to pass the time by unpacking his things. He still has to try and convince Kath to let him leave early, he remembers, but he thinks that from the way she reacted to his news, it might not be as difficult to convince her as he first thought.

Once he’s done unpacking, he wanders through the house until he finds his father, offering him a hug and a happy Christmas. They stand in Nigel’s office chatting about this and that for a while. Nigel’s got a sketch pad out and is working on something Phil can’t make out from where he’s stood. But they get by and manage to have a proper conversation before Phil hears the door open and close loudly downstairs.

Normally he’d be more than happy to see his brother and Cornelia, but the anxiety of the secret he’s carrying is making his stomach churn uncomfortably as he follows his dad downstairs to greet them.

“Phil!” Martyn says when he sees him, a grin on his face. Phil feels the nerves melt away as he makes his way over to Martyn, wrapping his arms around his brother. He's anxious, but in this moment the excitement of seeing his brother overrides that. He moves to Cornelia quickly afterwards, bending down a little so he can give her a proper hug. Her curls tickle his nose, but he doesn’t mind. It’s been a long time since he’s seen her, or either of them for that matter, and he can’t deny that the anxiety in his gut is drowned out by the happiness he feels from having his whole family back together.

They have a hearty roast that evening, and all sit around the table for a good hour afterwards, just chatting. Phil goes a good twenty minutes before he reaches down to check his phone, but when Kath sees him she reaches across to put a hand on his.

“Phil, you know the rule about phones at the dinner table.”

He huffs quietly and shoves his phone back into his pocket, only to pull it out again a few minutes later. He can’t reply to the messages that are popping up on his lock screen, but maybe he can discreetly read them. Kath is quick to suss it out, though, and tells him off again. When he’s put his phone back in his pocket and looked back up around the table, he notices how Martyn is looking at him, like he’s waiting to be told something. Like Phil’s holding back a secret from him and he’d like to know what it is. He swallows thickly and looks away, trying his best not to think about it.

It’s not until after they’ve cleared up dinner and washed up that Phil can sit down and reply to Dan’s messages.

**Dan: it’s so lonely here without u**

**Dan: lol imagine if our flat was haunted**

**Dan: actually never mind dont imagine that**

**Dan: fuck now im imagining it**

**Dan: it’s fine ill find someone else to protect me from the ghosts while ur gone**

**Dan: i was joking pls protect me**

**Dan: why r u ignoring me :(**

Phil can’t help the smirk that plays on his lips as he begins to type out an answer. He’s halfway through telling Dan that he’s an idiot for thinking about ghosts and how he’s definitely going to be Dan’s knight in shining armour, when Martyn and Corn make their way into the living room and make their presence known.

“So, Philly,” Martyn says, flopping down on the sofa across from him, Corn settling on his legs.

“So, Martyn,” Phil says, as deadpan as he can. He can feel the way his voice is wavering already. He twists himself so he can carry on texting Dan without either of them seeing, but he can feel Martyn’s eyes burning into him.

“Who’re you talking to?”

Phil stays silent, and doesn’t take his eyes off his phone screen.

“Don’t tell me you went off to university and got a girlfriend straight away,” he says with a grin. Phil still doesn’t respond, but he can feel the way his face is going red and he knows he can’t pretend there’s nothing happening any more. “Come on, Phil,” Martyn teases, reaching over to poke Phil in the leg. “What’s her name?”

Phil desperately wants Martyn to shut up, but he knows that his brother won’t leave him alone until he has an answer. He’s getting a little fed up with being pushed to share information instead of being able to give it out at his own pace, but he knows there’s really no way out. He glares up at Martyn in one more futile attempt but is met with a raised eyebrow and a look that says Martyn’s not giving in. He takes a deep breath, and huffs it out in a sigh.

“Dan,” he mumbles.

“What?”

“Dan.”

“Oh,” Martyn says. Phil can tell that he’s struggling to see how that’s a girl. He frowns, then nods, then frowns again. “Is that… short for something?”

Phil holds back another sigh. His brother really is thick.

“Daniel,” he says, looking his brother right in the eye. He sees the moment Martyn realises, and he feels a small twinge of satisfaction.

“Oh,” Martyn whispers. He sees Cornelia’s eyes on him too, then, and he’s going red again.

“Dan?” she asks softly. Phil pulls his lower lip into his mouth to chew on it, and nods slowly. “Who’s Dan?”

“He’s, uh, my flatmate,” Phil begins. “My… boyfriend.” He’s not watching Martyn any more but he sees out the corner of his eye the way that Martyn’s eyebrows nearly fall off his face.

“What’s he like?” she asks. She has a gentle smile on her face and Phil feels nothing but acceptance from her. He’s not really sure about Martyn yet, but he thinks maybe his brother is just too shocked by the revelation that Phil isn’t straight to really have formed any opinions about it yet.

“He’s really nice,” Phil begins. “He’s funny. And sweet. And, uh. Really cute.” Cornelia’s face lights up more as Phil keeps talking, and he can feel confidence begin to swell in his gut. “He likes a lot of the same music as me. And he’s getting into Buffy.”

“Good Lord,” Martyn says finally. “You really do just want to convert everyone you come across, don’t you?” there’s a laugh in his voice that counteracts the way his comment caught Phil off guard.

“It’s art,” Phil says, trying to sound as confident and not terrified as he can, “Everyone should appreciate it.”

They don’t discuss Dan again that night. Every time Phil and Martyn make eye contact Martyn is looking at him a little differently, and Phil can’t tell if that’s good or bad. But Cornelia seems to have taken to his news quite well, so he lets himself get his hopes up a little for Martyn too.

He ends up getting wound up in family game night, when Kath suggests a round of Monopoly. Normally, Phil would be ready for any board game, but he knows that game night phone rules are the same as dinner table phone rules, and all he really wants to do is talk to Dan. When he finally manages to escape, it’s nearly midnight. He drops a quick text to Dan and changes into his pyjamas, brushes his teeth, and loads up his laptop. The second he goes online on Skype Dan is calling him, and he is quick to answer, before getting comfy in his bed.

“Hey, you,” Dan says through the grainy screen. Phil smiles brightly and tries to look as awake as he can.

“Hey,” he murmurs. From what he can see of Dan’s room, it’s in Cool Mode, and he can see that Dan is sat at his desk next to his keyboard. He’s leaning his head on one hand and looking through the camera at Phil like there’s nothing else on earth he’d want to be doing right now. It catches Phil off guard for a second, before he swallows and remembers they’re meant to be having a conversation.

“How was your day?”

“Long,” Dan says, “Quiet. Jimmy went home today.”

“Oh,” Phil says quietly, “You’re all on your own?” he hates to think of Dan alone in that flat, when it’s normally got three other people in it that could provide comfort and company. Dan just snorts.

“Thanks for reminding me, mate,” he says. Phil frowns a little.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, I’m kidding,” Dan says with a smile. “I’m sure I can protect myself from the monsters.”

“Don’t say that, or you’re gonna scare yourself again,” Phil teases.

“Shut up,” Dan says fondly, a laugh in his voice. “How was your day?”

“Well,” Phil says with a quiet huff. “I think I came out to my brother?”

“You think?”

“Well I didn’t _come out_ , exactly,” Phil says. “I didn’t tell him I’m gay. But he asked about what girl I was texting and I told him it was you.”

“Oh,” Dan says. “Well, you never know, he might just think we’re friends.”

“Oh no, I definitely dropped the b-word,” Phil says, a nervous laugh escaping his lips.

“Hey, I know I’m a bastard but that doesn't have to be the way you introduce me to everyone,” Dan laughs. Phil snorts and rolls his eyes.

“I hope it’s okay,” Phil says quietly. “That I told him.”

“Yeah, of course it is,” Dan says with a smile. “How did he take it?”

“Well, we haven’t really talked about it,” he says quietly. “But his girlfriend was really good, so hopefully he will be too.”

They chat for another half an hour or so before Phil starts to yawn and Dan offers to play some piano for him to fall asleep to. He says yes but he doesn’t move to turn off the light, just shuffles down in his bed and pillows his head on his arm. He tells himself he won’t fall asleep when he closes his eyes, but he’s out like a light.

If Dan notices that Phil is asleep, he doesn’t acknowledge it, still playing away until Kath and Nigel come up the stairs. There’s a soft knock on Phil’s door that doesn’t wake him up, his mother’s head poking through the gap in the door to see Phil asleep with his laptop still on, soft piano sounds coming from it. When she walks in to turn off his laptop and switch the light off, she sees Dan on Skype, and quietly moves the laptop away from Phil before she speaks.

“Dan,” she whispers. He stops playing and looks up like a deer in the headlights. “He’s fast asleep, love.”

“Oh,” Dan says with a blush. “Sorry, Mrs-” he pauses when he sees the look she’s giving him. “Kath.”

“It’s not a problem, Dan, but you’d probably better get your sleep too,” she says gently. They say their good nights and Kath sets Phil’s closed laptop down on the sofa by the door, before moving back to give Phil a kiss on the forehead, turning out the light and leaving the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this is a rly short one,, this is one of those chapters that would've been a bonus fic but i felt like the story flowed better to have it here as a proper chapter so sorry that it's so little! hopefully it makes up for it in content lmao  
> enjoy!

Dan goes home a few days later, and even though Phil is already home and away from Dan, he feels like his chest aches more to know that he is going to be so much further away for the next two weeks. Even if Phil wanted to take a bus back to uni to see him, he couldn’t.

He texts Phil the entire journey home, rambling about this and that. It’s strange to suddenly do so much communicating over text, when they would usually be with each other at almost all hours of the day.

**Dan: this train journey is so boring mate**

**Dan: normally i like trains but theres nothing here wtf**

**Dan: oh actually theres a field of horses thats nice**

**Phil: Ew horses**

**Dan: ew?**

**Phil: Don’t like horses**

**Dan: why?**

**Phil: Too many legs**

**Dan: how is four legs too many**

**Phil: Just a bit unnecessary isn’t it**

**Dan: do u hate dogs too**

**Phil: No? Dogs have the correct amount of legs**

**Dan: so would u rather horses walked on 2 legs**

**Phil: ...**

**Phil: You’ve upset me**

**Dan: XD ur an idiot**

“So.”

Phil feels the weight dip next to him as Martyn sits down at the other end of the sofa. Phil was so focused on his phone, he didn’t even notice Martyn come in. He can feel the grin drop from his face before he’s really registered it happening, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

“Dan, huh?” Martyn says, like he’s trying to stay casual.

“Dan,” Phil agrees.

“Your boyfriend.”

“Yep.”

“Wow.”

Phil huffs a nervous laugh.

“You got more to say than that?”

“I guess… a lot’s changed in the last couple of months, huh?”

“Not really,” says Phil, with a frown. “I’ve not changed. I just… accepted myself, I guess.”

“Oh.”

“What?” it sounds more like a snap than Phil intended, but the way Martyn looks at him tells him it hasn’t really hit home that way.

“I’m… I’m just surprised, I guess,” Martyn says. “Didn’t really expect you to come home with a boyfriend.”

“What did you expect?” Phil can almost feel himself growing colder towards his brother.

“I… I don’t know.”

“A girlfriend?”

Martyn opens his mouth, then closes it again.

“I guess so.”

“I’m gay, Mar.”

“Oh.”

“Not what you expected either?” he can hear his own bitterness, and he sees the way Martyn flinches a little at his tone. Some part of him wants to apologise, but really he knows not to. He doesn’t need to apologise for being something his brother didn’t expect him to be.

“I don’t… I never really thought about it, I suppose.” Martyn looks at his hands awkwardly. “You just… you just expect people to be straight, you know? You don’t really think about how people might not be straight until…”

“Until they’re not?”

“Yeah,” Martyn breathes. “Sorry.”

“S’okay,” Phil mumbles. He’s not really sure that it is okay right now, but Martyn really seems like he’s trying his best, and that means something to Phil. They sit in uncomfortable silence for a little while before Martyn opens his mouth again.

“You seem happy.”

Phil softens, and looks back up at Martyn with as much of a smile as he manage.

“I am, Mar.”

“That’s what counts really, isn’t it?” he smiles and Phil finds a genuine smile to match his. He can feel his body relaxing again as the tension begins to ebb away. It doesn’t feel so big and scary any more. He feels like Martyn cares and wants to do right by Phil, even if he's not really figured out how to do that yet. It matters to Phil that he's trying. They can go back to normal now, move away from the invisible wall between them that only Phil knew about.

“Who’s going to help me clear up?” Kath asks as she stands from the dinner table. Normally, this question would be followed by Martyn and Phil throwing awkward glances at each other for a full five minutes before Kath got fed up and called one of them through to help her wash up. But today, Phil is quick to volunteer.

“I will,” he says, immediately jumping up and piling plates to carry through to the kitchen.

“Are you feeling okay, Phil?” Kath asks with a laugh. Phil just laughs awkwardly with her, hoping she won’t see through his act. Her eyes narrow though, as they walk through the hallway together, and he knows he’s been found out. “You want something, child.”

Phil smiles sheepishly.

“Maybe,” he squeaks.

“Come on, let’s get this washing up done and then you can ask me.”

They get the water drawn and the dishes started before Phil decides it might be the right time to ask.

“So I was thinking,” he says. Kath looks up at him with a raise of her eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“Well. So. Uh.”

“Out with it,” she says with a little laugh.

“So Dan’s going back to uni really early,” he starts. “Like. The day after New Year’s.”

“Okay.”

“And the rest of us aren’t gonna be going back until the week after.”

“Really.”

“And I was thinking maybe… I could go back the same day as Dan. So he won’t be on his own.”

Kath gives him an incredulous look and he smiles again, a big, innocent, toothy grin that he hopes will get her on his side. 

“Hm,” she says. “Should I let my teenage son go back to a flat where he'll be alone with his new boyfriend for a whole week? Forgive me for being crass, Phil, but-”

“Mum, stop!” he holds up a hand before he hears her say something he doesn’t want to hear. “It’s not like that. I just really don’t want him to be all alone for a week when he could be… not alone.”

She gives him another of those stern, not-quite-believing looks, and studies him for a moment.

“You’re lucky I trust you, Philip,” she says. She shakes her head, sticking her hands back into the water to carry on washing. “Oh well, it’s not like I can stop you if that’s what you wanted to do with Dan anyway. You’re both adults now, I suppose.”

“It’s really not like that, mum,” he says, as sincerely as he can manage. “It’s so new. Neither of us are ready for… _that_ , yet.”

She gives him a smile, one that says everything she can’t verbalise about her little boy growing up and her powerlessness to make it stop. It makes Phil’s chest hurt, and he stops drying the dish in his hand in favour of opening his arms and pulling his mum into a hug. Because he is growing up and neither of them can stop it, and he thinks that might make him as sad as it does her, in some ways.

Phil spends as much time as he can with Chris and PJ over the break. He’s loved spending so much time with Dan recently, but it feels refreshing to be back here, in Chris’ living room, with two of his favourite people on earth. They exchange presents and each take a sofa to sleep on (or the floor, in Chris’ case, since he seemed to draw the short straw on that one again), and it feels just like it has for the last ten years.

He hasn’t told Chris his news, and PJ hasn’t mentioned it, to his surprise. But now they’re lying here in the dark, and he can hear PJ’s breath evening out across from him. The light from Chris’ phone is illuminating his face, and Phil smiles inwardly to think how similar this is to a time a couple of months ago, when he was lying here on this same sofa, thinking about how scary it would be to tell Chris that he was gay.

He rolls over, stretches a socked foot out from under his blanket, and reaches as far as he can towards Chris. It nearly pokes him in the cheek, and he looks up at Phil with a frown he can barely see, but that he knows is there.

“Hey, Chris,” he whispers.

“What, Phil?”

So much has changed since last time, Phil thinks, as he makes as good an eye contact as he can with Chris. It’s all so different now. He’s not afraid any more. He has _good news_ , and he wants to tell his best friend.

“I have a boyfriend now.”

“Really?” Chris puts down his phone and sits up.

“Yeah.”

“What’s his name?”

“Dan.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Chris says. Phil can’t see him anymore but he can hear the change of tone, the recognition there. “I remember PJ mentioning a Dan.”

Phil huffs a laugh.

“Of course he did.”

“That’s great, Phil,” Chris says softly, “I’m so happy for you.”

Phil feels a little like he might cry. He’s surrounded by so much support and love, and just a few months ago he could never have imagined this. This time has really worked wonders for him, in a way he could never have seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	31. Chapter 31

Phil’s never felt time go as slowly as it does in the week between Christmas and New Year. Nothing has really changed in the Lester Christmas routine; family members are coming and going over the course of the holiday, Martyn and Cornelia leave for Sweden a few days after Christmas. But once Phil can count on one hand the amount of days until he gets to see Dan again, everything seems to go into slow motion. The days take longer to pass, the hours go slower. He tells Dan over Skype one night he thinks time has slowed, and Dan agrees wholeheartedly, with a duck of his head and a pretty blush across his cheeks. And as Phil watches, he decides that time is actually allowed to slow down now, it’s okay. He’d like to watch that grin, those dimples, that rosy patch, just a little longer. But time is against them, choosing those few hours every night that Dan and Phil spend on Skype together to go at lightning speed, and Phil never has enough time to memorise the different iterations of Dan’s perfect face, his laugh, the roll of his eyes, the shake of his head.

The grainy Skype reception never does any of those iterations of Dan justice. But then, Phil thinks, as he lies, half-asleep, his head pillowed on his hand while Dan talks about his day, maybe it does. Maybe grainy, laptop screen Dan is just another kind of Dan that Phil has had the good fortune to meet and watch as he talks and laughs and props his head up on his elbow, watching Phil through his own laptop screen. This is just another way to learn each and every way that Dan exists.

January 2nd takes its time coming round, but when it does, Phil finds himself waking up naturally early. He’s bouncing on his heels as he gets dressed and straightens his hair, but he makes himself a coffee anyway. Kath has told him that she’s driving him home, complete with another supply of frozen meals.

“I know you complained last time,” she says as she hands him a bag and a half of frozen Tupperware boxes that he looks at in horror, “But I do feel more responsible for Dan now that you’re together, so there’s some extra things in there for him and your other boys.”

“My other boys?” Phil asks, an eyebrow raised.

“Well PJ has always been an honorary Lester,” she says, “So we’ll just add Jimmy, and then you’ve got yourselves a nice little family.”

Phil considers this and smiles brightly, because it is sort of like that. Now he just has to figure out how to explain to his mum that, no matter how much responsibility she feels towards Dan and Phil’s other boys, there’s still only limited room in their freezer.

Phil’s back in the flat before Dan. It feels wrong to walk into a completely empty, untouched flat, but the knowledge that Dan is on his way back to him right now makes him feel a lot warmer. He and Kath manage to tetris everything into the freezer between themselves, and after it all they sit themselves down at the breakfast bar in comfortable silence.

“What time does Dan’s train get in?” Kath says after a few minutes of quiet. Phil checks his phone.

“In about… half an hour.”

“Come on then,” she says, giving his thigh a gentle pat as she pulls herself down from the stool.

“Where?”

“To pick Dan up.”

Phil lights up then, and is quick to move from his seat. Any chance of seeing Dan sooner than expected is more than welcome.

He doesn’t tell Dan that they’re on their way to pick him up. They make it to the station with a little time to spare, and Kath gives Phil some change to go and get them each a coffee. His heart swells to think that he finally gets to be _that guy_ , surprising his boyfriend at the train station with a big grin and a cup of coffee. He feels elated, like he’s in some kind of cheesy rom-com, with only the knowledge that his mother is here to ground him.

Still, he stands at the gate to watch the train pull in, and is quick to spot Dan through the crowd. He can’t wave, with both his hands occupied by the coffee, but he watches Dan’s face intently and hopes against hope that Dan will meet his eye and realise who is waiting on the other side of the barriers.

He’s almost certain that Dan is going to walk straight past him. He doesn’t notice Phil as he makes his way to the gates, pushes his ticket into the machine and walks through. In one last-ditch attempt, he side-steps into Dan’s way. Dan jumps back and looks up into Phil’s face with a panicked expression, only for it to light up completely when he realises who’s in front of him.

“Phil!” he leaps forward and wraps his arms around Phil, who is trying his best to reciprocate the hug. He’s laughing, and he turns his head to push his face into Dan’s hair, trying to convey a hug in some other way than with his arms, lest he spill their coffees.

“Dan,” he manages to get out between his laughter. “Hey, I got you coffee, I need you to take it so I can hug you a little better.”

“You got me coffee?” Dan asks as he pulls away. When he sees Phil’s hands, he takes one of the cups before immediately pulling Phil back into a hug, one he’s now a little more ready to return.

“Well,” he says, “Kath paid for it.”

“Your mum is here?” he sounds a little anxious as he pulls away from the hug, and Phil doesn’t miss the way his expression changes to one of worry.

“She decided she was picking you up,” he says with a shrug.

“Oh, okay.”

“What’s wrong?” Phil asks.

“Nothing,” Dan says. Phil can tell he’s lying, and he gently puts a hand on Dan’s shoulder.

“You can tell me, if you want,” he says softly. Dan pulls Phil out the way towards the toilets where there’s less people.

“I just… I’m scared.”

“Why?” Phil frowns. “My mum loves you.”

“I know, I just…” he takes a shaky breath. “I’ve never been out to an adult before, you know? I know I joked about her still loving me now I’m your boyfriend, but… that’s really scary.”

“Dan,” Phil says, wrapping an arm around Dan’s shoulders in an awkward side-hug. “Nothing’s going to be different. It is scary, but my mum definitely doesn’t love you any less. You should see the amount of food she made me shove in the freezer today because she decided she’s responsible for you now.”

“Really?” Dan asks quietly, looking up at Phil with something like hopeful bewilderment.

“Really,” Phil promises. He wishes he could chance a kiss to Dan’s forehead, but he’s a little too nervous for that, so he tightens his hold on Dan’s shoulder and moves away so that they can find Kath.

Dan fidgets nervously as Phil scans the crowd looking for Kath, but when they spot each other, Kath is quick to make her way over and throw open her arms for Dan. He gladly accepts, still nervous, but Phil watches him relax as her hand strokes motherly across his back. He sees her say something into Dan’s ear, sees his body shake with laughter, his arms tightening around her. When they pull away he’s grinning, and Phil feels a tidal wave of warmth through his body. He loves that smile, and the person that smile belongs to. And he knows it’s too early to really think that, he knows he won’t say those words to Dan just yet. But he knows it’s what he’s feeling, and if there’s one thing he’s learnt this year, it’s to let himself enjoy the things he’s feeling, and feel them to the full.

Kath doesn’t stay long once they’re back in their flat. Phil tells her she can stay a little longer and have a cup of tea, but really he’s itching to be alone with Dan. She can tell, he knows, when he weakly tells her they can put the kettle on if she wants to stay. She gives him a look that says she’s known him all nineteen years of his life and knows exactly when he’s lying. She leaves with a hug and a kiss on the forehead for each of her boys, telling them to behave and that she’ll see them soon.

It’s been awkward trying not to express any kind of affection towards Dan in front of his mother, so Phil has refrained from anything more than standing close to him while she’s in the flat. But once they’ve seen her out, he’s quick to turn around in their little hallway and reach out for Dan. Hands come up to find purchase around Phil’s neck, and his own hands settle on Dan’s waist.

“Hi,” he whispers, eyes shamelessly dropping down to Dan’s lips.

“Hi,” Dan echoes. He sees Dan’s eyes watching Phil’s lips back, and doesn’t waste any more time in ducking his head to catch Dan’s lips with his own. Their time apart has made Phil more needy, more confident, and he surprises himself with the way that he immediately lets himself get lost in the kiss. He opens his mouth a little for his tongue to brush across Dan’s bottom lip, and breathes in the huffed laugh that follows as Dan opens his mouth to welcome Phil in. He’s never taken the lead in their make out sessions before, but he can’t find it within himself to be nervous. He lets his hands press gently against Dan’s hips until he gets the message and begins to stumble backwards towards the door to their rooms. They don’t break the kiss as they walk, no matter how clumsy it becomes or how much they laugh against each other’s lips. They’ve missed this, they’ve missed _each other_ , and Phil knows they’ll make up for every single second they’ve lost over Christmas.

They keep walking backwards all the way to Phil’s bedroom door, which he pushes Dan against a little forcefully. The kiss finally breaks when Dan hisses an “oof!”, and Phil realises the door is locked.

“Fuck, sorry,” he says, reaching into his jeans pocket to find his key. He looks up at Dan a little apologetically, but Dan just laughs. They might not be attached at the mouth any more, but his hands haven’t left Phil’s neck, and Phil can feel his fingers curling into the hair at the nape of his neck, scratching at his skin and tugging a little. His hands shake as he pushes the key into the lock, just as Dan gives a sharper tug on his hair. His head drops on to Dan’s shoulder. “Fuck,” he whispers again. Dan lets go of his hair but doesn’t move his hands from Phil’s neck.

“Too much?” he asks gently. There’s no judgement in his voice, and Phil shyly pulls his head up.

“I don’t know,” he whispers.

“It’s okay, Phil,” Dan says, matching Phil’s lowered voice. “I’m sorry if I-”

“You didn’t,” Phil says quickly. He manages to get the key in the lock turned and the door open, letting him and Dan into his room.

“Phil,” Dan says gently. Phil is toeing off his shoes and making his way over to his bed, where he holds his hands out and makes grabby gestures at Dan. Dan gets the message pretty quickly and makes his way over to Phil once his own shoes are off. “Are you okay?” he asks as he settles opposite Phil.

“Yeah,” Phil says with a frown. “I just…” he takes a deep breath. “It felt really good. And that… scares me.”

Dan nods, reaching out to take one of Phil’s hands.

“It scares me too,” Dan whispers.

“I want to… I want to go further,” Phil says, watching their hands twist and move together. “I just… don’t know when.”

“That’s okay,” Dan says gently. “I don’t wanna rush you. I wanna do all this with you, when we’re both ready and not before.”

Phil nods gently.

“Until then,” he says, letting go of Dan’s hands in favour of running his own up Dan’s arms to settle on his shoulders, “There’s a lot of making out to be done.” He tries for another wink but it doesn’t really happen, and Dan laughs.

“I don’t know what Christmas did to you,” he says, letting himself be pulled down until he’s lying alongside Phil on the bed, “But I like this new confident Phil.” Phil grins.

“Me too,” he whispers, before he presses his lips back to Dan’s.

He’s not sure when he’s going to be ready for the next steps in their relationship. But he knows he’s never going to need to worry about being pressured, and that makes everything feel good. He can press insistent kisses to Dan’s lips, let his hands wander down and under Dan’s shirt, across his chest and belly, around his waist, and know that this is an expression of love and affection in its entirety, without the need to go further.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a new chapter a little early,, a closing shift tonight and an opening shift tomorrow at work means i am tired as fuck and do not want to wait til midnight or upload tomorrow morning so enjoy this little early chapter!  
> also, i've been starting to put together a playlist for this fic to go up when it's complete, so if you have any suggestions please let me know!

Phil feels a little bold that night. Bolder than he expected. Bold enough that, after pulling his jeans off to go to bed like he normally does, he reaches back and pulls his shirt over his head too. It’s not like they haven’t seen each other shirtless every now and then, but they’ve never spent any considerable amount of time in close quarters with nothing between them but boxers. But Phil is fed up with having extra layers of clothes between them, so he flops down on the bed, almost naked, and waits to see if Dan does the same.

He does. He doesn’t even question it, just follows suit and slips into his usual space pressed against Phil. It’s different, feeling Dan’s skin against his own like this, but it’s a good kind of different. And he’s still safe in the knowledge that nothing more will happen than this; this is an act of trust and love in and of itself, and they both understand that.

Phil’s not even sure if Dan’s going to acknowledge Phil’s bare torso as the light turns out, but he twists so he’s on his side, a hand reaching over to splay across Phil’s belly.

“This okay?” he asks. Phil smiles. It’s been so long since they’ve felt the need to ask if things are okay. Everything has been mutual and boundaries have been understood, but Phil knows that this is new territory, and he feels overwhelmingly grateful to Dan for treating it as such.

“Yeah,” he whispers. He reaches up a hand to curl round Dan’s neck and pull him into a kiss, lazy and open-mouthed. The hand on his belly begins to move and explore as they kiss, first running featherlight fingers over the trail of hair below his belly button, before skirting up his body to rake through the hair on his chest. Phil feels himself shiver at the contact, lets himself react to it and enjoy it just as much as he wants to. He can feel heat stirring in the pit of his stomach, but he tries his best to ignore it. He knows it’s not time yet. He might’ve learnt to let himself feel his emotions, but he’s also learnt patience and the importance of waiting until things feel right. He’s learnt the difference between these two things, and he knows it’s time to stop. He pushes Dan away with a gentle pressure on his shoulder, moving to press three sweet, chaste kisses to his cheek. Dan smiles, rubs a thumb through the hair where his hand is sat on Phil’s chest, and rolls over for Phil to slot himself in behind. A hand snakes round Dan’s side, one final kiss is pressed against the nape of Dan’s neck, and good nights are whispered into the darkness.

When Phil wakes up, he finds himself tucked up tightly to Dan’s body, one arm still slung over Dan’s waist, his head curled in, his forehead pressed into the nape of Dan’s neck. He can hear little snuffles coming from Dan that let him know he’s the first one awake, and he relaxes, just enjoying the quiet calm of the morning, the smell of Dan, the sounds he’s making that Phil has missed so much.

He’s not sure what time it is, but he doesn’t really care. Once he’s laid awake for long enough to be sure that he won’t be falling asleep again, he’s getting bored of being the only one awake. Dan is still quietly snoring away, and he doesn’t think his plan is really to _change_ that. He’s just not going to blame himself if Dan happens to wake up. He pulls the arm on Dan’s side back so that it’s flush against Dan’s belly – Dan’s _bare_ belly, Phil remembers. His other arm slides under Dan’s other side so that he can pull Dan back to him, even closer than when Phil woke up. He thinks he hears an almost silent groan, but he ignores it. Waking up is a problem for future Dan to deal with.

When Dan is fully against him, Phil presses his face gently into the back of Dan’s head, breathing in the smell of his shampoo and pressing a kiss to the hair there. From there, he shuffles down to press a small, chaste kiss to the base of Dan’s neck. One kiss becomes many as he peppers them across the back of Dan’s neck, his lips finding every space they can. He can hear the sounds of Dan stirring, waking up, and doubles his efforts. He lets his kisses become sloppier and open-mouthed, starting small and sucking every now and then. Dan groans again, louder this time, and begins to shift. Phil grins, pressing a kiss behind Dan’s ear, moving down to his jaw and along his neck again, occasionally letting his tongue slip out to add to the wetness of his kisses. Dan weakly reaches round to swat at Phil’s head, missing. Phil tightens his grip around Dan’s waist and lets his fingers begin to dance. Dan squeaks and squirms, wriggling in Phil’s grip. Phil begins giggling and finds he is struggling to keep up the sloppy kisses, instead turning his head to slot into Dan’s neck, laughing all the while.

Eventually Phil relents, and lets Dan roll over in his arms to face him. He’s trying to look stern, but the fondness in his eyes gives him away. Phil just grins like a cat that’s got the cream, his tongue sticking out between his teeth.

“You’re disgusting,” Dan tells him with a laugh.

“Good morning to you too,” Phil says, scratching his fingers across Dan’s back for good measure. Dan squirms again, gently thumping Phil in the chest.

“Fuck off,” he giggles.

Phil rolls his eyes but pulls his hands away, back around Dan’s sides to rest on his waist. Dan looks like he’s struggling to keep his eyes on Phil’s, so he lets his own wander down to Dan’s bare chest in the hopes that Dan will follow his lead, his hands sliding across Dan’s belly to explore his chest. He’s never done this before, but he’s glad that Dan is the first person he’s ever had this close, the first person he’s ever touched like this. When Phil looks back up at Dan, his cheeks are red, but he offers Phil a shy smile. He looks a little like he doesn’t know what to do, and Phil huffs a laugh at the way the tables have turned. He leans forward to catch Dan’s lips with his own, letting his hands explore as he does. They lazily make out for a little while, and when Phil’s finger catches Dan’s nipple, he feels the gasp Dan breathes into his mouth. He’s still not sure where the line is that he’s not ready to cross yet, but he doesn’t want to confuse Dan, so he stops his exploring, instead filing away his discovery for another time, when they’re ready to take those steps, when Phil is feeling braver.

He might not be feeling brave enough to explore further for himself, but he does find himself reaching for the hands cupping his jaw, gently pulling them from his face by the wrist without pulling his mouth from Dan’s, and guiding them to his chest. Dan does pull away then, tentatively opening his eyes to meet Phil’s.

“You want me to?” he asks, almost silently. Phil nods.

“Yeah,” he whispers back. Dan doesn’t seem to need any more encouragement than that, letting his hands slowly begin to drag over Phil’s skin. Their lips meet again as Dan explores, fingers raking through his chest hair, scratching gently. He wiggles his fingers against Phil’s side until he’s squirming, mumbling something about payback against Phil’s lips. Phil feels a thumb swipe over his own nipple then, and hears a whine leave his mouth without his permission. Dan rumbles a laugh, gently nipping at Phil’s bottom lip before pulling away.

“That okay?” he asks. Phil hesitates, averting his eyes from Dan’s for a second while he decides whether or not it is okay. “Phil?”

“Yeah,” Phil says eventually, with a genuine smile.

“Sure?” Dan gives him a look. He nods, pressing a quick peck to Dan’s lips.

“Baby steps, yeah?” he breathes. “This is just another baby step.”

Dan must not be entirely convinced, because he stops his hands exploring, instead opting to let them rest on Phil’s waist. They’re not making out any more and now that they’re not occupied, he really is starting to feel hungry. He wants breakfast, coffee, and a shower.

Dan offers to make the coffee, so Phil heads to the shower. He’s sweaty from basking in Dan’s body heat for so long, and he feels a bit gross. As he peels off his boxers and steps into the shower, he thinks about how maybe one day this might be something they do together. One day Phil won’t be so scared of standing naked in front of his boyfriend, he might welcome the extra person in his space. For a second he calls himself stupid for being so scared; no one else he knows would be this scared of sex or anything else that might involve two people being naked together. But equally, he reminds himself, he’s not anyone else. And he likes where they are right now. He wouldn’t change anything. They’re moving at their own pace, and Phil gets to savour every part of it.

When Phil emerges from the shower, he can smell coffee through the flat, and heads into his room to dress. He doesn’t bother straightening his hair, instead leaving it to drip dry naturally. He pulls on some sweatpants and a hoodie Dan must have left in his room over Christmas, and leaves in search of Dan and coffee. When Phil enters the kitchen, Dan is stood at the oven, his back to Phil, in only his boxers. It’s ridiculously domestic, Phil thinks, and it makes his heart flip-flop in his chest. He walks over to slot himself in behind Dan, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder.

“Hi,” Dan says, turning his head to press a kiss to Phil’s cheek.

“Hi,” Phil says. “What you making?”

“Breakfast.”

There are eggs scrambling in the pan, toast in the toaster.

“You take good care of me,” Phil says fondly, pressing his own kiss to Dan’s cheek, giving one last weak squeeze around Dan’s waist before peeling himself away to go and sort the toast on to their respective plates.

They sit at the breakfast bar, eating quietly, and Phil thinks about how _normal_ it feels. This feels like it could be a morning like all other mornings, like a set routine. He loves the thought of every morning being like this one, no matter how unrealistic it might be. But having the flat to themselves, he knows, is the realistic part. They’ve discussed moving in together next year, finding a two person student accommodation closer to uni. PJ and Jimmy have both fallen into groups of people they want to move in with, and as much as Phil will miss having them both around, he knows that much of the accommodation is close together here, and they’ll probably all be within walking distance of each other. There’ll just be bigger drunk house parties now, Phil had said to PJ one night.

Dan leaves to have his own shower, and Phil does the washing up. He spends the time in silence, thinking about how good things have gotten in such a short space of time. Not that things were bad before, but they weren’t like this. He’s finally found his _person_ , after all this time. Chris and PJ are always going to be his best friends, he knows. But Dan is the person who seems to understand him in a way that they don’t. He wasn’t sure he’d ever truly find someone like that, but here he is, sharing a flat with that exact person, letting life take its course around him. It feels right, and he finally feels content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter! there will be a little bonus fic going up tomorrow for this one too! enjoy!

“So I was thinking,” Dan says the next morning as they’re sat eating breakfast together.

“Careful,” Phil says with a little smirk. Dan reaches out a leg to gently kick him.

“I was thinking it might be cool to like… go out some time. Together. On a date.”

Phil looks up, a shamelessly goofy grin on his face.

“Yeah?”

Dan’s blushing, that pretty rosy patch in the corner of his cheek dusting with colour. He ducks his head to hide it, and Phil thinks he might never be over just how cute Dan is.

“Like a proper one,” he says, “One where we actually call it a date and we both know what’s going on.” The last part is said quickly and Dan looks up at him like a deer in the headlights. “I mean, if you want,” he adds, with a shrug.

“I’d hate that actually,” Phil says, deadpan. He holds his expression for a second before Dan frowns, and he lets his face fall into a grin as he rolls his eyes. “Of course I want to, you idiot,” he says, reaching out his own leg to knock gently against Dan’s. “I’d love to go on a proper date with you.” Dan’s face lights up then. He’s still red from blushing, but he doesn’t look shy or embarrassed any more. “What do you wanna do?”

Dan smiles again, a little shyness creeping back into his face. 

“I was thinking we could go somewhere a little fancy and have dinner?” he says. “I had a look at some of the places round here and they aren’t all super expensive.”

Phil’s stomach does a little flip at the idea of Dan really thinking about taking Phil out before he mentioned any of it. Sometimes it still surprises him that he and Dan are here, doing this relationship thing together, that Dan thinks about Phil when they’re not together, that those thoughts include the things he wants to do with Phil, like going on dates.

They spend the rest of the morning sat on Dan’s bed, looking at different restaurants, picking out a place they’d like to go. Some places really are too expensive for two students to afford, but they look at them anyway. It’s fun to imagine themselves having a lot more money than they actually have, going out to a fine dining place in the centre of Manchester and spending a small fortune on the tiniest, fanciest meals. In the end they find a couple of places that are within budget, and Dan makes the phone calls. Phil feels strangely anxious as he watches Dan on the phone, but he thinks it might be something like second-hand anxiety, from his own insecurities about making phone calls. He tries not to think too much into the disappointed tone of Dan’s voice as he hangs up the phone, but Dan confirms Phil’s suspicions when he looks over at him with a frown. 

“They’re completely booked up for the next week,” Dan says with a sigh. “There’s a festival or something happening in town apparently, they said this week is probably gonna be really busy everywhere.”

They ring the other place anyway, but they meet the same problem. Dan looks a little defeated as he tells Phil, but Phil just reaches out a hand and tugs him forward until he’s in range for a hug.

“Just wanted to do something nice for you,” Dan murmurs as he crawls into Phil’s lap. Phil feels a pang in his chest, and squeezes tightly round Dan, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“Hey,” he says, after a few minutes of silence. Dan looks up at him. “Why don’t we just have a date night here? We have the whole flat to ourselves, we might as well make the most of it.”

“What kind of date night?”

“Well,” Phil says, “We could order some Chinese or something, get some brownie mix maybe? Set up a little blanket fort in the kitchen and put something on my laptop.” He gives Dan the warmest smile he can and doesn’t let up until he gets one back. “Just like old times.”

Dan shuffles around in Phil’s hold until his own arms are round Phil’s body and he’s able to squeeze back just as tight.

“That sounds perfect,” he whispers. He still looks a little sad though, so Phil dips down and presses a peck to his cheek for good measure. When Dan’s mouth quirks up a little again, Phil goes in for another, and soon he’s peppering Dan’s face with little kisses. They playfight until Phil is on top of Dan, not relenting from his onslaught of kisses until he’s too busy laughing to be able to continue. Dan is laughing too, though, so Phil knows he’s done a good job.

“You’re ridiculous,” Dan tells him as he attempts to wriggle out from underneath Phil. He gives Phil a big shove until he begins to roll off. “Get off me, you big lump.”

Phil flops down next to him on the bed, a hand coming up to sit on his chest while his jaw drops in mock offense.

“So rude,” he says, shaking his head.

It’s a couple of days before they decide to have their date night, but they take the time to budget out the amount they can afford to spend, before heading to Tesco to get some brownie mix. They spontaneously buy some wine as well, when Dan points out that it’s on offer and it might be fun to drunk watch Buffy. Phil agrees without any hesitation, and they head to the till with their haul.

They order way too much Chinese food and lay it all out on the floor in the kitchen. They take extra care with their blankets and duvets to make the perfect blanket fort, draping blankets over stools and trying to get them to hold against the wall. When they’re done, they settle down inside with a plate each that they pile high with food. Phil presses play on Buffy and they sit cuddled up together while the episode plays out.

They manage to think ahead to the rest of their night when they’re halfway through all the Chinese they’ve ordered. They still have brownie mix to go, so they stash the rest into the fridge for breakfast tomorrow, and reluctantly leave their cave to make brownie mix and get more wine.

They make it back to their fort for another episode of Buffy with one giant not-quite-cooked brownie and alcohol, drinking from their respective bottles and slowly feeling it go to their heads. When their brownie is finished, they’ve gone through half a bottle each and they’re both starting to feel it. Phil can tell his self-restraint is leaving him and he finds himself sneaking glances at Dan as he watches Buffy. He’s got chocolate round his mouth, and Phil licks his lips, thinking about how he wants to chase it and kiss it off for him. When he sees Dan’s head turning, he quickly looks back at the screen, fixing his eyes on Buffy like his life depends on it. They dance around each other like this through the rest of the episode, sneaking glances at each other and only catching each other properly a few times. When the episode is finished, though, Dan looks up at Phil with heavy eyes and asks if he wants to put another on. Phil knows what he wants, though, and he thinks Dan does too. Instead of answering, he leans forward to finally catch those lips between his. Dan is kissing back with fervour and it’s dizzying, the way they move with each other and breathe, hot and heavy into each other’s mouths. Every movement is weighted with drunkenness, but it’s new and exciting and he doesn’t want it to stop.

His hands start to wander and soon enough there’s one fisting itself into Dan’s hair. He takes as much of it as he can between his fingers and _tugs_. Dan whines loudly into his mouth and he laughs in return, a low growl deep in his throat. Dan’s own hands find Phil’s neck and hair, but he’s gently pushing Phil away. He whines indignantly, but goes anyway.

“Phil,” Dan breathes. “We have to slow down.”

“Don’t wanna,” Phil says, huffing the words out. He’s never felt so out of breath in his life, and he’s still not done, still desperate to get his mouth back on Dan’s.

“You’re drunk,” Dan says.

“So are you,” Phil counters.

“Phil,” Dan says again, sterner this time. “We can’t do this now, okay? It’s not right.”

“It’s what I want,” he tells Dan, a pout crossing his face.

“Hey,” Dan says gently, reaching out a hand to cup Phil’s face. “If you still want to tomorrow, when we’re both sober-” he makes sure to put strong emphasis on the word, raising his eyebrows and giving Phil a stern look, “Then maybe we’ll do something, yeah? I want to do this right.”

As much as Phil wants to pout and tell Dan he’s fine now, he wants this, he knows that he’s not really in the right frame of mind to take this step.

They consider going back to Phil’s room to sleep, but neither of them really have the energy. Phil unceremoniously pulls one of the blankets down from where it’s wrapped around the chairs, and balls it up under their heads as a pillow. When Dan flops down next to Phil, he sees there’s still chocolate round his mouth. He quickly leans forward and presses his lips to the corner of Dan’s mouth, pressing sloppy, opened mouthed kisses just out of Dan’s reach, until he’s sure the chocolate is gone. When he pulls back, Dan’s hand catches his jaw and he presses his lips to Phil’s. They make out messily for a few minutes before Dan pulls back to have a big yawn. Phil giggles as he follows suit, flopping his head back down on to their makeshift pillow and stretching his arm out to curl around Dan’s body when he settles next to him.

He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but when he wakes up in the morning he’s cold and alone on their kitchen floor. He knows there’s someone else here; he can hear Dan somewhere above him, but if his body isn’t tucked up next to Phil’s then he’s going to frown about it. He lies still and lets himself wake up from the fuzzy haze of an almost-hangover, listening to Dan talk to someone above him. It takes a little while before he’s awake enough to be able to hash out the details, and even longer to realise that he’s only hearing one side of a conversation.

“I will be, mum,” Dan says. “I won’t miss it. But-”

He hears a quiet huff of breath and imagines Dan’s mum talking his ear off.

“Yeah, mum,” he says again. “But can I bring a friend home with me?” there’s a pause. “Yeah.” Dan begins to pace round the kitchen, eventually stopping by the counter to haul himself up until all Phil can see is his dangling feet. “Phil. My flatmate.” There’s another long pause, and Phil holds his breath. Dan jumps down from the counter then. “Really? Thanks, nana.” Phil frowns then. There must be more than one person on the end of that phone. He says goodbye, and Phil rolls over to try and meet his eyes. Dan turns around though, to fill the kettle, so he decides he has to take matters into his own hands.

“So you’re taking me home, are you?”

Dan jumps and spins around, nearly bringing the kettle with him. Phil rolls on to his back, barking a laugh, and still cackling away right up until Dan walks over and gives him a weak kick with his foot.

“Don’t scare me like that, idiot,” Dan says with a laugh, walking back over to the counter to finish coffee. Phil sits up and pushes his glasses up his nose, watching Dan intently.

“Are you gonna tell me about the plans you made for us, or?”

Dan turns around again.

“It’s only if you want,” he begins. Phil rolls his eyes and holds out a hand. Dan walks forward and takes it, folding down into Phil’s lap. “It’s my grandma’s birthday next month, and I asked if I could bring you home with me. And my mum said yes.”

Phil lights up at that.

“That sounds perfect,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “I can’t wait to meet your family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the [bonus fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24751756) for this chapter!  
> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is early but im tired af and im not waiting til midnight so enjoy lmao  
> also if u have any more ideas for playlist songs id love to hear them!!

There’s only so much sitting on their kitchen floor the two of them can take before it starts to feel a bit grim. Dan offers to clear up their blankets and duvets while Phil goes for a shower, so he leaves Dan to grab his stuff and make his way to the bathroom.

He might’ve been drunk last night, but he wasn’t so drunk that he doesn’t remember what happened, what he said and what was said to him. _If you still want to tomorrow…_ he’s not sure if he does still want to. Which, he supposes, means they probably shouldn’t. If he’s not enthusiastically ready for sex, they shouldn’t do it. But the more he thinks about it, the more he really starts to consider the possibility. Sex doesn’t have to be… straight into the deep end, anyway. There’s more to it than _sex_ sex. They can do whatever they want. They can stop whenever they want and they can set their own rules and boundaries. There’s no one right way that they could go about it.

He spends his shower deep in thought, still not sure what he really wants. He knows that he definitely likes the concept of sex with Dan. But the reality of actually doing anything is still scary to him. By the end of his shower he’s still not sure in his head what he wants. His body has made up its mind, from a solid twenty minutes of standing under hot water thinking about sex. But he knows that doesn’t really mean anything.

He knows that if he says nothing, Dan won’t bring it up. And he’s grateful for that, but he wants it to be brought up. He wants to discuss this with Dan. He thinks that might be the thing that calms his nerves, just talking to Dan about it all and figuring out what it is that he really wants right now. There’s no rush, he tells himself. They’re going at their pace, they’re enjoying the ride. If he’s not ready now, there’s always tomorrow. Or next week, or in a few months, or _never_ , if that’s what he decides. It calms him, to remember the control he has over the situation, to know that there’s really no need to rush into this. He goes to the sink, splashes some water over his face, and heads out with nothing but a towel round his waist.

He doesn’t expect Dan to be in his room. His hand is ready at his waist to drop his towel before he even sees him, and he nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Oh!” Dan says. He averts his eyes and looks anywhere but at Phil. “Do you want me to, uh. Do you want me to go?”

“Just turn your back for a sec,” Phil says, waiting until Dan does before he drops the towel in favour of a pair of clean boxers and a shirt. If they’re going to have this conversation, he wants to feel comfortable. He leaves the jeans, just walking over to Dan and settling down. Dan turns around and smiles softly. Phil takes a deep breath and looks down at their hands, which are instinctively twining together. He’s not alone, he reminds himself. They’re here for each other.

“You okay?” Dan asks after a second. Phil looks up to see worried eyes, and he tries for his best genuine smile.

“Yeah,” he whispers. “Just thinking.”

“Anything you wanna share with the class?”

“Actually,” Phil says, looking back up at Dan, “Yeah.”

Dan moves, pushing himself back until he’s resting against the wall, patting his legs. Phil gets the message and squeezes in beside him, contorting his body into as comfortable a position as he can manage with his head in Dan’s lap. He feels a hand wind into his hair and immediately relaxes. He really did just need to be near Dan. Everything feels so much better when they’re together.

“What are you thinking about, bub?”

Phil wasn’t expecting the pet name, and he feels his face heat up, his heart flipping. When he finally meets Dan’s eyes, they’re gentle, fond and welcoming, and he knows he’s safe here.

“Last night,” he begins. There’s one hand in his hair, gently running through, and the other has cupped his jaw, a thumb stroking across his cheek. He reaches up and gently takes Dan’s hand from his hair, twining their fingers together. The hand on his jaw keeps stroking, and with each brush of Dan’s thumb against his cheek, he feels a new wave of comfort. “We talked about, well. Sex.”

He hasn’t really said that word to Dan before. They’ve always danced around it. But he wants to be mature about this, he wants to do this right. Dan’s face has softened, and Phil knows this is going to be easier than he thought it would be. Everything is easy with Dan.

“How are you feeling about that?” Dan asks. He gives Phil’s cheek a light pat and begins to shuffle. Phil gets the hint and sits up so that Dan can readjust. Soon they’re lying face to face on the bed, still close enough to touch, to hold hands. The casual contact makes everything easier.

“I don’t know,” Phil says eventually. It feels like a lame answer, but he knows that Dan won’t see it that way. “I want to. Some time. You know?”

“I get it.”

“What about you?” Phil asks. “How do you feel?”

“I think it’s kinda scary,” Dan admits. “But it’s something I want to do some time too.”

“Some time?”

Dan sighs.

“I’m ready whenever you are,” he says, reaching forward to take his other hand. “If you wanted to do something tonight, I would be ready.” He feels thumbs brushing across his knuckles and he looks down to watch how gently Dan looks after Phil’s hands. “But I don’t think you want to.”

“I don’t… know. That I don’t want to.”

“But you don’t know that you do want to,” Dan says.

“Yeah.”

“I want you to be one hundred percent sure that it’s what you want,” Dan says, his voice gentle but firm. “We can wait, yeah? We have time.”

Phil nods.

“Yeah,” he whispers. “That’s what I’ve been telling myself.”

“And you’re right,” Dan says. “It’s more important to me that you’re ready for what we do than that we do it, yeah?” he smiles across at Phil, and he knows that he’s in safe hands. He untangles their hands and reaches forward, winding his arms round Dan’s waist and tugging him until he’s shuffling up. They lie tangled together for what feels like an eternity and Phil lets himself close his eyes and slowly drift into a doze.

When he wakes up Dan is gone from his side of the bed, but he can hear a door opening somewhere in the flat. He lies still for a few minutes longer before he hears his own door opening and looks up to see Dan walk in with two steaming mugs, hair curly and dripping.

“Sorry I left,” he says quietly. “You just looked so cute and I didn’t wanna wake you up, but I felt so gross and I had to shower.” Phil smiles softly and groggily and reaches his hands out. “I made us some hot chocolate to make up for it.”

“Dream man,” Phil rumbles, skootching up the bed so that Dan can fit in beside him once the mugs are on the bedside table. He feels more needy than he had before he fell asleep, and the second Dan is on the bed he’s curling into his side. Dan huffs a laugh and tries to settle in around him.

“You’re like a cat,” he says fondly, ruffling Phil’s hair and laughing again when Phil follows the touch with his head. In the end, Dan ends up standing and clambering over Phil, slotting in behind him and taking responsibility of being the big spoon. Normally it’s the other way around, and Phil finds that he likes this different arrangement a lot. There’s an arm around his waist that’s squeezing tight enough for Phil to really feel Dan’s presence, and he lifts his own arm so that he can draw lines into Dan’s with his fingers.

“Are we allowed to stay here all day?” he murmurs, after a few minutes of quiet. Dan smiles and presses a kiss to the back of Phil’s neck.

“I know I don’t have anywhere else to be,” he whispers, his breath tickling Phil’s ear.

They do end up staying in bed most of the day, just basking in each other’s presence, talking and laughing and making out more than they would probably want to admit. It’s only when Phil’s stomach starts to rumble that they remember the Chinese in the fridge and venture out of Phil’s room in search of food.

They bring it back to Phil’s room and eat it in his bed, hunched over plastic Tupperware tubs of reheated noodles and sweet and sour chicken. It feels a little ridiculous, Phil thinks, as he drops his head forward to catch the noodle falling from his mouth before it drips sauce on to his bedsheets. But it feels like normality, and it feels like something he could get used to. He looks over at Dan, devouring his food, sauce in the corners of his mouth, and he feels himself falling. Falling like he has been since the day they met, only now he has the knowledge that there’s a safety net at the bottom, that they’re in this together, they have each other. Falling is so much more fun when there’s someone there with you in mid-air, holding your hand. He feels safe in a way he hasn’t before, and he can feel the words forming behind his lips before he even says them.

“I love you.”

Fuck. It’s too soon. It’s _way_ too soon, and the second he’s said it, he’s panicking, ready to backtrack and climb his way out of the hole he just threw himself in. He opens his mouth but Dan is already looking up at him, an adoring expression on his face. He just sits and watches Phil for a second, and every excuse Phil could have had ready to go disappears from his mind. The smile that has overtaken Dan’s face makes Phil want to melt, and he immediately forgives himself for blurting out those words.

“I love you too,” Dan whispers. They watch each other for a second before their Chinese is forgotten, and Phil leans forward to press his lips to Dan’s. It’s gentle and slow, and reflects the simple, loaded words that have just been said. They’re both smiling, and soon it’s too difficult to carry on kissing with their wide grins in the way. They let themselves get back to finishing their Chinese, but their fingers remained intertwined, the smiles remain on their faces, and every now and then they share a look that says everything they don’t need to put into words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuse for uploading this chapter early. im just tired as fuck n u know what? it's nice to post a chapter before i go to sleep and then wake up to comments, sue me  
> anyways enjoy!

Dan loves evenings like this, where they’re both sat in the comfort of each other’s presence, no conversation needed between them. He’s sat at his piano, practising the Final Fantasy song he’s been learning, and Phil is starfished out on his bed, eyes closed.

“So,” Phil says out of nowhere. Dan stops playing and spins around in his chair.

“So?”

“My mum and dad are coming down next weekend.”

“Oh,” Dan says. “What for?”

“Uh.” Phil smiles sheepishly, and Dan leans forward, frowning. “My birthday.”

“Your birthday?” Dan’s eyebrows shoot up. “When the fuck is your birthday?”

“Saturday,” Phil says quietly.

“What the fuck, Phil?” Dan says, a laugh in his voice out of sheer surprise. “Why did you not tell me?”

“I don’t know,” Phil says with a shrug, “Just didn’t come up, I guess.”

Dan gets up and walks over to the bed, unceremoniously shoving Phil to the side so he can settle in next to him.

“You’re an idiot,” he says. “What do you want?”

“What do you mean?”

Dan rolls his eyes and jabs Phil in the ribs.

“For your _birthday_.”

“Oh,” Phil says with a little laugh, his tongue poking out from between his teeth for a second. Dan’s not sure how he’s meant to stay even a bit mad at Phil when he’s this fucking cute. “You don’t have to get me anything.”

Dan shoots him a look that he hopes conveys the _shut the fuck up_ he isn’t saying out loud.

“Really,” Phil says, “I don’t need anything.”

“I didn’t ask what you _need_ , Phil, I asked what you want.”

“Well I don’t want anything either.”

“That’s bullshit,” Dan says. He stops holding back his grin and shakes his head fondly. “You're lucky I love you, Lester. I guess I’ll get creative.”

Getting creative apparently involves ambushing his boyfriend’s best friend in the kitchen the next morning, when Phil has gone for a 9am lecture.

“PJ!” Dan says, walking into the kitchen and making him jump out of his skin.

“Jesus, Dan!” there’s a hand on his chest and he looks like he nearly threw his coffee on the floor.

“Sorry,” Dan says with a little laugh. “I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

“What do I get Phil for his birthday?” they make their way over to the breakfast bar and settle down opposite each other. “He only just told me it’s coming up and I can’t just not get him anything.”

“That fucker,” PJ says with a laugh, shaking his head. “I already have his thing sorted, but I saw a comic store in town recently doing signed photos of the Buffy cast.” Dan raises his eyebrows. “Buffy is kind of your thing, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Dan says with a smile. “He does have a weird Sarah Michelle Gellar thing going on.”

PJ laughs.

“He’s such a weirdo,” he says fondly.

They’re still sat talking when Phil gets back from his lecture, and his face lights up immediately when he looks in the kitchen and sees them sat laughing together.

“Aw, look at you two,” he gushes as he walks into the kitchen. He gives PJ a gentle knock with his fist and presses a kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Anything interesting happening?”

“Just talking about you,” PJ says with a grin.

“All good things I hope,” Phil says as he heads to the kettle.

“What makes you think we have anything good to say about you?” PJ quips. Dan snorts, and Phil turns around with his arms crossed.

“Well I _was_ going to ask if either of you wanted a drink, but you’ve both lost your coffee privileges.”

Dan reaches out his arms and makes grabby hands.

“No, Phil, only nice things of course, please make me a coffee.” Phil rolls his eyes and takes out a mug from Dan’s cupboard.

“I’m not stooping to that,” PJ grins, getting up to give Phil his mug. “But I’ll still take the coffee.”

Phil sighs dramatically.

“I should never have encouraged your friendship,” he says, shaking his head. Dan doesn’t think he’s even trying to hide the fond grin on his face, and it gives him butterflies. He loves seeing Phil so happy, and he’s starting to really like PJ. Once he finally pushed aside the anxiety of having to live with his boyfriend’s best friend and began to relax, he realised that he’s found a good friend in PJ.

Dan’s not sure why he’s still so anxious about meeting Kath and Nigel. The last time he saw Kath she made it clear that she was nothing but supportive of their relationship. But he’s still very antsy about seeing them again. He can only hope that this feeling goes away, since he’ll probably be seeing a lot more of them.

On Saturday morning he gets up early, before Phil is awake, and makes pancakes again. He takes extra care to make them as pretty as he can, and douses them in an unhealthy amount of syrup. When PJ emerges for his morning coffee he gives Dan a big grin and helps him carry the plates and mugs of coffee back to Phil’s room. Phil, who is still asleep, now curled around a pillow in substitute of Dan’s body, facing the wall. PJ gives Phil a fond smile, and offers a little mock salute to Dan before he leaves again.

Dan gently slips back under the covers behind Phil and curls his hands around his belly. Gently but insistently, he begins to press kisses to Phil’s neck and across the top of his bare shoulders. He peppers them on every piece of skin he can reach until Phil begins to stir, and then he kisses his way back up to Phil’s neck, letting his mouth open, sucking on little patches of skin here and there.

Eventually, Phil lets out a groan, abandoning his pillow in favour of the real thing, rolling over in Dan’s arms to face him.

“Morning, you,” Dan rumbles, pressing an extra kiss to Phil’s cheek for good measure.

“Mm,” Phil mumbles. “F’you get hickeys on my neck the one day my parents come down…”

Dan laughs and leans down to find Phil’s lips, which pucker to his enthusiastically.

“C’mon, wake up properly,” Dan says eventually, pushing Phil away, “I made you breakfast, it’s not allowed to go cold.”

Dan gives Phil his present before they meet Kath and Nigel.

“It’s a bit shit,” Dan admits, “But if _someone_ had given me more notice then it might’ve been better. Also… it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, but hopefully it’ll at least make you laugh.”

“Okay, enough,” Phil says, giggling. “I’m gonna love whatever you got me, Dan, just let me open it.”

“God, demanding,” Dan laughs, handing him over the present. It’s very thin, and it really does look a bit shit, but he thinks Phil will still appreciate it.

Phil’s not very gentle with the wrapping paper, but once he gets into it he nearly shrieks with laughter. Dan grins up at him, a little sheepishly, as he pulls out the gift.

“It… it was meant to be Sarah Michelle Gellar,” he begins.

It’s a signed photo of David Boreanaz in a bathtub, and the more Phil looks at it, the more he laughs.

“I’m not sure Sarah Michelle Gellar naked in a bathtub would’ve had the same effect,” he giggles, and Dan swats at him. Phil looks up fondly and cups Dan’s jaw with his hand, gently pulling him forward and pressing a kiss to his lips. “I love it, thank you.”

“Good,” Dan whispers, pressing his lips back to Phil’s for a second.

They laze around a little longer and Phil pins the photo to the pin board on his wall.

“Beautiful,” he says, “The room was incomplete without it.”

When they get into the kitchen Jimmy and PJ are there, ready to wish him a happy birthday. PJ has a little balloon and a present, and Jimmy has a cake ready with candles. They sing to him and cut the cake into four massive pieces. They’re all sat on the floor in a circle finishing the cake when Kath and Nigel text Phil asking to be let up. They all hang around in the flat for a little while, sitting and chatting with everyone, but it becomes evident very quickly that a kitchen this size was not made for so many people. They say their goodbyes and take Phil out. They’ve booked a table in a somewhat fancy restaurant to take him out for dinner. Phil had offered for Dan to come too, but he’d declined; he thinks it might be nice for Phil to just spend some time with his parents on his birthday.

“What are you doing tonight?” PJ asks once they’re gone.

“I was thinking I might just practice some piano,” Dan shrugs. PJ’s face lights up.

“You play?”

“Badly,” Dan says with a laugh. “Do you?”

“I always wanted to,” PJ says. “Just never really got around to learning. Maybe I could… have a go on yours?”

Dan smiles, and soon enough he, PJ, and Jimmy are heading back to his room.

-

When Phil gets back, it’s getting late. He says goodbye to his parents and heads back into his flat, which is surprisingly quiet. As he pushes open the door to the corridor, though, he hears the faint sound of Dan’s keyboard and smiles. He loves the sound of Dan playing, although tonight it sounds different. Slower, less fluent than Dan normally plays. He gently pushes Dan’s door open to see the room in Cool Mode, PJ sat at the keyboard. He’s taken aback by the scene before him, and the way it quickly floods his chest with fondness: PJ slowly playing with concentration written all over his face, Dan and Jimmy curled into each other on the bed. He thinks he should feel a little jealous about seeing them in that position, but he can’t find it within himself.

Since Christmas, Dan has blue-tacked the pride flag to hang above the head of his bed, and bought some fairy lights to hang haphazardly around it. It looks perfect, and when Dan looks up, he grins at Phil and stretches out a hand to him.

Phil walks in, a little overwhelmed but mostly feeling incredibly affectionate towards this group of people he never really thought he’d see hanging out altogether without him. He cuddles into Dan on the other side to Jimmy, and smiles when a kiss gets pressed to his hair.

When PJ’s finished his piece, he turns around in his chair to grin widely at the three behind him.

“What do you think?” he asks Phil.

“It was beautiful,” Phil says. “I didn’t know you could actually play.”

“Dan’s been teaching me some Seven,” he says, giving Dan a quick wink. Phil looks up at his boyfriend and presses a kiss to his jaw.

“Really?” he whispers. Dan nods, tightening the arm that’s wound itself round Phil’s shoulder. “You big softie.”

Dan rolls his eyes but Phil doesn’t miss the way his cheeks darken. He looks across at Jimmy, who gives him a wink and a grin, and he feels himself blush a little too. He’s really not sure when he got as lucky as this.

It’s not long before Jimmy is yawning and saying his good nights, and PJ is quick to follow after that. Dan and Phil are left curled up together on their bed, and they sit there comfortably for a few minutes before finally emerging to brush their teeth.

Once back in Dan’s room, they flop down on their bed. Dan strips himself of his shirt and Phil follows, albeit nervously. There’s something else he wants tonight. He’s not sure how to ask for it, and he’s still a bit scared, even though he knows he’s ready. He’s not really surprised that Dan picks up on his hesitation, frowning.

“You okay, Phil?”

Phil looks up and gives the most genuine smile he can.

“Yeah.”

Dan narrows his eyes but doesn’t say anything more.

“I was thinking, actually.” He takes a deep breath. He knows this is what he wants. He’s been thinking about it a lot and he knows that now is the right time. 

“Not again,” Dan says with a quiet laugh. Phil finds it in him to laugh along with him for a second.

“I was thinking that… maybe we could do something tonight.”

“Like what?”

“Like, uh.” Phil was really hoping he could convey everything in that one sentence. But, he supposes, maybe real communication is the best way to go. “Like… if you wanted to, obviously. We could. You know. Mess around or something.”

He says the last bit very quickly and quietly, and it takes Dan a second to catch on to what he’s said. When it registers, he raises his eyebrows and sits up, moving to sit opposite Phil and take his hands.

“Are you sure?” Dan asks softly. “Because we don’t have to. If you’re not ready.”

“I am,” Phil says, with a firm nod. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and… if you want to, then I want to.”

Dan grins.

“I want to,” he whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok im just keeping the slightly skewed upload schedule now it's just gonna be like this i guess,,  
> you may notice the cheeky rating change! this chapter isn't really nsfw but there is some very light smut in this and the next chapter so i thought i'd better be on the safe side  
> anyways enjoy!

Phil’s lips are on his before he’s even really finished his sentence, and the squeak of surprise Dan lets out makes Phil laugh into his mouth. There are hands coming up to cup his face, which slide round the back of his neck and pull him closer. When he feels them begin to fall back on to the bed, his hands come out to catch himself before he drops his entire weight on to Dan. They break apart, still laughing, and Phil flops on to his side next to Dan. A hand comes forward to fit into the curve of Dan’s neck and they just grin at each other for a second. And Phil feels dizzy with how right this feels, how glad he is that they waited until now, when they’re both finally ready.

Dan ducks back in to catch Phil’s lips once more, but he’s gone before they really have a chance to get back into a rhythm. Phil tries to chase Dan’s mouth but before he can, that mouth is on his neck, pressing open mouthed kisses wherever it can reach. Dan pulls his mouth away for a second so he can breathe into Phil’s ear.

“Any problems with me leaving hickeys now your parents aren’t around to see them?” his voice is rough, gravelly and breathless, and it sends heat pooling in the bottom of Phil’s stomach. He huffs a laugh, and thinks for a second about the morning, about what Jimmy and PJ might think when they emerge, marks littered across each of their necks. He shoves the thought aside as quickly as it came; tomorrow is not what matters right now.

“Do it,” he whispers back. He tries to match the low tone of voice that Dan had, and he thinks he’s done a pretty shit job until he hears the shaky breath in his ear.

Before Phil can really react, there’s a mouth on his neck. He’s not really sure what to do with his hands while Dan’s working over his neck, and in the end he lets them run up Dan’s bare chest, exploring every little part of his skin. Not that he can really focus on them when Dan is sucking on his skin like this.

Dan’s teeth join his lips after a couple of seconds of sucking and Phil lets out a low whine. Dan huffs a laugh and pulls away.

“Shush,” he giggles, “The whole flat’s gonna hear us.” He goes right back to it, as if he was just stating facts rather than actually warning for Phil to be quiet. He’s sucking and nipping in one spot for a few seconds before he leans back and moves to a different place on Phil’s neck.

There’s only so much of this Phil can take before he starts to get overwhelmed and feels the need to return the favour, pushing Dan back gently. He doesn’t give him a chance to be confused before he’s nuzzling in under Dan’s chin to get his own lips at that neck.

The second he finds a spot and starts sucking, Dan lets out an embarrassingly loud moan, and Phil laughs against his skin.

“God Dan, the whole flat’s gonna hear us,” he mocks, receiving a jab in the ribs and squeaking. Sure enough, they hear a phone ping with a notification, and Phil huffs a laugh. Dan picks up his phone to look and immediately throws a hand over his eyes, passing it to Phil.

**Jimmy: i hope you use the lube i got you**

Phil snorts, typing out a reply before the rush of confidence is gone and his head clears again.

**Dan: We will – Phil x**

“Phil!” Dan laughs, giving Phil a little thump in the arm. They’re both giggling, and Phil struggles to fit his mouth back into the spot where it was on Dan’s neck with the grin overtaking his face. 

Dan is very vocal, Phil finds out, as he sucks more hickeys into his neck. As quiet as Dan attempts to be, there are still a lot of whines coming from his mouth, and Phil’s surprised that he is only just learning about this. He would've taken advantage of it much sooner if he'd known he could pull these noises out of Dan. He wants to keep doing this forever just to keep hearing the whines and stifled moans, but he knows that he wants to go further. In the end, he opts for moving his face up to catch Dan’s lips again. Phil’s not sure they’ve ever made out so heatedly before, and he’s addicted to the way Dan’s mouth feels against his, the way Dan’s hands run across his body, the way heat keeps stirring in his body in ways it never has before.

When they break away, their foreheads are pressed together and they’re looking into each other’s eyes, just for a second. It’s Dan who’s first to break away, looking down at his hands as they cover Phil’s chest. His fingers curl to run through Phil’s chest hair and Phil feels himself begin to squirm involuntarily at the feeling. Dan relents from his movements, but his hands stay resting where they are.

“I love this,” Dan whispers.

“What?” Phil asks.

“This,” Dan says, taking a single hair and pulling it.

“My chest hair?” Phil says, raising an eyebrow. Dan nods. “I kinda hate it,” he confesses.

“Why?”

Phil shrugs.

“Just makes me feel old or ugly or something,” he says quietly. He averts his eyes, blushing hard. He didn't expect to be opening up about his weird insecurities tonight. A hand comes up from Phil’s chest to fit around his jaw until he looks back up into Dan’s eyes. Dan’s eyes, full of fire and something else Phil’s never seen before. Here they are again, discovering these new parts of each other. Phil is still amazed every time he learns something new about Dan, and he hopes it’s never done.

“Phil,” Dan says gently. “You’re beautiful.” Phil looks down again, unable to really cope with this kind of affection. Dan leans forward, pressing kisses along the line that starts at the corner of Phil’s mouth and ends at his ear. “You know what I think?” he murmurs into Phil’s ear. He’s got that rough voice again, the one Phil is quickly coming to love.

“What?” Phil asks, his voice catching a little in his throat. The hand on Phil’s chest flattens as fingers run through the hair there.

“I think it’s fucking hot, Phil,” Dan says. Phil’s breath hitches; he’s never been called that before.

“Really?” it’s a lot smaller and shier than he was going for, but the look that Dan gives him makes the little bout of vulnerability worth it.

“Yeah,” Dan says, gently. He rakes his fingers through it again, and presses his lips to Phil’s. It’s slower than the last kiss was, and it makes Phil feel overwhelmingly loved. He relaxes into it and then they’re making out again. Phil didn’t expect it to be as gentle as this, but he’s definitely not complaining. It’s another reminder that he really wouldn’t ever want to do this with anyone else.

Before long, Dan’s mouth is travelling away from Phil’s again and making its way downwards. Phil feels his breath become heavier as Dan’s lips find his jaw, then his neck, then his collarbone. There are gentle nips at the skin in amongst the kisses, and then Dan’s moving on again. Phil is left again wondering what to do with his hands, and one quickly winds its way into his hair. He rakes his fingers through it, trying his best to keep his hand relaxed and not pull at it, determined not to distract Dan from whatever he’s doing with his mouth.

He’s doing a good job of keeping his hands under his control until Dan licks over his nipple and he moans, his hand tightening into a fist. Dan laughs over his skin and presses a kiss just above it, before lifting his head to grin cheekily at Phil.

“You liked that a bit, I guess?” he asks. Phil tugs his hair again and pulls him back up to meet his mouth once more. He’s not really sure how he thought this would go, but he wasn’t expecting this much laughter, and he wasn’t expecting it to feel so much like _them_.

Phil’s not completely sure when their boxers come off and they’re left completely open to each other, but he’s too elated to be embarrassed about what he looks like. Neither of them have ever done this before, and he’s not sure if it shows, but he doesn’t care. It’s clumsy and messy but he wouldn’t have it any other way. They take each other apart with shaking hands and sloppy kisses, moaning into each other’s mouths. Phil knows that Jimmy is all too aware of what’s happening, and he’ll be mortified in the morning if he finds out PJ could hear them as well. But that’s a problem for future Dan and Phil. 

Phil finds himself feeling incredibly needy once they’re finished and cleaned up. As soon as Dan settles back down on the bed next to him, he’s curling into his side and nuzzling his face into his neck. He can feel the rumble of laughter in Dan’s throat more than he can hear it.

“Hey,” Dan murmurs, shuffling himself down so that they can lie face to face. He seems to understand Phil’s need for physical touch because he stretches a hand out to wind their fingers together.

“Hey,” Phil whispers.

“How are you feeling?” Dan asks. Phil shuffles forward in an attempt to get closer and winds a hand round Dan’s waist.

“So good,” Phil says.

“Yeah?” he seems to have lost a little of the confidence he had, and looks up at Phil with a little shyness. 

“Yeah," he says, pressing a kiss to Dan’s lips to emphasise it. “What about you?”

“Fucking amazing,” Dan murmurs. “Tired, though.”

“Mm, me too,” Phil says. He closes the gap between them and curls up against Dan’s chest. It feels a lot more different than he expected, to lie down together with nothing between them, but right now he just feels comforted by the skin-to-skin contact. “Sleep time,” he murmurs.

“Okay,” Dan says with a quiet laugh. “Night, bub. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Phil whispers. “G’night, baby.” Phil’s too tired to really register what he’s said. His eyes fall closed too quickly to see the way Dan turns red at the pet name, but that’s okay. There’s plenty more time for pet names to be whispered to each other, blushed at and chased with kisses. 

In the morning when Phil wakes up, it takes him a moment to remember what happened the night before. He’s still curled up against Dan’s chest like normal, but it doesn’t take long for him to realise he’s naked. And against a naked Dan at that. He nuzzles his face into the crook of Dan’s shoulder and presses a light kiss to the skin he can reach. He’s almost feeling more needy now than when they went to bed last night, and thankfully it doesn’t take long for Dan to stir, wrapping his arms around Phil’s body and squeezing as tight as he can in his thick, sleepy haze.

Phil doesn’t think he has the brain power to say anything just yet, so he winds his own arms round Dan’s torso and they lie there holding each other for what feels like an age.

“Morning,” Dan croaks eventually. Phil extracts his face from Dan’s shoulder to reply.

“Morning,” he echoes, pressing a kiss to Dan’s neck. It really is covered in hickeys, and Phil knows that, whether or not Jimmy and PJ heard them last night, there’s not going to be much question as to what happened. But he can’t find it in himself to be embarrassed right now. He still feels so good, and he wants to let that feeling last as long as possible.

They spend a while lying together, whispering sweet nothings to each other in between making out, until they decide they’re both desperately in need of coffee. Phil feels a bit exposed, standing up naked next to Dan to find the clothes they stripped themselves of last night. But once they’re dressed again, they venture out, neither of them at all ready for the people they might see in the kitchen.

Of course, Jimmy and PJ are in the kitchen when they make it out. The door opens and Dan and Phil walk in sheepishly, to quiet cheers and wolf whistles from their flatmates. Phil has turned bright red, while Dan just puts on his best grin and wraps his arm around Phil’s waist for good measure. Nothing is said other than the odd jab here and there, and Phil is grateful for it. He might’ve been confident last night, when he was running on excitement and some other things, but now he’s acutely aware of what the others might’ve thought. He's more than grateful to them for keeping the embarrassment to a minimum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i can't believe we're nearly at the end :'( comments are appreciated as always, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's the final chapter *the final countdown kazoo solo* im not crying what   
> pls enjoy <3

A week later, Dan and Phil are on the train to Reading, back to Dan’s home town. Phil fidgets the entire time, and every time Dan looks over at him, he asks if it’s really okay that Dan’s mum paid for his train ticket. He’s surprised that Dan doesn’t lose patience with him, that he just smiles, rolls his eyes, and fondly tells Phil every time that _yes_ , it’s fine.

“I just want to make a good impression,” Phil tells him as they sit next to each other, watching the world go by. There’s only so much of it that Phil can take before he has to close his eyes and rest his head back against the chair. He wants so badly to rest his head on Dan’s shoulder or hold his hand, just to find a way to reach out and find comfort in the physical touch of Dan next to him, but instead he settles for bumping his knee against Dan’s every so often.

“Phil,” Dan says gently. “You already _have_ made a good impression. I don’t invite people over, ever. They already know you’re special.”

It doesn’t settle Phil’s stomach much, but when they get back to Dan’s house his mum is there to welcome them in and get him settled. He calls her “Mrs Howell” until she laughs and tells him her name is Karen, and he makes a point to correct himself. It reminds him of his own mum, and he feels waves of comfort ease over him, little by little.

They meet Dan’s grandma the next day, when she comes over for a big lunch in the garden, and Phil knows this is the person he really has to impress. Dan is at his best when she’s around, coming alive in a way Phil hasn’t seen since they got here. He and Dan spend the day at each other’s sides, cracking jokes and laughing about nothing in particular, and even when his nana isn’t around, her presence is still felt. Before she leaves in the evening, she calls Phil over alone and settles down on a chair next to him in the garden.

“You seem to be making my grandson very happy,” she tells him. He feels himself going a little red, but he doesn’t say anything, and he hopes she doesn’t notice. “I want you to know that as far as I’m concerned, you’re welcome here any time.” She looks like she’s going to start tearing up, and Phil fights the urge to lean forward and take her hand. “I’ve not seen him laugh so much since… oh, God,” she shakes her head, and he can hear the thickness rising in her voice, “I can’t even remember the last time I saw him laugh so much.” She purses her lips as she holds back her tears, and Phil swallows hard, trying not to think about why that might be. He doesn’t need to look out for the hints anymore; they’ve had enough deep, late night conversations for him to know that Dan has been through some shit. She looks over his shoulder to where he’s waiting a little way off. “You’re a special one, Phil,” she tells him, as her eyes meet his again, “And Dan seems very fond of you.” She stands up and opens her arms. He accepts the hug gratefully, holding on to her tight. “Thank you,” she whispers. True to his nature, Phil doesn’t let go until he feels her begin to back off. He feels a little misty-eyed but he does his best not to let it show.

He stands with Dan to wave her off from the front drive, a big smile on his face. They go back inside once her car is out of view and as they walk in he takes the time to dwell on Dan’s grandma’s words. They set up camp in Dan’s room, a movie neither of them really care about playing on the TV screen in front of them. Every now and then, Phil makes a comment and Dan giggles. And Phil pays extra attention to that laugh, the way it catches in his throat before it really develops into a giggle, the way his face scrunches and he leans in on himself. He understands its true worth now, how lucky he is to hear it, how rare and beautiful it is. And when Dan makes a move to press a kiss to Phil’s cheek, Phil makes his own to jab Dan in the side of his ribs, tackling him down on to his bed and tickling him until they’re both too out of breath to carry on.

“What was that about?” Dan breathes as they lie next to each other, catching their breath. He flinches as Phil moves a hand up to brush his hair out of his face and Phil huffs a laugh, swiping a finger across his neck for good measure.

“Just wanna hear you laugh,” Phil says, grinning. Dan giggles again and Phil presses a kiss to his cheek, because it really is a privilege to hear that sound.

It’s only a few weeks later that Dan and Phil start looking for places for their second year. Phil was worried that finding somewhere for two people would mean paying through the nose, but they find a couple of reasonably priced apartments. When they decide on their favourite, Dan meticulously reads through the contract to find anything he can understand from his few months of studying law, and then they send it to the student union for one final check.

The night they send in their deposit, they decide to celebrate. They head out to Tesco with Jimmy and PJ and buy a horrific amount of wine, and break out the deck of cards again. Drunk cheat goes about as well as it did the first time, and at the end of the night the four of them pile into Phil’s room, somehow all squeezing on to the tiny bed there and spending the night asleep in a massive pile.

When Phil wakes up, he can feel an arm round his waist. It’s too big to be Dan’s, and when he finally opens his eyes and turns his head, he finds Jimmy curled in behind him. He stretches out his body and when his foot hits another person, he cranes his head up to see Dan and PJ curled up together. He feels a surge of emotion at the sight, and he has to close his eyes before he gets overwhelmed from seeing his best friend and boyfriend cuddled up together asleep. It feels like a lifetime since he was so worried that they would never have a proper friendship. His head is pounding but it takes a while for him to really realise that, overcome with so many other feelings. He curls his arm round Jimmy’s, closes his eyes, and falls back asleep.

“We still haven’t had that date,” Phil muses one night. Dan looks up from where he’s reading through a case.

“Huh,” he says, frowning down at the page in front of him.

“Hey Dan,” Phil smiles.

“Yeah?”

“Will you go on a date with me?”

Phil books a table in a restaurant that might be a little out of their price range, but he tells Dan that for their first real date it’s worth it. Dan agrees on the condition that they split the bill, and Phil mutters something under his breath like “we’ll see about that”. They buy meals that sound a bit pretentious and spend the night chatting about little things, they buy cocktails that sound ridiculously sugary and live up to their names. At the end of the night when the bill comes, Dan pulls out his wallet, but Phil has grabbed the receipt and is making his way to the counter before Dan can get any further. He doesn’t attempt to argue as it happens, but once they’re out he’s on to Phil.

“I said we’d split it,” he grumbles. “It was fucking expensive in there.”

“S’fine,” Phil says with a shrug. “I had enough. I’ve been saving up for it.”

“Phil, you asked me three days ago,” Dan says, rolling his eyes. Phil can already hear the fondness seeping back into his voice. He’d really be done for if Dan wasn’t so smitten, and he knows it.

“I know,” Phil says, bumping his shoulder into Dan’s as they walk. “You think I’ve only been planning this three days?”

Dan looks at him a little different then. It changes things, knowing that it wasn’t just a throwaway comment, that Phil hadn’t just happened to be thinking about it. That it was planned and prepared for. If they weren’t in public, Phil thinks Dan might’ve jumped him.

He does, when they get home. As soon as they’re in their flat, his mouth is on Phil’s, and they stumble their way back to Dan’s room. Phil hopes against hope that Jimmy and PJ don’t leave their rooms as he and Dan haphazardly make it to the door without breaking their kiss, and they’re in luck. Once they’re in the room, it’s a fumbling of fingers and mouths as clothes are removed and thrown aside to be found tomorrow. They’ve done this a few times now, and they’re starting to understand each other’s bodies a bit better. They’re both still new to this and it shows, but Phil wouldn’t want to learn with anyone else, and he knows that Dan feels the same.

Tonight, Dan whispers in Phil’s ear that he’d like to try something different, and when Phil gives him the all clear, Dan kisses down his body, taking extra care to show some love to his chest. He brings a hand up to rake through the hair there and pinches lightly at Phil’s nipples. They know each other’s bodies so much better now, and when Phil groans, Dan just huffs a laugh on to his wet skin. He moves further and further downwards, nipping at the pudge on Phil’s stomach and dipping his tongue into Phil’s navel in a way that shouldn’t be as hot as it is. He knows what’s going to happen and he feels nervous, even though he knows it’s going to be good, because it’s Dan and he wants to make Phil feel good, even if he doesn’t really know much of what he’s doing.

Dan’s mouth works over Phil in a way nothing ever has before, and it’s a mess, but it feels so good. He pulls off a couple of times to apologise and Phil just shakes his head, tells him more through strained noises than words he’s never felt anything so good in all his life, runs a hand through Dan’s hair, and lets him get back to it. At the end, Dan pulls off to let Phil finish, and Phil doesn’t blame him, but once he’s caught up with himself he’s desperate to return the favour. He thinks he’s a lot sloppier and messier than Dan was, but he pays attention to the noises Dan makes as he kisses down his body just like Dan had for him, before his mouth reaches its destination. It’s a strange experience but the noises that come from Dan’s mouth make it all worth it, and soon they’re both lying face to face, spent and panting, grinning at each other.

It’s mortifying to leave their room to brush their teeth, when he’s sure PJ and Jimmy know what went down in their room, but Phil hates to think how his breath must smell from what’s been in his mouth. But mostly he just feels elated; he’s found another way to express his love for Dan, and he feels nothing but good right now.

The next time Tom comes to stay, the four of them go on a double date. They manage to plan it for when the fair is in town and head down to go round the small rides and play at some of the stalls. Dan insists on paying for this one after Phil splashed out at the restaurant, and Phil lets him. He does try his heart out at the coconut shy though, and wins Dan a massive teddy bear.

“Aw, a bear like me!” Dan laughs. When Phil questions him on it he mentions the old family nickname, and Phil makes a mental note of it. It’s cute, and it suits him, so he stashes it away for later use.

Jimmy and Tom want to go on every ride and so Dan and Phil join them, even though Phil starts to feel a bit sick after a few of the rides. They stay out till late into the night and when they get back they give each other big hugs and go their separate ways.

The next night, Phil leaves Jimmy and Dan to have some time to themselves and treats PJ to a night out of his own. They ride all the rides and play at more stalls, and share between them a massive bag of candy floss. Phil feels like it’s been forever since they did something as just the two of them, and his heart feels so full to watch PJ’s face light up as they make their way round. They even go into the hall of mirrors, which is one of PJ’s favourites and Phil’s least favourite. It’s another late night but it’s completely worth it to see PJ smile so big.

The second semester goes by in a blur after that. It’s not long before exams are taking place and boxes are being packed up. Phil didn’t expect to feel so emotional over their tiny flat, but as the last boxes get carried down to the car by Nigel, he really has to stand and look at the room around him. It looks just how it did when he first moved in, but he can feel the change that took place here. So much happened in the four walls of his room, and his chest aches to think about leaving. It’s like leaving an old friend. This is the place where he and Dan shared all of their firsts, the place where he came out to Jimmy. The place where Phil told PJ he might actually like Dan after all. He stands in the hallway, where so many hesitant and lingering glances happened, where good nights were whispered, where they’ve sat as a flat and studied in silence from their respective doorways. He walks into the kitchen, where so many shared meals and drunken nights have taken place. There are so many memories here, and leaving it behind hurts more than he expected it to. The blow is only softened as Phil thinks of the new house next year, of the memories to come, and of the new memories that will grace these walls as four new people move in next year.

They all leave on the same day. No one wanted to be left in a completely empty flat, so they all box up together. There are teary hugs and promises of meeting up over the summer. Dan tells Phil that he’ll be travelling back up to Manchester as soon as he possibly can, and they already have so many plans for the summer that they know they will spend more of together than apart. Phil watches PJ get in his car and head back down towards Rawtenstall, and feels comforted by the knowledge that his best friend will be there when he gets back. He presses one final kiss to his boyfriend’s lips, strategically when his parents aren’t looking, and wraps his arms around Dan in a tight hug. They both know it’s a dangerous game, that Phil won’t pull away until Dan does, and he knows that Dan is thinking what he’s thinking. That he could just not move away, that they could stand here for hours. But Dan’s mum calls, and he pulls away. Phil gives his hand one last squeeze and gets in his own car.

He blows one final kiss to Dan as the car starts up. From where he’s sat, Phil can see the way his cheeks flush a little as he raises a hand to wave goodbye. And there’s really no denying it any more. He’s found he likes Dan quite a bit, actually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we really made it i guess   
> before i get too emotional i just wanna say a massive massive thank you to everyone who read this fic and came on this journey with me, all the support and love this fic got made me so so happy and without it i wouldn't have finished the fic so thank you so much!!   
> as always comments are appreciated, please let me know what you thought!! come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters, and keep an eye out for the post-idk why fic that'll prob be out in the next few days because i have no patience


End file.
